How can such a mess exist inside me? I try, I try as much as I can to be okay with everything but I can't even speak like a normal person. I feel so angry and disgusted with myself, I can't stand other people, even when I love my family, I can't be around them for long, and I can't explain anything, because if I do (I have before) I'll be dismissed, or ignored, talking to them does not bring relief or any sort of catharsis at all. Saturday they asked me to stay with them for a while, but I felt myself start to shut down and felt the burning of sadness coming from my stomach, to my throat like hot iron, until tears started coming out, and all I could say was: I don't feel okay. And they were just dumbfounded and didn't know what to do, and my dad just shrugged it off, I felt ashamed and all I wanted to do was run, and melt down in the privacy of my room, as I always have so they never see me, but my sister didn't let me. My mom acted like I would do something, if only she knew I can't seem to actually DO IT because a beloved family member already did it, and I don't want to be the one to put salt in the -obviously still fucking there- wounds (I already tried something...though I wanted to damage a major organ and die slowly, a quick death is too easy for someone like me). I feel like a monster, like something completely inhuman made out of self-hatred and guilt every day, and I have been living with the same feelings since I was 7 years old or younger...and I want to die so badly, how can I keep this up? Our family life is so fucked up, but they keep at it until someone says, moves, or breathes wrong and it all goes to **** and even demons rise from hell...and all I can do when they play pretend while on their tiptoes is stare at the chaos and smell the burning piles of bull**** around us. I hate this, I hate this so much, and I can't fix any of it, my mom is sick, my dad is sick, my sister is a slow burn kind of mess, my other sister is an outright mess, and my little brother is just there, unraveling very fast and far away from being a sweet, good kid. Heaven help me, all I want to do is go back in time, tell my younger self my dreams -for as selfless as they are and for as much hard work I do- will never come true, and nor I, nor any of the people I love will ever be happy, so I might as well jump in front of a car as I almost did so many times. I want to say: it doesn't get better, and since people will never learn, it gets a hell of a lot worse.
Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear all this and how you're feeling. I really feel. for you. What exactly is causing you so much stress? Are parents actually sick or what is the situation? I get that you can't talk to them because they don't listen. We are here for you. HUGS
I know the feeling, I'm so sorry for you. Maybe it will help if you talk to us here ❤
THIS IS FOR DRAGONFIRE !! Hi, will you please support me? I have just spent 1 1/2 hrs writing a really long message to you which - Ajax Error and, wouldn't send... So I was in the process of 'Copying', 'Cutting', & 'Paste', and..... Aaagggghhhhh, I lost the lot... Is would have been too long to post on this SG site page which, is what I was going to tell you and, I would have posted it on, a Private Message Page to you... I will support you as, I feel, we could be of 'Great Help / Support / Good To Talk Too with, each other... I 'Get' and 'Understand' what your saying totally... I will leave it, in your hands... Sent with love, Trish x