New to the site have been reading the posts looking for answers. My story: Married 10 years. For the past year i have only realized that she was drifting from our relationship. As a result, the past few months we have had conversations which have lead into huge arguments.6 weeks ago she drops the bomb on me that she loves me but is not "in love" with me and proceeds to move out of the house. During this time frame we have had minimal contact with each other other than discussing our children. I have tried everything to appease her suggested counseling which she adamantly refused, i have gone to a therapist, used the so called save your marriage books, etc.. 2 weeks ago we sat down to "talk" and she said that she was emotionally done with our relationship.all the while she is discussing our problems with her female friend and most recently her friends brother. I have asked repeatedly if there was someone else and she has said no. However, tonite I see them together and put 2 & 2 together (i have suspected this was going on) but as I was trying to work out our issues which she wouldnt other than the obligatory "im done".This guy is a POS for doing this however i am angry that she could do this to me, i have been faithful and never even thought of straying. i am her 2nd husband. She divorced the 1st due to him cheating on her. have not confronted her on this yet,, and I believe that this may not be the first time she has done this ( roughly a year ago she called me to tell me that another mans wife was accusing my wife and her husband of an affair). She stated it wasn't true and I beleived her and our relationship was the best it had ever been. Cutting to the chase i need advice: i am torn, I still love her with all my heart, she is talking divorce but has been dragging her feet, after finding this out I am angry and feel like i should divorce, after 6 weeks of hell i have been through wondering what i did to make her feel this way. Somebody Help me please
Newbee,
You can't force anyone to love you. This is a choice we are all blessed to have. And despite the fact that you still love her (and probably always will), don't cut yourself short by letting yourself believe you can handle having a wife who might be seeing another man. You do not deserve to be treated like crap, you haven't done anything wrong.
I think you need to sit her down and confront her about all the questions you have. Tell her you need to know the truth so that you both can figure out how to resolve this.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know your heart feels like its been torn out and thrown into a blender. Take time every day to do something nice for yourself.... an extra long hot shower.... a bowl of ice cream while you watch football.... a walk with your headphones and favorite music.... and please, reach out to others that you know love you. Family? Close friends? They love you and want to help you too.
Prayers of strength for you.
newbee
its time and circumstances that brought the change not anything u did or she did but a combination of both.
im sorry for all your pain but u need to see a doc to make sure this anxiety and stress isnt taking its toll on your physical/mental well being.
seasonal me has some good advicee for u to follow
keep posting
loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
Newbee
Been through the same event as you are in.
I found out through the phone bill she was talking to some Man in other state plus she would leave me and kids on weekend no Idea where she went.You have to come right out and ask her.I to had her asking for divorse but dragged her feet.Till I could not take it anymore and filed myself.Did not want divorse but like said you can not change someone who has made a choice to leave the marrage.You will be in for a rough time but as time goes by it gets easier.Do not look back and say I should of done this or that she made up her mind and choice a path that you have no control over.BE STRONG it is tough!
Keep the faith
Zimmy
I have an update, i did confront her about the situation and at first it was denial, but subsequently she has told me that he happened to be there for her to talk to but she is uncertain of whatever it is that they share and she is unsure that she wants that. After a weekend full of all of the emotions (mostly anger)Thanks in part to your advice, and reasons (many but minor) she couldn't try to work on our marriage and the fact that she did not feel the way I feel about her,I made the decision and informed her that I could no longer continue to put myself through what I have been experiencing in the hopes that she might change her mind ( which was emotional for the both of us), and the toll this uncertainty has had on our children.I stated that I understood her feelings and that I will always love her and be there for her, that we needed to move on from each other and to start the process which on this day was to seperate financially from each other. Thanks to all of you for your support i know that right now this is what needs to happen in order to regain control over my life.
i have been through the same situation and i know how your feeling right now its hard its overwhelming its emotional exchausting!!! keep your head up i will be praying for you!!!
Some people do not know what they have untill its gone and then they wonder…why?
Thanks to all of you for your support and kind words.this week has been a long ride on that emotional roller coaster. After my confrontation with her, i felt relieved and not stressed out , however yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks that I need her in my life. I know that it is her choice and that I have accepted that there is nothing I can say or do that will change her mind. We have actually had conversations over the phone and texting the last couple of days which have been pleasant and amicable as I travel alot for business. My mind tells me that maybe I did the right thing by standing up instead of being a doormat and that maybe this action has caused her to think about our relationship, then I rationalize that maybe I am overthinking things and that perhaps this is a figment of my imagination as to what I desire.Through all of it though I know that I love her more than I have ever loved another, and that we were meant to be together- she is my soulmate, and that she and our children are everything to me which is why this has been so painful for me because I feel as though i have lost all that I hold dear to me. Sorry to ramble, and not sure if this post will even make sense. Thanks to all for your support.
Been through this hurt and I'm SO sorry. My thoughts are with you at this time Newbee......
I have been throught this hurt to,I’m sorry to. Hang in there my friend.
Good work Newbee for standing up & talking your feelings through w/her, thats what relationships are about & yes very emotionally draining. I wish you all the best.
All my strengths.
April
WTF. Today she stopped over to look for some of her clothes, and she decided to hang out for a while and just talk about off the wall stuff and plans for our childrens upcoming birthdays, almost as nothing has ever happened> i assume this is because she feels that I have accepted this end to our marriage. While i do enjoy time with her talking and want to remain friends and amicable, i cant help but think that she doesnt know what she wants, and why is she doing this? This is what she wanted- not me.
