I am on the upward slope of all of this, but I still feel so gross in my skin and I feel guilty every day. My fiance always comments on how beautiful I look and how I look so much better than when we first met because he can no longer count my ribs through a t shirt. The thing is, I just don't feel beautiful. I feel like I have gotten fat and out of shape even though I am at the minimum healthy weight for my height. How do ya'll deal with the feelings of guilt after eating something? And how do ya'll adjust to the new body size that everyone loves, but that you wish weighed 20 lbs less?
Congratulations on doing so well in recovery. I went through the exact same thing with my boyfriend though. I didn't start out with an eating disorder when we started dating but while dating I developed one. When I was recovering (both times) I went through this stage. It is the most uncomfortable stage I think but it passes. Eventually through all the nutrition and eating healthy the fog is lifted off your eyes and ED no longer lies with the mirror. So youll start to see your true self in spurts and over time it will become more often (at least that is how it happened for me).
After eating something, I know its uncomfortable, but try to just distract yourself with anything to keep your mind off your body and what you just ate. A walk, watching a movie, going on the computer, drawing, anything you like to do. Maybe you can include your fiancée in these activities since he knows and understands what you are going through. But adjusting to your new size just takes time. You'll begin to trust your body slowly, your new size, and learn to eventually love it. It just takes time.
allee
Other ideas for distraction, before or after, but especially DURING, a meal:
-watch a movie
-listen to music
-read a newspaper or magazine
-play word games with your boyfriend–or whoever you’re with (for example, the alphabet game, the celebrity name game, contact, telling a story together one word at a time, or any other games you know) <–this one’s great for getting your mind off your meal!
-count whatever’s in the room (tiles, doors, windows, etc.)
-name out loud the color of everything you see
-spell out the names of everything you see
Of course there are plenty of others, but I hope those suggestions help.
I worked on "reprogramming" my head. I stopped looking at the skinny actresses and models in magazines and on TV. I started noticing all the airbrushing to make people look flawless and overly thin. I started questioning my "ideas" of beauty. Eventually it started to click once I had enough nutrition to think straight. Overly thin actresses and models looked sickly to me and weak. And women with breasts and hips started to look strong and sexy. In fact I still do that with myself. If I see a picture of an anorexic model,I think , "Must be a gay, male clothing designer who doesn't want the women modeling the clothes to look like a woman. Rather they want them to look like a pre-pubescent boy."
Don't be afraid to take up the space in the world that your body needs in order to exist. It is your right as a woman. Who says women should take up less space in order to be strong, powerful, and beautiful?
The distraction tips so far have been amazing!!!! They are truly helping big time and it makes it so much more bearable to sit down and eat a meal now. I know there will be times when they don't always work, but so far so good. This past weekend I ate two actual meals in one day and didn't even think twice afterwards. I can't remember the last time that has happened for me. Thank you so much for the suggestions.
So, I hate the fact that out of no where, I get the old thoughts in my head. I know what to do, and I know what is right and what is healthy for me, and then out of no where, I just get so guilty about having eaten today. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions and that I shouldn't eat for days because of the guilt I feel for having eaten a meal. I just don't understand how the day will be going great and then all of a sudden, it will hit me out of no where and just make me feel like I am crazy and trapped all over again.