How much regret can one person hold in their heart?

To say I'm hating myself over hurting people that I love is a HUGE under statement. I worked my *** off to get where I once was but I've somehow managed to slip and in the process of slipping I've acted like a total ***hole to those that mean the most to me. Why now? Why did I have to slip now? Why did I have to slip at all? I feel like I've failed many people and that kills me inside. I was in the bathroom about 20 minutes ago and kept the light off because I didn't even want to see myself out of the corner of my eye in the mirror. If I'm this disgusted with myself I can sure understand how others are disgusted with me. I walked out with tears steadily falling. My mom asked was wrong and I could barely put a sentence together. She ***ured me I'm a wonderful person, the best daughter, I have a really good and big heart, and gave me a hug. It was comforting especially since she's not a lovey dovey type. It still hurts to be where I am. I realize it could be far worse so I'm grateful to have not fallen so far back it's going to take years to pull myself back up. One day at a time is really all I can do moving forward. Someday I hope to forgive myself as others have forgiven me.

hey d answer to your question.....alot! i've been dealing with that over the past year (different circumstances) sure wish i belonged to this site at the onset. your doing what you can. your outpatient treatment will hopefully get ya jump started and we get the pleasure of your company as we work thru our pain. regret/guilt unattended becomes a deadly cancer for me.

my friend you are asking all the wrong questions. Why you slipped is not important. What did you learn from it and what do you need to do different. Guilt and remorse serves no purpose. You have been building a house (your life) with dynamite and a blow torch trying to figure out why it keeps blowing up. You need new tools. This recovery thing is trial and error. You are living your way into a new way of thinking. None of us does this thing perfectly. Just don;t give up 5 seconds before the miracle. So you stumbled, what matters is you keep getting back up. Beating yourself up accomplishes NOTHING except set you up for another slip.

I'm so glad I gave this site a chance. I really have had a lot of positive non judgemental feedback. At first I thought no way am I going to pour my soul out to strangers but so far its been worth trying something new. In time I'll learn to forgive myself. I spoke to my best friend today annd boy did we have one hell of a cryfest! It was heart warming having her be so supportive even after some of my binge drinking lash outs. Thru it all she's never once doubted me. I've hurt her as well but she's never left our friendship. She told me today she loves me very much and how much she believes in me. When she said "the bj I've known for so many years is a true gift to those lucky enough to be in her presence" I cried like a baby.

now how about that! we can walk in a room and zero in on the one person that does''nt care for us for what ever reason and obsess on that person and how too get them to like us backflips and all. again waste of time and energy. i'm so pleased you've found this place and all of us on the journey of life big d gf and the infamous high 5!