i'm going into an intensive 5 day/week outpatient program next week for my ED/body dysmorphia starting next week. well, i've definitely put on some pounds since my last restrict/bp cycle and the clinician said it could be b/c i just started to get my period again and my body is holding on to water weight.
anyways, as i was leaving my house today, a neighbor approached me and said, "hey, you're looking a LOT better these days." i asked him what he meant and he said, "looks like you've put on some weight and you're not looking so anorexic!" i immediately got in my car, and told him i didn't want to talk about it. he kept going on about how it was a good thing, how i looked more "full" (yes, i know my boobs are much bigger now!!! ugh!!), that the yoga must be the cause, etc.
i know he meant well and doesn't know about my disorder, but this literally sent me SPIRALLING!! i'm so upset and have been all night and it's making me realize i don't know how i'm going to handle more of these comments as i recover within the next several weeks. this, i know, will be one of the biggest challenges of recovery....comments and concerning myself over what people will think of me.
any advice? comments? suggestions???
Yes! I've soooooooooo been there! Unfortunately, many who do not know EXACTLY what we're going through (particularly during recovery), who do not speak our disorder language will unintentionally set off a trigger. It's bad enough that our clothes remind of us of our uncomfortable journey through recovery. The last thing we need is to hear other people point out what we're really having trouble accepting. Believe it or not, this is good AND bad.
As hard as it is to hear the "triggers" you must remind yourself that your perception of you is totally different from what everyone else sees of you. I know you know this intellectually.
You must NOT internalize what they're saying as a bad thing. You must start to believe that what they're saying is the truth. You must believe that. There is no other way to get around this. Hear what they say, tell them you cannot discuss your recovery and if need be tell them to NOT talk to you about it. Walk away, cry it out if need be and let it roll off your shoulders. Do not let the comments consume you. Do not let ED and BDD back in. They are NOT your friends.
This is part of recovery...part of introducing back into the world. One day at a time. One step at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time.
Your disorder has kept you under a false sense of security, safety and protection. ED and BDD has also made you a prisoner way too long. Now it's time to let go, break the cycle and free yourself from the warped perception of self you have built of yourself.
Are you saying affirmations?
Recovery is not easy. If it was everyone would be recovered.
One breath at a time.
PEC....I agree with InProgress...please remember that people who make those type of comments either are very disrespectful (as your neighbor sounds he is), or they simply don't know enough to think before speaking. I guess you could think in terms of who the people are who matter in your life, and who you know is not going to be important in your life, and focus on trying to reframe what they say. For the most part, people mean well, they just don't know how strong certain words or comments can be. As you become stronger in your sense of health and recovery, I believe that you will not be triggered or agitated as much by those comments. But the bottom line....people don't get it, and they don't have to. You just have to move on and keep doing what is important for YOU! Take care..Jan ♥
been there,..still there putting up with comments.YES they are very upsetting I have had a hard time myself dealing with others comments.
Other people don't understand!!!And it is very upsetting!
AG
thank you all so much for the support! inprogress and jan, you're so right, this **** ED has kept me in a false sense of security for too long. the ironic thing is, when i look back and when it was at its worst (well, what the hell that means, i don't know?? it's always a destructive disease no matter what the level!!!), the people i dated and all of the "positive" comments about my body/weight were mainly from people that i don't WANT in my world anyway!! when i talked to my therapist about it, i once admitted, "where has this ED gotten me? not only has it effected my mental health and well-being, it's brought me nothing but dating a bunch of shallow assholes and amongst friends who don't really care about ME as a person!" i mean really, the only person its damaged is ME, on ALL fronts.
okay, its been 30 years of this struggle, on one level or another, and i've tried it all. this last bout, of being super skinny for the past 9 years or so, i've TRIED, i did it, i liked the comments, they fed my disorder....but so WHAT?? the "positive" comments do NOT outweigh all of the bad and destruction and chaos and misery that it took to be at those low weights.
okay, white flag is up. i surrender. bring on the comments....they're bound to come. and jan, i'm hoping you're right, at some point, they'll just fal off me like water off a duck's butt. to hell with anyone but MYSELF right now.
