How do I get over the fear that I am going to balloon overnight

Hi there my support friends. I need some of your supportive advice.

I have been really good actually at eating normally (I think)I have been extremely busy with the end of the year routines of highschool. I have summative projects coming in, marking, final exams to create and now mark. So it has been really good for me to keep my mind diverted.

Unfortunately I cannot seem to get rid of this nagging obsession that I am going to wake up and balloon. I am not perfectly content with my weight (I know real suprise there) but if I didn't lose anymore I wouldn't be absolutely devestated. My fear is that I am going to gain a huge amount and I am going to gain it NOW. I don't even know how to express this fear to anyone because they keep laugh and tell me that it is impossible and I shouldn't be so foolish.

How do I get over this??? I could cry at the drop of a hat if I allow myself. I end up with such a cloud over me all day. I hate it but it is so consuming. I am also worried because I am off for the summer in about a week. I will have all the time in the world (almost because I do have 3 small children) to one, run and run for however long I feel like it, and two, to think and obsess over my ED even more. I cannot believe how hard it is for me to shed this recent fall back.

Any advice that any of you might have would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for being there. I was reading a recent post by someone who found it difficult to find support in her area. I live in a very rural area and I find it extremely difficult to find support as well. I have been fighting this ED of mine on my own with the support of my shrink who I see at most once a month. It is definately not easy. Hence the reason I am so happy I found this site. I love all the support and advice I receive from all of you.

Thank you. Hugs and blessings to you all.
Shana

Shana,

I can sooo relate... :) I'm also a teacher. Last summer I was at my worst, ED-wise... I used my time to restrict and workout. I worked full-time at my part-time job, and was crazy-sick by the time school started back. :P I think, for me, a big motivating factor in the maintenance of my ED is my great FEAR over regaining the weight! I had 13 years of binges to support this very real fear! To me, as long as I am losing weight, I am not gaining it. :P I never learned how to maintain, or to trust my body's ability to do so. It seemed to be a choice between undereating and overeating, and given the choice, I'd rather be skinny. Fortunately, I'm now seeing that I don't have to choose between obesity and starving. There's a whole world of middle ground. ♥ Gray. ;0) I didn't really KNOW this, BELIEVE this, until I experienced it. So, for me, getting HERE meant that I had to trust others until I could SEE and FEEL the truth. I'm consistent with my eating today. And WOW... My WEIGHT is consistent, too! :) LOL! No, I'm not completely satisfied with my weight either ;0), but I'm healthy, and I know for a fact that losing will not make me happier. I'm starting the hard work of figuring out what WILL make me happy... Prozac is a good start. Hahahaha! ;0) Anyway... Summer vacation... Any change in routine/schedule or added stress, etc., always throws me for a loop. I was worried about starting my vacation, too. I'm at the end of my second week now. Last week I really thought I was relapsing. But things evened out. I'm starting to relax. I'm working my recovery more now, using that extra time to my benefit. I told my nutritionist that I want to make enough progress this summer so that I can start the next school year eating "normally". She thinks it's possible. :)

Hang in there, Shana! Remember that things might be rocky at first, but you will adjust to the new schedule. Struggling doesn't have to mean a relapse. It gets better. You will NOT balloon overnight. If you are consistent with your eating, your body will stop gaining once it reaches its own healthy level. ♥

Love to you!

Jen

Hello Shana,

In my opinion, when someone notice the fear the first thing one want to do is get away from it - fast! The thing one least want to do is face it squarely. However this may be what one may need to do. I have done this myself and know that it works. I had to go through something that terrified me, only because my mind made it so. After I did it, I realized how much the mind can make much ado over something, which is usually always the case. After "going in" I was much better the second time around and so on. Even going in shaking or trembling which is quite normal in the start fase. Let the fear do what it wants with you. Sit in and feel it fully. If possible share it as much as possible with whoever may be of support; family, friends, support group, etc .... It's really something you have to do for yourself to see. The thing that always hurts the most is trying to get away from experiencing whatever we perceive as a negative emotion.

My best advice is to embrace the anxiety and fear. You've been through it enough that you know it won't kill you

Best of luck with it all!

Hello...
I think more than a support group you need professional help. I saw this blog, am posting the link for you to see. I have talked to the lady who runs the blog and she had a session with me for free. In return for me spreading the word about her.
She doesn't ask for money if you can't pay her. Otherwise she is far affordable than any other professional I have seen online.
This is her link

i-need-sum1-to-talk-to.blogspot.com

I'm sure she can help you as she helped me in so many ways I can't mention.

Hmmm... This makes me a bit uneasy... Shana does have a therapist... I agree that a professional is very important. But that does not negate the importance of a support group. I credit this one, and the people I've met here, with saving my life. ♥

Jen

It makes me uneasy as well. It’s great to have people to talk to, but the site that was mentioned does not indicate that this person is a licensed professional. Please take care in that sort of situation.
Shana…You have been offered some great advice. I am sorry you are struggling so, but please keep using this site for support and know that you are understood. Is there any chance that you could see your ‘shrink’ more often? Wishing you peace and better days…take care…Jan :heart:

I too have this fear and it is more prominent now that I am finished with school and I don't work this summer. I'm a math tutor at a high school so I get time off like teachers and I hope to one day become one =] I'm having a hard time with the obsessive thoughts and fears because I have so much free time on my hands. I know
my ED is getting worse but that's besides the point. I know for me when I write poetry I feel a little better because my obsessions are on paper and for even just half an hour I have relief. Might that help? I think the new schedule of being off throws everything off for you because now you don't have a set schedule for the day as before. I get that way when I no longer have control over what the day entails. Maybe schedule something to do each day even if it is just reading at a park. It might ease the fears.

