Hello there everyone. How is your summer going? Hopefully you are all doing well.
I went to my psychiatrist last week and we discussed me taking more risks. Something that I find a little scary and not sure how well I will be at fullfilling that request. Anyone I also asked him how does one know when they are happy? What does it feel like?
I have thought about this question an awful lot during my lifetime. I have come to the conclusion that I have never really been happy. When I ponder this answer I am quite saddened. It is rather sad that I have never had any lasting happiness in my life. Of course there have been a few fleeting moments of happiness. The birth of my children for example gave me great happiness but it never lasted long.
Unfortunately I think that me ED has given me much happiness albeit distorted. I am contented or happy when I lose weight. I felt I was happy after I binged and purged because I felt some relief form the overwhelming anxiety. So what is it with me that I cannot find what I so desperately want.
My psychiatrist said a good beginning is to let go of all my guilt. I think okay, but how do I do that. I have no idea how to let go of something that has been a part of me since I can remember. Makes me think I will never find happiness.
I will continue to ponder this question of mine. I go back to see my shrink in August so maybe I can come up with something by then.
Again thank for the opportunity to vent.
My love and best wishes to you all.
Shana
Hey there Shana,
I am reading a book right now that might be helpful, it's called Life Without Ed, by Jenni Schaeffer. She talks about seeing your eating disorder as a separate part of yourself, she calls her's Ed. By doing this she was able to find the real Jenni, the one that could still be happy, and now is no longer influenced by what Ed wants her to do. Just a thought.
I can relate to your situation though. I would always get frustrated with my psychologist because as I said, If I knew how to be happy, don't you think I would be? I guess we have to make our own happiness, separate from "Ed." Of course this is much easier said then done!
I think Mallory is right on... I think before we can feel real happiness we have to have a good understanding of who we are, what we like, what we want out of life, etc. But those seemingly basic questions can be so buried in our EDs that it's hard to know ourselves as separate beings from Ed. So much of my ED, at least, was concerned with meeting everyone else's expectations. But in doing so, I lost sight of what *I* wanted... Like you, I don't think I've ever experienced lasting happiness. I've had great moments, too. ♥ Part of the trouble might be in how we're framing "happiness". Does it have to mean uncontainable joy? CAN that be constant? Or, might it be something softer? Something more like contentment? And of course, try as we might, we can not eliminate pain or fear or jealousy, or any of those other distasteful feelings, without which we might never appreciate the full peace of happiness. :)
Here's to getting to know ourselves, and accepting the warm ease of contentment that comes with such knowledge. ♥
Thank you for the response ladies. It funny you mentioned reading a book Mallory because my husband actually just got me one about improving self esteem. It is a small book meant to be a quicker read (if that is possible;) )than some longer workbooks on the subject. I just started it - so we will see.
As for the question about knowing what I "want", that could prove to be more difficult. My life has always been and, to some degree, continues to be about making sure everyone else has what they need and want. I have always put myself on the back burner. So, now that I am asked to figure out what exactly I want, I actually find it very hard to come up with an answer. I suppose this is a very good place for me to start reflecting.
Is it just me or do many of you feel like you have no energy to do this work??? It seems like it is never ending. I find I get sooooo tired of it all that I just want to forget and hide under a rock so to speak.
Anyway, thank you for your words of wisdom again ladies. Warm wishes to all of you.
Love Shana
Hello, ever wonder what you would be like should you discover, who you are today really isn't your true identity? There are a number of things I can share with you to prove you are not who you should be in life.
Lets take one step at a time. For years people believed the things they did were traits passed on to their from their parents. Lets change traits to habits. As a child you observed your parents do everything. Just like animals do in the wild.
The problem with doing what your parents did is that their habits work for them, the things you do, don't work with your true identity. Which is the reason you are having trouble.
Which is the reason millions of people have problems in their life. Imagine growing up on an island by yourself, you would stay true to who you are, unchanged by people, tv, radio, friends and your parents.
So, how do you find out who you really are? How do you find your true identity? Once, you find your true identity, everything from the past will be gone.
It took me almost a year to find my true identity, once I rewrote my values to replace the old ones. Everybody around me liked me even more. I was able to find a peace of mind.
Think about this for a while. You can start a fresh new life by undoing the things you did while going through adolescents, this is a cross over to reaching childhood, I mean the first few years.
Psychologist can't explain how I was able to make so much progress.
Please, read my profile. Take care