(sorry, posted last one twice)
PEC,
Like you, I've battled my disorder for 20+ years and probably longer if I dig far enough. ED and BDD has been in my life for sooo many years it's nearly impossible to live one day without some form of trigger.
Everything/everyone in your life has known you as "the skinny girl," "the one with the banging bod", etc.... your disorder. Everyone identified you as y.o.u.r d.i.s.o.r.d.e.r...this is a false sense of who you are. You are not your body. You are the girl who looks at picture from her past and wonder "where the heck is THAT happy girl I used to know." Believe me, she is in there.
A major part of recovery is re-learning everything you thought you knew about food, your body and behavior. It's training yourself to "pause" and rethink.
Dealing with my triggers is two fold because EVERYONE in my rolodex identifies me as my disorder. On my vulnerable days I stay in, I don't take calls and I stay offline (esp fb!). If I can't avoid it, I put on my NEW body of positive armor (whether I believe it or not) and head on out. Literally, I take the bullets as they come. I embrace the parts of the conversation I like and I filter out the rest. When I walk away, I walk away and leave everything there. I do not hoard the conversation. I do not allow the comments to consume my thoughts. I get back on track. Sometimes I have to cry it out in private. Once I'm done, I'm done. I leave my tears and my thoughts on the tissue and I throw the tissue away. This is a step by step process. The more you do it, the easier it gets. Trust me.
inprogress, how long have you been in recovery? since i've known i'm going into this OP program, i've been incredibly depressed, scared and unmotivated to do ANYTHING but fixate on my ED and researching all things ED related. i LOVE what you said about leaving conversations and tears on the tissues behind. what great analogies. i have GOT to learn to be able to put on my suit of armor, as well, and leave comments at the door.
you're right, FB is a HUGE trigger, especially for me (i built a business basically on it, and my appearance, as a singles club organizer, has become very important....but its something that i'm willing to give up b/c its become destructive to me and fed my ED to all new levels!). i recently heard on the radio that they did a survey and young women who are on facebook are far more likely to have an eating disorder than those who are not. i've been avoiding lately as much as possible because it makes me upset to see photos on there of when i was really skinny and wondering how i'm going to handle new photos when i won't be. hell, i'm thinking of getting off the **** site altogether as it is, while i recover. i need to take a major time-out from life for a bit!
having struggled with this **** thing for so long, i have NO idea how to go about being HAPPY at a higher weight. i'm so afraid once i start putting it on, i won't stop, and then i'll be just as miserable as i am now, so i might as well stay skinny?? but then i see ALL of the unhappiness and destruction that came into my life due to my ED and think, there has GOT to be some balance??? i guess this is why they say this is one of the MOST difficult addictions to overcome, eh??
You are in the right place at the right time.
This journey is one of a thousand or more steps and you have taken the first set of steps to recover. I am very proud of you for enrolling in an intensive OP program, i think that this will be an amazing step for you. Comments from people like your neighbor are so hard to deal with, but in the long run hearing that you do not look anorexic will be a very positive comment. I have been dealing with the opposite types of comments, because this relapse has pushed me down to a place physically i have not been since college. Yet as triggering as the "wow you look great and so thin" comments are to me and supportive of ED as they are, i am dedicated to really recovering and i am speaking out now. Yelling people i caee about who make these toes of comments, well actually it is not a good thing since i relapsed into ED and this is not a healthy weight for me. All comments about our bodes can trigger us, and we just have to learn to have that strong armor that will allow it all to bounce off of us. Right now my armor is an angry defense mechanism that is very unpleasant to del with, but those who love me aee learning to take this as a sign of progress. I believe that you will get to this place and be able to fight back against triggers. I believe in you!