Ashley =]

Shana, I am going through the exact same. I'm supposed to follow this meal plan but the only thing I worry about is how it'll affect my body the next day. Every morning I wake up and make sure I still look "ok" (whatever that means). It's torture, sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off and stop feeling. I am obsessed and it's painful. I still don't know how to stop it, the only things I have tried are reading (just easy page turners due to my exams) and focusing on my exams. If you could perhaps find something else to think about...? It's hard I know, some days are better than others for me. Hope it works out for you! Try to enjoy your summer vacation!

yes i think the support u get here is excellent and most people are committed to logging in and being on line at least once if not more a week.

while i appreciate for some its more therapy why not try a simple idea, my sister inlaw has a belt that she wears to gage how much fatter she can be so last thing at night and first thing in the morning she pops it on.

we mark the hole she is aiming for/maintaining in permenant marker simple, discreet when the children or others are about and peace of mind for her.

it takes all the anxiety out of the equation as it is a visable image that is instantly alerting her/us to changes

hope that helps

loving thoughts and positive vibes

The belt is creative. I may give that a shot

let me know what u think if u do try it

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes

A belt... Hmmm... That's really a form of 'body checking'... I understand the draw for that kind of behavior... I DO... But I think we need to be careful with it... It can be an ED trigger... I am often guilty of 'body checking' myself, and I know that doing so IS triggering for me... I understand that it's a natural way to feel safe while trying not to weigh, etc., but it is one more tool our EDs use to try to maintain control and keep our focus on our size... I think it's important to try to break these habits... Is there another way you can evaluate yourself?

Love to you!

Jen

Jen,

I agree…the belt idea shocked me a bit! It almost seemed like a form of punishment…still a direct focus on body size. Thank you for pointing this out…HUGS…Jan :heart:

You're right. I'd get too obsessed and that's not what I need right now. I don't need anything to evaluate my body because I'll just obsess. So it's better I don't.

hi

one thing i forgot to mention is EDs have come a long way in the last couple of decades but we were dealing with this long before when it was take a tonic and come back or at worst she was a mental health patient

and we were dealing with this in the late sixties so as u can see "bodychecking" was unheard of then

which is why the belt works for her, we need neither scales or others imput which she would refuse having suffered in her younger days with the illness sometimes cruelly. and definitely without sensitivity

hoping u find a good way forward as always

loving thoughts and positive vibes

It sounds like a good idea. Honestly it does and I'd love to try it but I'm not responsible enough to safely try it. Maybe one day =]

The belt IS a form of body checking. Whether one developed this method of body checking before there was a vocabulary with which to identify it or not, it doesn't change the fact that it is a method of measuring one's size, focusing on whether one's body is "good enough". It is not something I would challenge with that particular person. But it is not responsible to advocate someone with an eating disorder use something which keeps the focus on staying small. There are so many other ideas for ways to FREE the mind from these obsessions. Learning to BE healthy and ACT towards that end is an esential step in recovery.

With respect,

Jen

Wow,

Thank you to all of you for giving me some comfort and advice. I like the idea of the belt however, I think it would be a trigger for me as some have suggested.

I read A LOT and I tend to get entranced in the book which is very helpful but only for the duration that I am reading.

I run everyday which is great because it helps me relax but is at the same time addictive and if I don't run I obsess over the fact and think I need to run twice as far or twice as hard the next time. Self defeating behaviour most likely.

This past Friday I actually purged for the first time in 6 months or more. I had my kids left over ice cream which went down fine but after I finished I was horrified at what I had just done. I went straight to the washroom and purged. I am not proud of myself for doing it but at the same time I felt sooooo much better after. Why is it that I cannot find anything that can calm my anxiety better than purging??????

I look at this episode as a slip and I have encouraged my inner self not to get attached to that high it gave me but it is scary. I haven't told anyone about it not even my husband. My brain is in a little bit of turmoil because of my up coming holidays and no set schedule.

You will most likely be hearing a lot more from me over the next couple of months. I won't have my work to distract me.

I'm sorry I have really just been rambling. I do go see my shrink in about a week. Maybe I will see if I can schedule a few more sessions with him over the summer to help ease my anxieties.

Once again thank you for all your support

Shana,

Yes... Exercise can also be addictive, and a major component of an eating disorder. I have struggled with that as well. Purging... Well, that can also be highly addictive. The things you are describing and experiencing are not things you can just get over on your own. Is there any way you can see your therapist more regularly? I know that once every two weeks was not enough for me. I had to go to once each week. Think about what you need. Talk to your therapist about it. This is your life at stake.

Love,

Jen

Shana...thank you for sharing and continuing to be open about your struggles. You obviously want to recover, it's just a very difficult journey, with many twists and turns. I agree with whath Jen has said, and I think it's important that you examine your mindset and motive behind these behaviors..the exercise and the purging are both compensatory measures. I too, hope that you will look into more frequent sessions with your therapist, and perhaps consider a higher level of care. This really is your life at stake, and you deserve to live free from this!! Take care...Jan ♥