I and my ex have broken up. We were very much in love, we still are, but we had different priorities. mainly came down to religion. The few weeks, leading to the break up, she was being super distant with me. Barely calling me, refusing to meet up anywhere and hanging up quickly whenever we were on a call. I didn’t understand what was happening so I tried my best to get her to talk to me. She wouldn’t budge.
Apparently, she had been going thru a lot of mental issues. She even attempted suicide at some point. But i never knew anything and couldn’t even guess what she was going thru. She had converted her belief without letting me know and She told me right when she converted. I felt betrayed as she reassured me the week before her never changing her religion and we talked about our future. I knew something wasn’t right so I told her that I am willing to help her in any way I possibly can and that there was no time limit to getting better. I have been there myself. I have attempted suicide 3 times four years ago. Thankfully I went to therapy and got significantly better. Since then, I have made a personal vow to help anyone going thru this cuz I don’t want anyone to go thru the same thing I went thru.
Mind you I didn’t know anything about her suicidal attempt even when she told me about her religion change. During that time, my life was threatened twice. Once was when I got hanged and robbed and the other was when my father threatened to kill me and my family, he held a hammer to my face. Thankfully i came out on both situations unharmed. But it left a mental scar that is just settling in now. But I was giving my ex all the attention I could give.
I asked for a week to think about the relationship after she told me she converted. And she did suicide attempt during that. When i made my decision i asked her to meet up with her and she told me what happened. I was shell shocked. It still shakes me to my core that I couldn’t help the person I love. I wanted to help her but I didn’t want to give her an empty promise by staying in the relationship. So i ended it and tried to help her from not her bf perspective. Two days after the break up, i checked up on her to see how she was doing. She said that she appreciates me doing that but asked not to talk. I agreed and asked her to talk to someone about this.
I checked up on her every now and then, one time directly to her and the others thru mutual friends. Three weeks after the breakup she called me and told me how well she is doing. She spoke up to her friends and they were working tirelessly helping her. She told me that she regained her faith and how she was makes moves on her career. I was genuinely happy and i was soo proud of her. She’s so sweet and she deserves the best.
Now i wasn’t doing the best. I had some suicidal thoughts myself and was in a deep slumber of depression. But i have a good friend circle and was getting better and moving on. the first two weeks was was tough but the 3rd one was really positive. I was moving on and I was healing. But then she called and every thing I was doing went out the window and crumbled when i heard her voice.
In a state of dispair, i asked her to get back to together now that she is back to the religion. She refused and stared accusing me of how i love the relationship more than i loved her. which made me a bit mad, cuz i know that’s not me, and rebuked that. We fought but we rekindled at the end. We both came to the conclusion that it wasn’t best to get back to together even though we love each other deeply. We explained each others reasons to why we did what we did. She asked me to blame her so that i can move on faster, but i refused and told her I understood what she was going thru and I understand how tough it must have been to talk about it. But now that she did, I told her how i am so proud of her and she told me how she was proud of me. We ended the conversation and wished eachother well.
I was reflecting on our conversation and I came to the conclusion that there were stuff I didn’t say and things I wanted to say but didn’t. And so I wrote down a large text explaining how I disagreed with the statement of me putting the relationship before her and that I apologise that I brought up the relationship so soon. We argued and then talked about it again. I explained my point of view and what I had to go thru the last few weeks leading up the breakup. I told her I would have fought for her but I couldn’t as the foundation of trust and future I had with her was gone and I didn’t have energy cuz of that. She asked me if I would have had energy if she had told me early on, right when she was having thoughts of converting and doubts about everything. I answered yess and explained that, for me, their are two sources of energy in a relationship one being love and the other being trust/future and I had those before hand so I would have her. But now, I couldn’t. Then she said sorry for the pain she caused me. I replied asking her not to be, as she tried and I’m grateful for that. Then we both said thank you and ended the convo.
After that I restricted her account on ig and muted her on every social media, at least for a little while.
On Tuesday (a week after the text convo), I sent her a text asking how she was doing and she didn’t open it. I think I’m gonna be ghosted cuz she had posted some stories. I didn’t expect her to reply immediately but I didn’t think she would do this. Honestly I don’t even know what to expect.
I’m kinda holding on, but I’m trying desperately to move on. I do not want to get into a rebound. I know time is the healer here but I was hoping i would like to get some tips to help me pass those times and any thing i could do to ease my pain
