My husband had his affairs, I think everything is in the open now. We have gone through counselling and we do talk more. I know we both had our issues and allowed our marriage to breakdown. Now we are supposed to be on the road to recovery and rebuilding but when does the trust return? There was a time when I thought so much of my husband I would defend him in anything but now I don't feel that way. I think differently of him, not badly of him just differently. I guess I don't love him the way I used to and I wonder if that will ever change
Time and your husband telling the truth will help you to trust him again.
Sometimes you end up being closer after something like this. Give it time if you are like me you still have moments of anger.
I dont feel anyone really has that answer as we're all different & it takes as long as it takes to find comfort again & some peace of mind along the way while finding answers for yourself. I have seen where couples have pulled through this after a long time frame & sometimes find a better understanding of eachothers emotional & physical needs & where it went into a ditch to be capable of getting it somewhat back on track. All I can offer friend is give yourself much needed time & focus on yourself for finding more answers if necessary as usually they can lie in ones past history.
Is wonderful you both have talked through the issues & the cards are on the table & he'll have to continue being transparent & keep communication open & clear w/you unless & until you feel better.
Keep talking friend, we're listening to you & Welcome to SupportGroups.com
All my strengths.
April
hello,
Trust is earned for sure and when it's taken away it takes a long long time to get it back. Doing the things he used to do before the affairs is a start.
I guess to me saying something will be done by a certain time is a start. It builds consisantcy. So if something is supposed to be done by 5 and it is will start the process. Like getting off at 5 and being home every day unless he tells you he's got a business meeting or a job has to be done so i'll be home by 7. Little things, sad to say there is no blue print for trust.
But as i said being consistant is a start.
And of course you feel different, the trust has been ripped away. It may heal up and it may not. If it does heal it's going to take a lot of work on his part. If it doesn't heal up the way it was he has to work even harder.
sorry no good solutions, just remember what he did wasn't your fault.
Thank you for all the good thoughts. Communication is key to building that trust I know and it is alien to him, although he is trying. It's when out of the blue, such as last week, when someone he had an affair with for 8years on and off leaves him a message to say hi. That's when all the doubt comes back. He didn't say anything to me, I found the skype notification and confronted him. He had apparently blocked her, not returned her call and conacted our therapist to tell her. I know he did the right thing and he couldn't help her calling him but I wish he had said something to me and not been concerned about bringing the memories back. I did call her and asked her to stay away and have no contact. Her response was "I didn't think it would be a problem". That was mind blowing! Any ideas on how I can get him to not be concerned about telling me stuff, even negative stuff. I dont yell and scream, I think I am very practical.
Sometimes one doesnt need to know everything for that can leave a scar for life (I'm a witness to that) but if you feel you can shoulder that while you guys work through this then just keep being available/supportive & he may eventually open up a bit more as you go through this but word to the wise sometimes a partner starts feeling like the other is parenting them instead of being supportive, respectful, loving, compassionate & becomes resentful so is usually best to leave it to the professionals & talk one on one to the therapist to help guide.
Sue,
I get what you are saying, some times by not telling you things it can seem like a lie. It makes the trusting even harder. You should bring it up in counseling.
I can't believe that the women said she didn't think it would be a problem. Sometimes I really makes you wonder if any one has values and morals.
I also understand what the phone call did to you. Sometimes you feel like you are healing and then something happens and it brings all the hurt back to the surface.
Tina
Sue you are absolutely right, you tell him there are to be no more secrets.
That's the only way, he should have told you about the call even though he didn't react to it.
I said this was a real tough one, but no more secrets put your foot down.
And since it seems you guys are doing therapy bring it up again even though he said he called.
And **** it tell him how much that hurt, he has to be honest with you.
Courage you have it, most women would have kicked his *** out of the house. honesty is the most important right now.
Again i have to say you have courage and all sorts of good things to still be there
Listening
Me
Thank you for all your support. I am new to this and it was actually my therapist who suggested that I joing a support group a while back. It was mainly to allow me to see that I am not the only one and people have been through sinilar or worse situations. I have been married for 27 years, the first 17 were pretty good. We just got so involved in our own lives, me with work and my daughters and him with his job and his friends. We know we forgot each other and we each share a part of the blame although he crossed a line that should not have been crossed and that is on him. Your comments are more supportive that I expected and I that you for that. They help to keep me grounded.
Thanks so much