I have been in an abusive relationship marriage as some of you know now for over 20 yrs.
The memories are as clear as if they just happened yesterday or hrs ago. beaten up and down by words that pierce the heart.
How to put it all in the past and just leave it there is so very hard. I want to move forward with my life I want to feel whole even though I don't ever remember a day I ever did. memories that will be with me always because they will not go away.
Emotional abuse for those of you who don't know is abuse that breaks you down inside and out. Feelings of worthlessness and no hope. There is hope now that i walked away from him. Putting all the pieces together is taking forever it seems.
Reality because of the awareness of all the abuse I lived with. Silent treatment ...Volatile outbursts...belittling...name calling... neglect... withers the soul till it almost vanishes in all the tears. Yelling at me in front of others.
Enabling him to do things that were painful ...hurt....disgusting..choking...forceful into my throat anywhere he could put IT!! GASPING for air SEXUAL abuse. Degrading. His internet addiction to porn made him use me in ways that made me detest any kind of intimacy with him. Expecting sex 3x a day or more.
Financial abuse ..making me quit my job where i felt some freedom. kept me from having friendships. Went through 2 bankruptcies because he could not handle the money .Cleaned out his childrens bank accounts.
No more it had to stop I had to end that cycle of abuse i was losing myself.
now I am here feeling alone but knowing that God must have a plan for my life... he allowed me to see and gave me the strength to stand up to the abuse. but now what? I am so alone.
What is my life meant to be?
Dear Sweet AG, your post had me holding my breath..... I know the same thing happens to you when you read another's experiences with this volatile, horrible, absolutely devastating kinds of abuse. You know "the secrets" and I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself by posting about it!
I know that there are people reading your post right now, and even though they haven't become a member yet, they are thinking, "wow, it isn't just me that went through that horror." and they are shedding tears right now because they just needed to be validated in their "secrets", and you did that for them. Who knows, maybe you just helped someone else, move one step closer to leaving!
AG, you've been such a great source of strength and kindness even though you've dealt with so much anxiety and depression because of what you've been through and are still going through. I am so glad to see you back.
Together we march onward trying to protect our children from these abusers. I do believe that we will achieve all that we are meant to and that we will get the justice we and our children deserve. I also believe that someday, the right person for you who will be a good man, will come along. Keep the faith my friend!!
Suzee
If I have helped at least one person feel understood..empowered them to walk away from the abuse made them feel less alone that would be a great thing.
The shame and the fear we carry because of the actions of someone who is supposed to love us is crippling.
No one has the right to control who we are and there comes a point where WE have to say enough is enough we need to find that strength inside to finally say NO more.
Its the awareness of knowing what it is ABUSE!!
Its the connecting with others that have been through similar situations that gives us strength we need to move away from it.
Im sure there are many woman/men who are in abusive situations as we speak and by sharing some parts of my story will help someone out there that would make me happy to give someone understanding and hope!
Love you Suzee you have been a great friend to me here and a huge support to others that are looking for someone to understand.
Sweet AG, I am absolutely CERTAIN that you have helped others! One thing I've realized is that there are alot more people coming here for support than are listed. I have come to learn that there are many, many guests coming here and reading and I am absolutely positive your story has helped them too!!
This morning I awoke with a new nightmare. :( It's an actual memory but it was a nightmare I hadn't had until today. My Mom was a wonderful, honest, humble simple woman who quietly loved everyone! She had many undiagnosed medical problems and long story short, she died in my arms as I rocked her and sang to her. About a year later, there had been one of the "episodes" occuring whereas screaming and threatening and belittling for several hours. I had been raped in this particular 9 hour attack and **** had actually gone downstairs, so I sat huddled at the end of our bed just trying to "disappear", while I hoped he would go drink a whole bunch of windsor and then leave me alone. Unfortunately that didn't happen. I'm not sure how long I was on the floor there, but he came back and starting taunting me saying things like, "what's the matter? Do you want your Mommy"? and "here's my phone, do you want to call your Mommy"? ...... then he'd laugh and laugh..... God it just cuts me to the core stilll..... I wonder if anyone can understand the abuse completely... I know you do and while I'm so **** sorry you too, endured horrible things, at least we can try to be here when someone new wonders if what's happening to them, really is abuse.
You've done a wonderful job helping others to know that YES, it is abuse, terrible, horrible abuse!
We WILL get through it all and we will stand on the moutain that is our new, honest, loving foundation and yell, We are good and worthwhile and lovable!!!" And our best day ever is going to be the day we truly, truly believe that!!!
Thanks I have questioned myself over and over was it abuse ...even though i know because I have been told that it is and was abuse by a professional.
Thats what we do as victims we question ourselves.
But i know that it was abuse..i never stood up to my ex ever i was to dependent on him ...my main goal was to always please him. Pleasing him enabled him to treat me the way he did.
I was always so afraid to set him off and make him angry at me ..I was walking on eggshells all the time.
We all were my kids and the dog also.
I couldn't let my kids continue to live in an environment like that...kids do learn by example . I did not want my daughter to make the mistakes I did by staying in an abusive relationship ...I want her to know that being treated that way is wrong is not Love and when it is time to get out .
i wanted my son to learn that abuse is wrong and that a man has no right to treat a woman like she is an object and control her.
