How do I support someone with an addiction

The problem that I'm finding, is that she doesn't want to let me in. She won't accept compliments. She won't accept help. She's says she wants communication, but when it happens she says that she feels vulnerable and wants to retreat. I love her and am willing to work through all of this, but she doesn't seem to have the strength or energy to try. I really didn't understand how difficult this would all be, but I'm more hurt by giving up and she seems more hurt by trying! Is there no hope for us?

Please send her your healing and loving vibes...mine don't seem to be helping or are what she needs.

poor jack

its hard to let people in when u have all consuming passion for something else, for any type of addict it takes over every aspect of their lives, health family friends looks u name it goes down the drain.

communication if often to b conducted on their terms so they can retreat if necessary and throw up walls to keep people out, that way they are justified in continuing the behaviour

its not a question of loving her and wanting to do your best its a question of speed reading the web seeing if u can stay ahead of the addiction

if u are able have a word with the doctor/threapist who is helping out and ask them what stage they are at, be prepared for depression and anger and jsut for a change another addiction to take the place of the one she has, (ours decidedto do exercise...i sent dad with her) which is every bit as consuming to them as the previous one was untill they find an even keel

sorry it took so long to get back to u with those lovig thoughts and healing vibes

Well, everything is on her terms.

I both agree with and am disappointed when you write..."its not a question of loving her and wanting to do your best..." Jeez, you're so right, but I don't want you to be. I have always been a believer in the "love conquers all" thing. Even though time and time again, it doesn't seem to play out that way. But the truth is that love isn't enough or all or whatever. Giving 100% isn't always going to get it done either. And I just HATE it when reality stomps all over my idealism. "No Virginia, there ain't no frickin Santa Claus."

Hi Jacki, There is hope. As long as you are both breathing there is always hope. Has your friend tried getting help for herself at all either recently and/or in the past? If your friend has an addiction then she has to be willing to help herself. You may look into doing an intervention.

These are some intervention links that may also possibly be of help to you:
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/closetohome/help-resc/html/intervention.html
http://www.nationalinterventionreferral.org/
http://www.intervention911.com/
http://www.whentheywontquit.com/
http://www.intervention.com/

Also Alanon and/or Naranon for yourself. These are groups for loved ones of alcoholic and addicts. These are the links for those:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

I will say a prayer for you. Keep sharing with us. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

jack

im sorry hon to bring a dose of reality into your dreams,
but it does get better what doesnt kill u makes u stronger (my motto for life). something else for u to think about is the goalposts always change, have u got any support for yourself during this time? if not look around and get some. "love conquers all" does happen but not as fairytales/films put it u cant defeat the addiction for her, u can only offer support, to be there when things are bad and try to keep life on a normal keel as posible

keep posting hon

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Thanks Bluidkiti.

She does have an addiction but she's been clean for quite a while. I know that she has a difficult time letting anyone in on a deep emotional level. I like your suggestion for alanon.

Hi Jacki66!

I understand your feelings of frustration, confusion, and pain. Addiction does take over every aspect of their lives. They get up, fall, get up, and fall again - they have to be willing to pick themselves up again. We have to hope, believe, love, and support (sometimes this support is at a distance). This process is very difficult to watch, and sometimes they chose their addiction over all else.

My adult son is an addict and an alcoholic with bipolar disease. He has spent the majority of his life self-medicating with alcohol or drugs; when he has medications, he takes them for a while, levels out a little, then starts the process over. He is on parole for felony drug charges, he has violated his parole by continuing to drink and live on the streets. He is currently in a detox program for the homeless and poor, but his parole officer may be finding long term lockdown psychiatric care for his situation. I allowed him to stay with us for a while, he was working, and I truly believed that he was clean and sober - only to find out that he was drinking 1-2 pints of vodka a day. He has another drunk in him, but don't believe that he has another sober. Yet I hope and pray.

And the part about not letting you in......I'm there too. Currently my son and I are not in contact, his defense mechanism? But I have to let him have control, although it hurts, he knows that I love him.

Find support for yourself, you have to take care of you too - it's hard. As long as there is breath, there is hope. Keep posting!

~ Kay

See Jack, we're all listening to you & where as the experiences & lessons taught here are hard but very true in life, if you consider one or all of whats being said it will only help you to a better relationship in life if thats what your trying to find/accomplish & I'm hopeful you'll listen in particular to domestic & find someone you trust to help talk/guide you.

Take care of you.

April