I just feel like getting alot of my chest today and I feel comfortable enough to do it here because I have a great support system!!
Tonight im going to dinner with my dad, four sisters (i've only met three but i have 5 sisters), ones boyfriend, and my boyfriend. Im so excited and I want to start getting ready now but its 9 a.m and dinner isn't till 7:30 p.m. Im kind of nervous though, theres alot they don't know about me because 3 of my sisters and my dad haven't been in my life until recently. I used to cut myself and still struggle with it everyday, the last time i cut was probably 2-3 months ago. What if they ask about my scars? What do I say?
What if my sisters and I have nothing in common, we all talk on the phone and text and get along great but were so different. Two of them are mentally retarded and I dont know how to treat them, one is 30 and one is 17. The other one is not and she grew up not knowing her dad either. So me and her have alot in common but i dont know how much we actually do. I know we both have had difficult childhoods. My father has been clean for 3 years which is why he hasn't been in my life until now. I was raped when i was 8 years old at the local pool. I never want them to know that. I hate it when people know that because they treat me wierd. However, lately i can't seem to get that off my mind. I've been thinking about it alot lately and been having nightmares about it in which i wake up screaming " dont touch me " or something along those lines. I guess this would be why i kind of went through a primiscuous stage in high school, that and not having a father for almost my entire life. Thats what they tell me anyway.
My dad and three of my sisters know about my panic disorder/anxiety/agoraphobia, schizoaffective disorder and bipolar and PTSD. Im worried that they'll just think im crazy. I just feel like laying around all day. I guess im just kind of having a depressive day.
I guess this is all I had to say, just wanted to get some stuff off my chest. Feedbacks welcome! Sorry if some of this is TMI i just needed to vent, and like i said before, i tend to use this website kind of like a diary. Thanks for reading!!
i can completely understand about the scars. Someone at school just bluntly asked "what happend to your arms?" i was like...uhhh. As far as the other stuff goes..breathe...try to stay positive. you can get through this. Try not to let this depressive mood ruin your day. I'll be thinking about you :) sending lots of happy vibes your way. Sorry. this probably doesn't help. Just wanted to let you know i care.
AMm1488.....hi there....you do have to stay positive....I like this support group online b/c you can express how u r feeling. Have you ever tired running? I used to be on meds for severe postpartum depression, ended up in a psych ward for trying to knock myself off....only 5 days I remember being completely sober.
However, my postpartum faded and now, I'm med free....I am an alcoholic and I will go sober one of these days....
I asked about running, b/c exercise is almost a natural drug. I run 3 miles a day now just to calm me down and release stress....It has also helped me slow down in drinking.
As for people thinking you are crazy, I was there, but I am 1000000 times better today. I did not choose to tell my family everything, however I did tell my husband everything. People do not really 'understand' what you are going thru and how you feel, so I picked one person I can trust to confide in. He still to this day does not 'understand the why's' he does however give me understanding. Now, we just have to get over the alcohol. yay. You are still young and I hope you find a good direction in life, you can do it.
If you do not want to tell family, then dont. But dont hold everything in to where you will cut yourself or jump on drugs. Try running. and stay up on your posts. It helps.
Sounds like you are dealing with everything in your life the best you know how! I know it may not seem like it today, but HOW PROUD I am of your efforts to stop cutting. I do not know you, and maybe things are worse than they seem, but the fact that you can share with us is so wonderful.
I will be thinking of you as you learn about your family members in a new way. I hope everything goes just beautifully. Nothing and no one is perfect, and if they all love you, they can handle who and what you are. You will do the same for them, I am sure. You sound like a kind and loving person.
Amm, relax sweetie. Be as open and honest about things as you feel comfortable. If someone puts you on the spot with prying questions, try to change the subject or simply tell that person you don't feel comfortable answering.
I am sorry you are having a tough time right now. I feel like you do about venting and clearing the air on this website. Good luck on the dinner date. Let me know how it goes. I am here for you even though we don't know each other. This is my support group because I have none at home. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with yours.
Thanks everyone!!! Your support is great and I really appreciate it!! The dinner date went great my dad and all my sisters told me they love me which felt amazing, definately made my day a million times better and then I read all the feedback on this post and it just gets better!! Thanks all!! I really appreciate it!!!
I did the same thing the other day Dizz. Kept clicking the send button when it wasn’t responding.
The people here are great but the site itself gets a little flaky some times. After being a computer systems administrator for a few years at one of my previous jobs. It appears that they need more band width and a bigger more reliable server.
Hey AMM,
Sori about your past, with your childhood. And i am so glad to hear that you got on well with your family. Have the nightmares subsided since meeting them.
Maybe all that stress building was causing it, not that you could ever forget a traumatic event like that.