Its an exhausting learning experience for all so YES she may not know/realize the real ramifications of the situation & whats coming in the unforeseen future. & yes its easier to talk about incidental things/issues as to not rock all the emotions time & time again. Would be a good time to reflect & focus on YOU.
All my strengths.
April
Its all nuts isn't it Newbee. But yes I am going through the exact same thing as you sure. I've been married almost 10 years and thats exactly what my wife is doing right now. So we talked about a week in a half ago bout finally going our separate ways because I can't keep up with the crap she's doing. So i'm moving foward with the process, its not what I want but like the unforseeable future I must focus on me and the kids. Its like nails some days and like butter on the others, but I know God does have something better. Marriage to me was and is always a life-time but infidelity does change that. Especially when the ohter doesn't really care about what the one sposue did to the other in regards to that. I'm here for you buddy.
April,I agree that it is exhausting to talk about the past. I am tired of rehashing it myself and I want to move forward with her even if we were to start over together. I am really trying to focus on myself and being strong for my children. To be honest i am confident in and content with myself that even if there was an affair it doesnt really matter and doesnt change how I feel about her. We have been through difficult times before and have come out the other side stronger and more committed to each other. This year it just seems that everything that could go wrong went wrong be it financially, health, and family and it all piled on around the time it she was drifting from me (at the time I was focused on all the issues going wrong, never thought that she was unhappy in our marriage) , and instead of trying to discuss her feelings and support her, i ended up saying things out of anger and jealousy from being so exhausted from working 60 to 80 hours a week, dealing with all of these issues,etc. I know that she has been stressed out over the same things and felt responsible for all of the things that went wrong and hasn't been willing to share with me her thoughts and feelings. We are the same in that respect, we both keep it bottled up tight. Most recently we have been both stressed over her health (thought she may of had cancer).I know that neither of us is perfect, and i wouldnt want it any other way that what drew me to her. Some days we can talk to each other and it seems like we are making progress, other times it feels like we are taking steps backwards, and then some days when we talk, i will want to talk about what went wrong and then she shuts down and i feel like an *** for sabotaging the progress we have made by trying to share my feelings with her which is new for me. She has told me she has noticed changes in me. I feel closer to being the man that she fell in love with years ago and not so much the person i had become, and i beleive that she sees that. Lamentca- man do I know what you are going through and you are strong, while i cant take the bull by the horns and petition for a divorce, i am moving forward slowly. I know i shouldn't have hope that she will wake up and realize this isn't what she wants. There is something in her actions and what she says that makes me believe that the marriage isnt over, it sounds stupid I know, but its there. Thanks to all of you for your support, and wisdom. i have to be honest, i didnt think this internet group thing would be helpful, but it has helped me get through a really rough time thanks to you all it makes it easier to cope especially when there are others who are going through the same things.
It will continue to be hot and cold, both of you are in new territory. When my husband and I first split I felt akward seeing him when picked up the kids. This is the man that I would kiss and say I love you too, and now what do I shake his hand and say goodbye???
You will go through a lot of emotions as will she, you have to handle it one day, sometimes one hour at a time. Hang in there, you will be fine. Remember if nothing else you have your kids to keep you sane.
newbee, wellcome here. You are in the right place, I think, all of us have similar or even the same problems, so you can get understanding, support and advise -more or less useful. maybe mine is on the less useful side, but...I'll try to explain something from my point of view, like woman. Before being with another man phisically(maybe), she was with him emotionally and this is that counts. Once the love is misplaced, it never comes back. You can have the empty shell of your wife, but she will not be really with you. You don't need life like that, so be strong and don't chase after illusiones. Wish you peace of mind.M.
Ladies- thank you for your guidance and well wishes.MK- thank you for a womans point of view and I feel like a fool because maybe that is what she has been trying to tell me and I havent been listening. that really hit home because that is what I want is the intimacy that we once had. Maybe I have been chasing ghosts. I thought that this connection was like a drug and would eventually wear off and that she would come back home in time if i got my **** together or that she was dealing with some of her issues. I mean you can only put up a front for so long before you see the person as they really are and believe me this guy has alot of issues and baggage to which she doesnt deserve. I can see the anguish in her everytime I pick up the kids, and i have to fight with myself not to hold her and tell her this doesnt have to be this way. Am I that disallusioned? Can we not at some point reconnect or at least try? isnt it worth the effort and not to discard our 12 year relationship and 10 year marriage like the trash?
You've got a good head on your shoulders & relationships are a seesaw, if only people could/would realize that & lighten up expectations or preconceived notions of one another & enjoy & give to eachother would be so much better. Am sure she will (w/the beauty of hind sight) realize some things & take some responsibility for the relationship too then only good can come out of this, just keep show her who you are regardless of where shes living & one day maybe invite her for coffee without any expectations & just talk w/her if you can.
thanks April. i really do miss her and to a point the way things were. I want to be whole again and give her all of the love and affection she needed and what i wasnt giving her that contributed to this f**ked up mess. I know that this was a wake up call for me, Am just thinking that it is too late now. Couldnt sleep last night because i sense that she is not going to come back. this weekend is our youngest daughters birthday and we are supposed to be going out to dinner together with the children (her idea) as a family to our daughters favorite place. Am going to enjoy this moment with all of them and try to keep it together. this just really sucks.