How did I get so Lucky

I would never consider myself lucky. Ive dealt with death, depression, insomnia, anxiety, and my biggest and hardest battle my eating disorder. With my recent relapse, though I haven't become fully engaged in my past behaviors, is still my battle. The only difference from past relapses and this one is I am fighting just as hard as my eating disorder. Somehow. I stepped up, not wanting to do this dance any longer and got help.

The emotional toll is still just as hard. I have massive mood swings. I can feel good about myself and then horrible in the same day, same hour...

I know I have friends and family who love me and who are supportive. But that is not why I feel lucky even in this mess I have made. My best friend, my boyfriend Mike is why I feel so lucky. How did I get so lucky to have found him- to have him love me back? Most people would have left me already with all the crap I have put him through. And to top it all off, he still continues to make me smile.

Today I had a hard moment. I got upset and let all of ED's comments take a toll on me. I felt crushed, fat, disgusted, unworthy, fat (yeah I know I already said that but still). I told him. I told him how I felt and how the food I ate was going to make me gain. How the fat is getting bigger and my thighs rub together when I walk. That all the girls on campus are thin and beautiful and it wasn't fair! I was honestly mad. You know what he said!
"start looking at the people... everyone is different and you are who you are.i happen to like you. and the way you look. if i wanted to be with someone like that, guess what, id be with them... and dealing with their extreem dumbness.. and there incessent drinking, and cheating on me.. and i would hate my life... but im with you.. and i love how you look.. i love my life with you".

My question is- why do I do this to myself? I have this amazing guy that loves me for WHO I AM. Not for my ED. Not when I am too skinny and frail and SICK. He loves me for ME! Why do I torture myself like this- struggle with food. I just want to be normal- like last year. Free from ED, food was just food and I was just me. It will happen again i am determined. One day. Ive got my boyfriend to keep me strong and to realize my insane ED reality so I can push it away and bury it forever. One day I WILL be stronger than ED, I know it.

allee

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
I know from experience that your boyfriend can see the real you, undistorted by your ED, and thats the woman that he loves. He fights your ED every day because he wants you to shine through. With 2 of your fighting I know for a fact that ED will be crushed and demolished.
You deserve to be loved for the person you are, not for the size and shape of your body.

allee..you have a great guy, obviously, and he can see what an amazing woman you are! You WILL beat this Allee....never give up!! Jan ♥

you are so amazingly strong!! keep moving forward, you can totally beat this!!
and you know why ur so 'lucky'? its so because ur SO worth it! and deserve him, and a life free from ed.
keep fighting! ur such an inspiration to me.
x

Allee,

I know exactly how you feel, how I can relate so well.
We beat ourselves up for doing this to ourselves sometimes because we are so fortunate for the love we have now.
But what you have to remember is that that your ED has been here way longer than Mike has been around, so it's going to take time for this new emotion to take over all the rest. You have to dig deep inside yourself to find the true reason you feel you need to be so skinny. Why you chose THAT route to solve your problems and try to use the new tactics you've learned with Mike to solve them.
Remind yourself that you do not have to prove anything to anyone EVER, and that even at your worst of moments you have someone who loves you for YOU. You don't have to do anything and he accepts you and embraces every part of you. He fell in love with Allee, not Allee's body.

Keep fighting my dear <3 sorry I haven't been around lately
Paige xoxo

Hey Paige!

How are you? You haven't been on in a while? Thank you for that message. It really means alot to me. You are right. And I am trying to find out Why. Hopefully the answers will come as I go through therapy.

allee

Allee...thinking of you....take care...HUGS..Jan ♥