How can I be more cold?

I cannot be emotionally detached. It’s so difficult.

1 Heart

If my experience is any indication (and it may not be), the need to be “cold” is a substitute for learning how to take care of yourself. I guess I’m full of mantras and one of them is "Love others as much as you can, and don’t take no “ish.” Perhaps you are pleasing others because you are not pleasing yourself, and you may not be pleasing yourself because deep down you don’t think you deserve it, even though you may tell yourself that you do. Then, when those you give to seem unappreciative of your efforts you get angry and sad because maybe you thought they would show you some affection, value and treasure you in ways you don’t value and treasure yourself. When I suffered with this, the first thing I had to do was learn to say “no” when I really didn’t want to do something, and to keep my mouth shut when I wanted to volunteer for something. This way, I cleared the path to my own feelings, and sat in them, really felt them, until I realized why I was always offering myself up like some kind of sacrifice. In not giving to others for the wrong reasons, I discovered an emptiness I didn’t even know was there. I found that I had become invisible to myself and was using others as stand-ins for me. To bring myself into focus I had to start serving myself by discovering what I wanted to do, day to day, and doing it, or even doing absolutely nothing. The more I pleased myself, the better I felt. I was starting to love the aspect of myself that I had previously not liked. Once I grew stronger through what I was doing for myself, I was able to explore the darkness that had caused me to over-accommodate others. This helped me to change my behavior, one small step at a time. I learned how to take care of myself, and so I no longer had to be afraid and try to find ways to be “cold.” Ultimately, I balanced giving to myself and giving to others and found that I could give unconditionally to others when I felt a real need to, and that made it unconditional because I was also NOT giving when I really didn’t want to.

If you’re still around, I hope this helps. I wish you love.

1 Heart

You shouldn’t try to be emotionally detached. If everyday situations are emotionally exhausting it might be that you are having too strong a response. I have had similar experiences where I was just giving a situation more emotional labor than it actually needed. It’s ok to cut yourself slack and not feel like it has to be all or nothing.

1 Heart

I don’t think the problem is just pleasing everybody, but the lack of affection from others, whenever I try to be more communicative. It seems like most of the people don’t really care that much about me, but I know some do, even if me or them message first. It’s just mentally tiring to feel left out. Always being miserable is a sign of a mental health issue. I’ve had problems during my teenage years until adulthood, so yeah, it makes it much more challenging yo be more open to new friendships/relationships. But I thank you for taking the time to comment, even though this isn’t the main issue why I asked this question.

I’m asking this, because I don’t want to deal with that sort of crap anymore and I’d rather let it all go, instead of feeling like sit all the time. Fck having those feelings. What’s the point of just weeping from all of this that’s not in my control?