Hope is gone as quick as it came

today is a really bad day for me. I slept like crap last night so i think that why my whole days been about giving into my ed i feel really mad at myself because i restricted and purged all day i feel like what the point i have been fighting so hard not to purge and to increase my calories as recommended by the doctor i did so well yesterday i ate without out purging then boom today i eat half a veggie dog and get the erge to purge i manged not to for about 30 mins then i gave in then later i ate again and figured i already purged once so why not. so all in all today was a bad day I ate under the amount of cal recommended by my doctor and purged 4 times plus ran for 30 mins which im not supposed to do until i see a cardiologist i now it was dumb and realize i could be killing myself and i dont want to die it just so hard i swear i m seeing fat increasing on me even thought the scale says otherwise i m already dreding waking up and fighting all the complasive thoghts and behavour but i know i have to i trying to belive there will be brighter days hope everyone is doing well

love leah

hey leah - i'm here for you, and sorry yesterday was super crap for you :(

i know that feeling of not wanting to wake up because you fear failure... but you're not failing leah! it may feel like it, but you know there are ups and downs and two steps forwards with three steps back... don't beat yourself up for slipping - you realize it wasn't healthy, and at this point that may be the only thing you can do.

how about today, did you have a nutritious breakfast and were able to keep it in? i'm sure your body needs some energy!

I ate a yogurt and kept it down a have eaten a few gabby carots and chewed lots of gum I have been baking and cooking all day my roomates having a family get togethere and since she can't cook I'm doing it all I have a new fixation with cooking and baking for other and then I watch them eat it and ask if itgood my best friend says I m making her fat I m feeling very emotionally overwhellmed today tomorrow I have a counselling apiontment so I hope it helps but companies here so I should go join Inthough iwould rather icesolate I m gona go try thanks for ur suport love leah