How do I help my teenager to understand me

I have a 17 soon to be 18 year old son. I’m having difficulty communicating to him why I have to pursue a different lifestyle than the married and family one and why I’m so depressed presently.

I’ve been depressed pretty much all winter. I know what I need to do to help myself but I don’t think I’ll be able to explain it to him in a way that he’ll be able to accept let alone understand.

He’s a bright kid and very capable but I’m afraid that his maturity level is still not at the stage where I can be totally honest with him. I’m fairly certain that he still sees life in absolutes. I don’t think he’s completely capable of understanding some of the nuances of my life and my way of thinking.
I’m really not sure how to proceed with him in terms of communicating.

I want him to know that he’s not at all to blame for any of my depression and negative feelings and I’ve told him as much. However, there’s still a rift in our relationship that I’d like to repair but I don’t quite know how to do that.
I feel that if he were a little older and had more life experience, he would realize that I just can’t flip a switch and automatically be happy. I suppose I could tell him how I feel about that particular topic? I would tell him that feeling good about oneself takes great effort. At least it does for me.

I could say to him that I can’t do the things I need to do to feel good about myself living where I am currently living but I’m afraid that he will think that I’m blaming him in some way. Actually, that’s the main problem that I’ve had with him. Whenever I try to talk to him he accuses me of blaming him for how I feel. That’s certainly not correct. Of course it hurts me a lot when he argues with me about almost everything and there’s never a good time to try to talk to him about how I see things. My son and I are constantly arguing. All this confrontation has exacerbated our poor relationship.

I’m not certain how to tell him things without them sounding like I’m blaming him for how I feel. Every time I try to tell him anything he loses patience and our communication falls apart and I finally just give up.

It’s true that part of the reason I’m depressed is that I feel uncomfortable living this life of obligation to he and his father. A life that I realize now I was ill suited for, but what’s done is done and I am now going to leave in order to move forward in my life.

I love my son very much but I can no longer stay and live here with him and his father. It’s destroying me. I think it’s important for me to say at this juncture that I’ve had difficult health problems in the past. It’s my past health history that’s weakened me emotionally today and makes it very difficult for me to deal with highly emotionally volatile issues. I feel that the most emotionally exhausting of life’s scenarios have to do with dealing with marital problems and teenagers and their angst. I’m just not in a place where I feel strong enough to do this anymore and that’s why I strongly feel that I must leave.

I may have been a lousy wife and mother, but I’ve done the best that I know how. The point is; I stayed and lived up to my responsibilities but I just can’t do it anymore. Obviously my situation is very complex. Nevertheless, I’m 100% certain that leaving is the best thing to do. I just wish my son could see that.
I will welcome any feedback about what I just wrote. Thanks for reading this from me.

I would suggest family therapy.

i feel so sorry for u and can understand the pain u must suffer each day but to leave will deplete u emotionally even more. i think your child is just at the normal stage of teen life he grunts and its all about him he is his number one fan thought and every thing has to revolve round him. please consider alternative ways to cope hav u tried to explain how u feel to your husband although i do appreciate it might b hard to do, but as u share a child i think he must take his share of the burden and try to make things less traumatic for all concerned. GOOD luck with what ever u decide and please let us no how u are gettin on. my thoughts will b with u

Your situation is the opposite of mine. I am not sure what to say. I can't say stay because of your health. Going could help your health a bit. and give you peace of mind.
Try Counseling.

Belana follow your heart, your instincts, so many times we have the raw maturnal side that staying IS best (I fight it daily, been married 19yrs.) & then we look back w/regret or a lose of ourselves sometimes, I always know in my soul my family is always my family & will love,understand, have compassion & more respect for what I'll embark on one day. Take care of you.... my kids are 25 & 18 so domestic really knows the ins & outs of these creatures we love so much our kids....

April

Dear domestic, April & lovesmychild,
Thank you very much for responding to my post.
domestic, you are so right on about boys my sons age! You certainly hit the nail on the head! It feels good to be understood.
April,
I was very touched by your words. Yes indeed, I feel as though I’ve completely lost myself. I’m having a lot of difficulty regaining what I liked about myself. I guess right now I’m feeling very hurt and alone. It’s hard. I know that in time I’ll have a nice routine, pay attention to my health and wellbeing, and concentrate on making my life into something satisfying as a single woman. I’ve not been in this position for 25 years. Of course there’s no way my soon to be 18 year old son would understand any of that. He just made a huge stink about me coming back to do my big and final move out; as though I’ll be infringing on his life.
His dad will be out of town for over a week which would be the perfect time for me to come up there and get all my stuff. Well, my son made it painfully clear that he doesn’t want me there ruining his time alone at home. That really hurt. Just typing this makes my eyes well up and makes it hard to swallow from the huge lump in my throat.
Truthfully, I’d rather have both my son and his dad not at home while I completely move out. Having either one of them there will make things very stressful and overly emotional.
Perhaps time will help to soften my son’s harsh opinions?

Belena

my dear believe me he will come round when he stops being so aborbed in himself, at the moment its an exciting thing to b on his own in charge of his destiny. when he has his first relationship and realises all the little things that go into maintaining it he will come round probably without an apology or a word about it all.

im so sorry that this is tearing u apart but now its time for u to take care of u, keep the lines of communication open with your child but keep it light and as usual focused on him (hes far more likely to want to speak about him for a while longer), in fact most people dont seem to relise that a child can hold u to randsom like noone else can, they evoke deep dark emotions that sometimes have to simmer untill maturity catches up with them.
so hon keep smiling although i no its hard and if u encounter the manchild keep it light at least u will have the advantage of face to face contact to guide u thru the situation

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes