How should one be raised on sexuality?

Hello, everyone. I’m here to ask a question: how should parents teach their children regarding sexuality? I was raised in a divorced family where I lived with my other, who never bothered to teach me a thing, and on a weekly basis visited my father, who also never bothered to teach me a thing either. If they had used their heads, I wouldn’t be on this site.
Instead, I relied on culture and media like television to basically teach me porn was always okay, hypersexuality is actually normal.
My therapist abhors pornography; when I asked him why I should feel so immensely guilty for relapsing into porn (especially when my perception was that most people and most men do porn at some point) he became offended and believed I was asking for an excuse to do as much porn as I could without it becoming a problem. I didn’t have anyone to teach me porn was dangerous, so now I’m an adult and still have a damn hard time figuring out it is a bad idea to do pornography.

1 Heart

We are confused, do you feel you are addicted to pornography or does your therapist make you feel that way because they don’t feel porn is okay? -SG

I have beyond a reasonable doubt been addicted to pornography as well as sexual fantasies. I do think porn has the power to lure me back into addiction even when there is an availability of “less” addictive porn. While doing pornography, I have been confused why briefly relapsing cannot be managed in a healthy way or in a pragmatic guiltless; most people do pornography at some point in their lives. Granted, just as alcoholics and drug addicts try not to fall back into their addictions for the rest of their lives, I suppose porn/sex addicts are similar.

I would talk more about my condition but it is fairly private. My therapist does not necessarily have the best ethos on the issue of sexuality as he is in his 70s, twice married, has seen more than most the effects of porn and bad habits, which may give him some useful experience on the subject, and occasionally uses Bible verses. The organization is somewhat faith based and a quick perusal of its website shows a lot of customer praise invoking biblical language. He also talks disparagingly of the idea of “sex, drugs, and rock & roll,”; the impression it sometimes gives me is that his bad experience with sex has made him firmly against sexual activity. He became angry and argued when I said I wanted to have sex before marriage, even when I emphasized I was going to use protection and did not necessarily want a hypersexual lifestyle. I grew up in a culture when a person’s sexuality and orientation were wonderful things to be explored and we (society) emerged from a previously sexually repressive culture.

I can say it is probably for the best I stay out of pornography and, at the moment, out of sexuality and romantic relationships. If you have answers, I would appreciate hearing them.

Thank you for listening.

Our worry is that you are seeing a religious therapist, but you didn’t say if that is because you yourself is religious. Sex before marriage isn’t evil, porn isn’t evil, but like food or shopping, it can become addictive. So if you feel you are addicted to porn and wish to avoid it for addiction reasons, that is fine, seeing it as bad or evil isn’t. We have to see our addictions as triggers for ourselves, not inherently evil. Our suggestion is to just look at seeing a new therapist or even a therapist in addition to the one you see. Learning to be a sexual individual shouldn’t be looked down up, it should be something to work through in therapy while working through your addictions and how your upbringing affected your thoughts on sex and relationships. -SG

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Thank you. I do not subscribe to any religion in particular and do not seek religious-based counseling personally. I have confronted him from time-to-time when he begins talking about God or faith or the Bible; he responds by saying he is focusing on spirituality, not religion. He has said he does not attend church and may not even officially have a religion. That has not stopped him for criticizing me when I said I was spiritual and placed my faith in the “cosmic” force of the universe rather than a being. The time he used a Bible verse was because we were talking about the idea that lust can have bad consequences; he began talking about “sins of the flesh” or something like that.

That makes us uncomfortable, we would highly recommended, again, seeking out another therapist, just to even test the waters and see how they respond. Lust, love, sex, again, it isn’t evil, it is just part of sexual desire and in a healthy relationship, not marriage or even dating per se, but a consensual relationship, it is healthy and fine. Learning how to be in such a relationship is a great goal. -SG

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Thank you for your feedback. Due to the seriousness of my condition, I have felt dependent on this singular therapist for help at this critical time and have not been completely aware of whether his behavior was completely normal.
To be clear, the more serious aspects of my condition cannot likely be solved by dating or being in a happy relationship by itself. I may see what another therapist thinks of my record. Thanks again.

We just feel strongly that people in therapy shouldn’t be guided by anything biblical unless they specifically request it. We are so proud of your strength, please keep letting us know how you are doing. All the best-SG

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