Are you in therapy hun for the cutting. i went through that before and I know how difficult it is and how in my case it was just a way of realising the anger and pain I was feeling. So i hope you are talking it out with a professional.
And ya being here is great, everyone is so understanding, it's great to have a safe place to chat, and to realise, wow I'm not so abnormal.
Moongal-
Thanks for your comment! I haven't had a nightmare in about a week so thats good, but im not seeing anyone about the cutting, i thought about talking to my psychiatrist about it, its a hard thing to overcome once you start it. My last psychiatrist asked why I cut myself and I told her it just felt like a release of pain, just like you said. But i haven't really felt the need to cut since i've met my biological dad, I think thats where alot of my pain has came from. There are still times where I think about things that make me want to cut though.
Dizz- Yeah I guess I am pretty thankful but idk what happened with that comment, I dont know why it got submitted 5 times and I dont know how to delete it lol
I don’t really know about cutting first hand.
But I used to listen to a young lady in meetings
at the anxiety resource center who knew all about it.
She even had a really cool custom leather wrist band.
so people wouldn’t bug her about it.
very smart charming girl. She’ll get eventually cuz SHE want’s it.
I’ve scraped welts on my wrist with the back of a knife hoping to leave scars. Although it never did. I had no intention of actually cutting. I just wanted someone to notice… A silent cry for help in my case.
Don’t worry about other people so much.
Try doing nice things for Amanda, maybe once or twice a day if nothing else, take a minute and remind her about just (her). and all the good things about her. <No buts, or except for, or he said, or she did, or any of that>. Just think about Amanda How great it feels when you really like her and have fun with her. She needs as much acceptance Love and understanding as you can give her. And it will really help allot if it’s real, honest and it comes from you.
Think about it: I didn’t mix anything up I said it just the way I intended to.
I guess you're not a christian so what I suggest might not be comfortable for you, but there are alternatives. I mean, I often have anxiety issues too, and what I do is to prepare myself by reading out loud psalms from the bible. I just open the book, search for a psalm that appeals (there are over 100 in the bible) and recite it. Somehow this always calms me and I get this feeling of care and love. If I do that for a while a warm feeling wells up in me which seems like new strength, and with this strength then I can go out and do some stuff. I still can't stay out for longer than some hours and when I get back home I am always thankful, but it does help making me stronger for such events. If you don't like psalms, maybe you could read out loud soothing poetry or lyrics? Some of the fear and desperation psalms might not be so good, but there are pilgrimage songs in it which are short and sweet. Might want to try it. All the best and God bless, Amm! Jesus loves you!
Canis_Major- I am a christian. I believe in God and I love God. What on earth would make you think that Im not a Christian?... I do not go to church and I dont read the bible but that doesn't mean that I have faith.
Oh sorry Amanda, I guess I made a mistake. I'm just very used to finding many non-christians on "secular" websites. I know many atheists turn to psychology when they have mental issues. Again, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any harm. All the best and God bless!
Hey Amanda,
You said that you have scars, are they where everyone can see? And how do you cope with that?? I posted something about this a few days back but no one responded. I have like 15 keloid scars on both of my arms and I am so embarrased by them. I can't wear short sleeves or tank tops anymore. Some people have seen them and have freaked out. People are starting to pull away from me because they think I'm weird. (I know this because a lovely drunk person told me) I just am struggling to deal with them and the situation. I feel like they are a daily reminder of my pain and I hate it. Do you have any suggestions?!?!
Hey Megan,
I am sorry to hear of your scars. I also have scars on my arms too, at first I found it very difficult it to deal with them and used to wear long sleeve shirts all the time. Hunny you are not "weird" you are trying to deal with painful issues.
Have you spoken to any of your friends about this and what's going on? The person who said that to you, doesn't know what they are talking about, and although I'm sure they didn't mean offense by it, they should have kept their nose out of it.
Are you still cutting hun? I have not cut in 4 years, i do not pay attention to my scars anymore, to me there are something I battled and got through...you should not feel bad about yourself hun.
Are you seeing a therapist for this though hun? It really is important you take care of yourself hun and not let others make you feel bad for the pain you are going through.
Try to find a true friend you can talk with honestly and confidentially about this and keep talking here hun.
Thanks moongal,
I appreciate your kind words. The last time I cut was while I was in a drunken stupor a week and a half ago. I don't even remember it. I haven't since, recently while sober I do really well with not cutting. I'm so ashamed of my scars that I can't bring myself to do it anymore (which I guess is a good thing). I am seeing a counselor right now for depression, anxiety, and alcohol abuse. But I have been seeing her for 2 years and my cutting hasn't really stopped. I think this is just something I have to defeat on my own. I just wish I could take away the shame associated with scars. I don't feel like a freak until people tell me I am. Then I just get so self conscious about it. It's great that you haven't in 4 years. Congratulations, that is so wonderful. I hope to be like you someday!!
