How am I going to

Ever since I was young I didn't feel like my dad loved me. When my parents divorced I didnt care much. But now that I'm growing and learning I realize my dad's absence has affected me.

I am a pretty girl. I made a promise to myself I would stay single for a year. It's been 10 months now and I'm wondering why is it that it's so difficult for me to be happy alone.
My life is great I have everything going for me but not having a boyfriend is making me feel and act very bitter.

I want to tell my dad that his absence in my childhood has made me boy crazy but I don't know how to start. I never talk to him. I have to start somewhere.

Hey Mary,
I can relate a little. I grew up in similar conditions. Emotional neglect at an early age can mess up the wiring in your brain so that you can't always see the things you're doing that are making life so tough.
Chances are that you'll need a therapist to help you sort it out.
This would be the most likely place to start.

It took me some twenty years of self imposed isolation to figure out that human beings are social creatures and this is the closest thing to an "instinct" that we have.
The more I fought it the more miserable I became and gave myself a scorching case of avoidant personality disorder in the process.

I am still in the process of working this stuff out. I imagine it'd have been easier if I had confronted it at an earlier age.
For me I sought out women who I thought could fill the void my mother left.

Didn't work.

I wish I had some good advice for ya but I don't.

Just be careful in seeking out human touch...especially being a teenage girl.
A lot of men in general and teenage boys in particular are notorious for their rapacious and over-enthusiastic pursuit of the reproductive process.
Though quite convincing, they really don't have your best interest in mind.
I know this because I targeted girls with emotional problems when I was a teen.

Giving into these demands and pressures will just make things worse and end up re-wiring your brain in the wrong direction and leave you even more vulnerable to other disorders...both mental and physical.

Anyway, I can relate to that gnawing void left by your father....it is very real and very debilitating to your relationships with others...and left untreated can consume you.

But it is a condition that can be mastered with help....this coming from someone who had himself convinced he was a lost cause and not worthy of the space he was taking up.

I suspect that if you can get the help you need that you'll be back here in the near future consoling the young women in the place you are now.

-accept any fate but submission!

You know. That makes a lot of sense to me.
I have literally always looked for a guy to give me a little boost

I really appreciate you confessing that you used to target girls like me.
I mean that in the least weird way possible.

To be honest you taught me something.
You said "Though (boys are) convincing"
and that is true!! it is.

Just recently the guy I was talking to told me he has a girlfriend.
I felt like such a fool! I did.
And you're right Larry, that is the way it is.

quick question.. how long did it take you to confront your mom about it?

Hey Mary,
Glad I could provide some insight. I really do hope you can avoid those pitfalls I've seen others, as well as myself, fall into.
If you got the time or inclination, read "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus".
It'll help you weed out the jerks and show you how to recognize a genuine guy. It's not fool proof but it'll get ya started.

To answer your question-
I haven't.

I always knew my mother was a little off....ok, a lot off, but it hadn't occurred to me that something as simple as her staying in her room for most of my life could have that profound of effect on me.

Saying "Mommy didn't love me" did not get me any closer to solving the immediate problem.

I was wrong.

I guess I'm in the same boat as you, so I don't have any great words of wisdom for ya.
But at least you know there's someone else out there waging a similar war.

Stay strong!

Dear Larry,
I don’t normally read but when it comes to learning about myself; I would do a lot.
I think I actually will read that book! Not joking!

To tell you the truth I feel like I have a new friend. I honestly dont know anyone who can relate to things that ive experienced. Maybe it’s because I dont have the courage to
spill out my true self to ANYONE LITERALLY.

I feel that the day is getting closer. To tell you the truth I’m a little scared.
Sometimes when I was a kid, I would try to explain things to him and he would do something sudden such as slap me.
Im not afraid of the things he could physically do to me as much as the emotional hurt and silence that was left.

I really appreciate you supporting me and I know that youre working on it also.

Start by writing down what you think you want to say. Write questions you want to ask him and answers for what you think he might ask back. Go over what you want to say more than once. When you are ready give him a call but have what you want to say right in front of you. If that is too hard write him a letter but make sure you tell him in it that you are writing instead of calling because it is too hard.

Hey Mary,
Hmmm.....a friend. Having AVPD I don't have many of those. :)
Thanks

I like the advice that Tools gave. Writing on these support forums provides a little relief, so why wouldn't a "mock" letter, more concentrated to the point, do that too?
I don't know how you are but for me, writing these things out seems to be the only way I can communicate coherently.
When speaking my emotions get in the way and I sound like I am.....confused.

I dunno, I guess I should have included this in my first reply as it might provide a perspective you're actually seeking.

Maybe I didn't mention it because my male parental unit(sore subject) isn't that far off from yours....or even worse- me

As I'm writing this I can hear my kids and my wife playing in the family room.
All three of them them are laughing and talking loudly about something on T.V. and obviously having a good time.

I'm sitting here in my man-cave chain smoking,playing on the computer, and reading.
This is what I do everyday. I have very little meaningful contact with any of them. Never have.
I want to...I just can't find the way.

My daughter is 11. She has started insinuating that I don't love her or care about her.
This is the furthest thing from the truth and it hurts...bad.
I honestly don't know what to tell her.
My brain is telling me that those three little words are inappropriate in this situation and my voice simply freezes up.
So I say nothing.

I am noticing that some of this hurt is compounding into anger.....I believe that I'm a bad parent and she, though unwittingly, is confirming it.
I am finding myself being short with her...or even a little intolerant of her at times.(I don't hit though the urge is sometimes there)

What I'd like to do is grab all three of them in a hug and tell them how much I love them.....but I can't.
I'm trapped inside my head and overwhelmed by guilt.
Guilt of not having been there for them.

My little girl isn't my little girl....she's one of my greatest failures staring me in the face each day.

I have at least recognized this problem and try to show them that I care and that I'm the way I am because of me and not because of them.
At least in my own weird way....I think they understand most of the time.

Anyway, maybe your Dad really is an uncaring hardass......or maybe he's a little like me...except he never found his weird way to tell you how he felt.

But, I guess Tools' words of wisdom would pro'ly be a good place to start...it's where I'm going to start.
And who knows?
Maybe your father and my mother will eventually start with this too.

If you do contact him don't expect immediate results even if he is receptive to the idea.
Men digest emotion much more slowly than women do......and the more the emotion the more time needed-especially if that emotion involves us admitting we're wrong.
That's why they call them man-caves and not gentlemen's rooms. :)

Anyway, do what you can do...I'll be rootin' for ya

Your daughter seems like she’s really strong. In comparison to me, shes reaching out to you. She has the need of a father to talk to and hold her when she has a problem.

You’re in charge of giving her the presence of a father.
Don’t let her childhood pass.
Please don’t. You’re a major part of her life. You really are!
I encourage you to read : Women and Their Fathers.

To be honest, it seems like youre selfconscious and the guilt is really getting to you.
Shes not trying to make you feel bad. SHE wants you. she does.

Larry you have done the first step, realizing you have trouble sharing you feelins and fun time with your family. Try hard to tell them that you have trouble with it. Then set a time to do something all together at least once a week for at least half an hour. Play a game, swim, watch a show your child loves, just find something. It is the times I got to interact with my dad that I treasure more than what was said.