Hugs, Myhsthe
PEC Sweets,
Don't despair!!! I'm sooo glad YOU are on here. I would love to reach out and hug you, tell you that it's going to be okay. It really is. Trust in your recovery..whatever the heck that means. Trust in it and freedom will come to fruition the longer you tough it out.
I can tell that you are intelligent, VERY independent and tough as nails. You're constantly busy and relaxing makes you nervous, probably because you relate to it with eating. Sound familiar?
I've been in recovery for 7 weeks. This is my first online support group and I love it. I have a therapist, a psychiatrist (for my depression, which I've battled for 13 years) and an expensive membership at Barnes and Nobles for the intensive book reading/research I do on my disorder(s).
I am much like you. I am an advocate of my own interest. I am better when I am actively doing something, anything..including my recovery. So I read. I research. I write. I practice affirmations. I do EVERYTHING that pertains to ME that my recovery books instruct me to do. Six months ago I would have NEVER done this. Sitting still makes me crazy. I am not hypered but I'm very active.
Do you know what brought me to recovery? Thought I was having a midlife crisis. I'm not old enough to go through such but I'm nearing the early stage age. I didn't want to do IT anymore and I couldn't figure out why. I LOVE everything around me but I couldn't FEEL it. I couldn't ENJOY it and that bothered me. I did EVERYTHING I used to - to make me feel better and it didn't work. I thought it was a phase but shittiness kept coming back. I went to the doctor and asked them to tweak my meds but they sent me to a therapist. I was willing to do ANYTHING (including drink, yeah..that made sense!) to get rid the shittiness...The turning point for me was realizing that I wanted to get away from me, and all of MY expectations, all of my "standards." I just wanted to FEEL better, happy if possible, at any cost. I was done. I was ready to let go piece by piece. I deserve to be happy, free from MY own demons, regardless of what other people said/thought. I have to live for ME. Everyone thought I had a perfect life (stature, body, family) but what they didn't know was that I was dying on the inside. I was killing myself to live up to THAT expectation. Don't get me wrong, I loved the rewards of all of it because it feed my ED, BDD but
I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to. I wanted to FEEL everything I've worked so hard for. I wanted to ENJOY it. I wanted to learn to be comfortable in my own skin, without having to feed my disorder(s). I wanted to be happy, unconditionally.
The struggle, as you may find, is letting go of the identity that controls you. This is emotional but it gets better, TRUST ME.
You must believe that letting go of ED does NOT mean FAT. It may be uncomfortable but you've taught yourself for FAR too long that anything less than xlbs is FAT. There is middle ground. And middle ground is OK. It's OK to be OK. I've had to learn that too. I've had to learn that my skinny jeans are still skinny and may not fit the way I've taught myself it SHOULD fit but it still looks smoking hot. You must remind yourself that BDD is something many struggle with especially with the fashion industry and sites like fb. Although you cannot HIDE from the world forever, perhaps at this vulnerable time in recovery you should reconsider putting off the things that trigger you. In time, your body of armor will become stronger then you can take baby steps back into the world. Sounds hokey but it's true.
Before I go..I must share..
ED, BDD has taught us to live very black and white...we are "all or nothing" kind of people. And although this train of thought has allowed us to succeed in everything we've ever put our minds too, this is a dangerous way to live if you have an underlying case of ocd behavior. Which I do. I am learning that I must not obsess over getting it right, fast or over the top. It's not about being the best or the worst. There's middle ground. Remember this. Remember the middle ground. It will eventually all make sense. Trust me. You'll be amazed as to how you life will unfold before you. Stop obsessing over the past. Stop predicting the future.
Journal your thoughts...all of it. Do not edit your writing (cause I used to). Just write.
Actively aid in your recovery by picking up Johanna S. Kandel's "Living Beyond Your Eating Disorder" and "Stopping To The Speed of Light." Many of things will sound common sense to you. But absorb it. Read it. Breathe it. Do this. Recovery is freedom. One step at a time.
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