It feels soo good to be connecting with you again.
Hi AG, it is awesome to have you back online again!! I think about when I first got here and how you gently reached out your hand because you recognized my feelings because you too, had been kicked around too. I think about my **** and I wonder if he will ever "get it", and right about the time I'm wondering that, he does something else that proves he's a piece of lying ****!! Whoops!! Did I say that out loud!!! hee hee hee
I've got a little over a week until I testify to the abuse in the court. I'm so scared but I WILL be doing it. I may not be able to look at him without shaking and getting nauseous, but I WILL be testifying completely. Someday he may realize that every time he makes me talk about it... I get stronger. He is confusing my fear with determination... and with determination, I will lead us out of this crippling hell. The 19th.... the 19th is when I take the stand for the first time, to testify to all the abuses we've endured.... I will be definately asking for prayers as the day draws nearer.
Gosh I hope I make you and others so proud on that day. I will do my very best to not let him turn me back into that woman cowering and begging him to stop. I have to stay focused and I have to remember that I am there, testifying for all of us who've endured this evil.
Thank you AG for coming back. This place wasn't the same without you!!
Suzee honestly i think you are the only one who has read this post. You are the only one Im talking to. Thanks so much for always looking for me here and being such a great friend. Thanks for helping me feel less alone.
OH AG, There are many, many people missing from the boards latey. It began a few weeks ago or maybe a month or so. I am praying that they come back soon. There are varying reasons for their absences and I do my best to keep in contact with them in hopes they will feel better soon and return as they are all such wonderful supporters so their absence is very noticable.
We'll hang in there and things will even out again, I hope!!!
AG always remember you've got alot of us reading YOUR posts & I know the hundreds you've helped along the way while rebuilding yourself too.
Suzee I agree alot have taken some much needed breaks I guess I'd like to think its because of all the great advice given out here that they were capable of thinking things through quicker :)
Love April
(my computer has been crapping out, time to replace but didnt want to spend the money yet).....:-(
Hi April!! I haven't talked to you in a while! I hope you are well! It is so strange because soooo many people, even me, have had problems with our computers lately too!! And there are some people who just literally just have "life" going 200mph so they haven't been able to be around!! Hopefully these poor people can be back soon because they are surely missed!! I feel bad because they are so much better with knowledge and advice as I am and I hope they can be back ASAP!! :)
I am new here and my heart goes out to you. You are helping more people than you will ever know. I feel alone too. I walked on eggshells my whole marriage and yet continued to love him.
Thank You!! Me too I continued to love him even though i was afraid of him and that hurts BUT I am educated on abuse now unlike before. I do not see my ex changing and going back would say its ok for him to continue to abuse me so I know there is NO turning back as hard as it is (and I am also still VERY AFRAID of him) Each passing day, month year goes by it slowly gets easier and it will for you too.
Im sure you and I have much in common and that there are many others here that you relate to.
Welcome to support groups Tracy I am here for you whenever you need me to be. Suzee and i connected on here months ago as well as April there is much meaning when they say there is strength in numbers. Its a good feeling to have someone understand the way we feel even though our stories are very different they are the same.
Like myself little by little your strength will grow.
What can I say? I have learned more in 3 days for all of you lovely women than I knew possible. I thank god for you and finding this site. I *** someday I am as brave as you AG.
I am finding new coping mechanisms and reaching out to friends is helping. I have my really bad days when the pain is overwhelming. In those cases it's natural for me to isolate myself, but I'm changing. If I cant find someone to talk to I turn on my music and take a long walk trying to concentrate on the present. My breathing or something positive in my life or new things I now have the opportunity to explore. Best to you!
dear lovely women, and men too who experience this domestic abuse and violence, there is life after and i am here to testify. i am 20 years out of mine and my abuser died last year. i have been made free for the last twenty years little by little and finally in his passing God rest his soul. but even before he died there was a process of relief from the abuse as i learned year by year to put a boundary of protection around myself and keep myself safe. i did it with the help of you all and my Higher Power God. i made it and never went back and you all will make it too and find the freedom and joy and happiness i have come to have in my own life. it is worth the fight, every battle, we are warriors and we can do it, for ourselves and our children. last night my daughter and one son and i sat and talked and we just normal family together and it was great! we have lost a lot, but there we were finally after all these years enjoying the normalacy of completely normal fun loving Christian home and family, God bless us all. your prayer warrior
AG,
I am so so sorry that you have had to experience this. I am very touched by your post. It brought me to tears. I may be young, but I have been through many of the same things that you have. It has opened my eyes to many things that I have never thought of. I know there are many people out there that have been through the same thing, but I have not been able to talk about the abuse (mentally, physically, and sexual) I have had a very hard time opening up to anyone at all. I have ruined some relationships. For the last year I have not wanted to even think about dating. I have even pushed some “friends” to where they are only there for me when they are bored or need to talk to someone. I am very thankful I found your post it will help me a lot as I go through all the hard times, flashbacks, and nightmares.
<3 Ellie