For most of my married lives I did not believe in being faithful. I didn't care who I hurt, whose marriage I destroyed, or if I have any unknown children. I was selfish and self-centered. I am also a recovering alcoholic who just celebrated my 30th year of sobriety. While drinking I went through three marriages and divorces in a 10 year period. I was in and out of psych wards. I am sure you get the idea. When I got sober I met this beautiful woman who saved my life. However, I cheated on her from the begining. This has gone on for most of our married lives. Then one day she found out. She had to be heavily seadated. She remembers nothing for three days. Then I admitted her to a psych ward. I cheated on her while she was in the hopsital! Just little over four years ago I started working with a Christian counselor. With his help I surrenedered and asked the Holy Spirit to enter my life. Ever since I am making major strides. However, my wife will not believe that I changed. She refuses to see the changes that other people do. We are living like roommates with the 'occasinal benefit' We sleep in seperate beds in seperate bedrooms. When we talk she wont talk feelings or emotions. I have asked her to foregive me many times. She claims she has but nothing has changed. I want our marriage to work. But I know I can not do it alone. My question is; how long must I pay the consequences of my actions?
At least your aware of what you created & your issues within & the impact it had on your loved ones that surround you, I admire you for your post. The answer IS: It takes as long as it TOOK to run the marriage into the ditch, sometimes longer & it really depends on the two parties willingness to get it back on track.
From reading your other posts, I dont sense your there yet & you want HER to just "get over it" maybe & TRUST you again while your still contemplating WHO your gonna DO/hook-up with next, so thats not helping the situation, it doesnt work that way, it would be simple but still doesnt work that way. You can get mad at me I can take it. I'd like to gather your wife up & let her know SHES not alone & am sure you will receive alot of replies in different areas here, I'm hopeful you will stay with us & continue talking/venting/sharing so others will read & learn.
Take care of you.
April
why is it so important she has to forgive u and make things right?
surely u should be doing everything in your power to show that forgiveness although required is not needed on this journey of self discovery.
and just cos u found faith and can see the error of your ways isnt enough of a foundation to sleep or resume marriage again is it?
did u even consider her in your past behaviour so why are u amazed she isnt considering u now?
to be honest if i was her u would have got more than a seperate room it would be the frying pan over the noggin but then im not a redhead for nothing
bottom line i love the fact u are trying to make restitution but it will take as long as it does and its all up to u to not slip or fall by the wayside
loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)
As always well done D.
Bill, I understand this isnt what you want to hear & I'll bet its what your WIFE IS thinking. We say this because we care & hope YOU care enough for your relationship to hear us out.
I have to say, I'm in a similar position, but he is only my boyfriend of two years. This doesn't change the fact that a "lie" is "A LIE!" My boyfriend has lied to me so much, in only the past two years, that went he speaks, all I hear is "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!" Even when he's telling me about his day at work, I DON'T believe what is is SAYING. As a person, not just a women, when I stop hearing and(or) listening to someone, I start to not only ignore, but avoid that person. This is for anyone I may incounter in life that LIES to me. It's just something I am strongly against because of the pain it has cause me in my life. The time I have waste on someone whowas fake, unreal to me. I have to go back in time and replay the incident in my mind and put the truth in(if I find it out), realizing it changes the whole way I see the situation. You can change the 6 months time it took to find out about the lie. If the lie would not had been told and the truth said, it could have made the future (those 6 months of not knowing) different for the person that was lied to.
I understand you are trying to change and fix things, but you can't get back time. Once lies are told, they seem to become part truth. I believe some people don't see it that way, but if you think about it...
Good luck with the healing process and making some wrongs, right.
Very true Liar2me & well said. Usually people cant remember the lies. When its found out, it like going all the way back & it stirs up any conflicting memories of the past etc, etc....