How have i ended up here?

First time doing anything online like this... so much pain, loneliness, denial, isolation, emptiness, one diagnosis after another, self destruction, addiction, anger- on and on... Deep, all encompassing depression, anxiety, ocd, picking, shame, exhaustion! All started when I was a little girl & I always believed somehow it was just a phase- something I could eventually talk myself out of despite seeing the ruin & pain from mental illness in everyone on my dads side of the family. Yet, now 20+ yrs later I look at my life- my potential compared to the reality of self-imposed isolation, on ssi & basically a chaotic mental wreck- a pretty face covered in cuts & scars from yrs of hand-bloodying picking that consume many hours of each day, a thinker- passionate about so many issues facing our world, a humanitarian & wildlife rehabber, well traveled, multi-lingual & really so interested at my core in all that life is, WHO & WHAT we really are as human beings, deeply spiritual and born with the unwavering belief that my life work is to serve those less fortunate than I- of all life forms( though mainly animals- domestic & wild....). I have a beautiful little boy,supportive husband & family, bachelors degree (god only knows how I ACTUALLY managed to complete it though, it took 8 yrs!), potential opportunity to be employed in service work & as head rehabber in a wildlife hospital (urgent care) & have 5 beautiful rescue dogs & 2 kittys, tortoises & chickens- the most loyal, understanding friends & companions I could ever dream of.... Yet, its as though I'm under a spell of ambivalence. Intellectually I can look in from the outside & see the beauty of it all as well as the chaos & dysfunction of a life not TRULY LIVED! But, that's just it! I can see it but am unable to ACT. I look at who I have become, at the emptiness that consumes each cell of my being & I can't bear to think that this is all my life will add up to, that I am unable to function due to a genetic mistake in my mis-wired brain. I've tried every med I know of in hopes of somehow trlcking the hand of fate. I've tried therapy after therapy- both conventional & those at the other end of the spectrum-yet the most that seems to happen are only brief glimpses into the life I long to lead. How has it come to this? I've held on for so long to the hope that I somehow would overcome, yet now I stand alone, filled with shame, covered in scars (visible & hidden deep within) & face for the 2st time the possibility that my hope may only have served me by keeping me alive. Yet, though I may eat, sleep, breathe & even feign a laugh during rare social encounters- this does not constitute LIVING! To live with no dreams, no hope, no joy, apathetic in thought AND action is what scares me the most! The fact that ultimately I am somehow locked away inside this motionless vessel & that in tearing at my skin, seeing & tasting my own blood is the only thing that tells me I AM alive in a way that nothing else can makes me wonder if I've been wrong to ever have hope at all.

Hello there! Thank you so much for being here and for sharing with us. You write so beautifully and so eloquently. You have so much wonderful emotion. And, you obviously have so much to give back. May I ask what is holding you back? I understand your diagnoses, but you mentioned that you are isolated; why is this? As well, do you have friends and family nearby? Do you work?

Please only answer the questions if you feel comfortable doing so. I just want you to know that you are not alone, we are here to help support you in any way that we can.

CS, wow!!! thats my main thought on your story. one, for seeing such an amazing person in you and someone i totally admire for everything you do (i too wanna work with and help animals, it's my absolute dream) and two, for uttering my own emotions and fears so vividly! i wonder also if i may have to live with all this, because it simply is me, because there is no other way of existence for me. and you are right, even though there are those rare moments of joy, where everything almost seems ok, but they are always destroyed or at least stained by the fact that they seem fake and are not the reality of what's actually inside.

but i do think there is HOPE and LIFE and JOY for you because of the things you already have! somehow i feel though even that is spoilt by your childhood memories and 'genes' that you feel you cannot do anything about? would you want to tell more about your family background?


Hi Constant Shades, just checking in to see how you're doing today? We are here for you.