How to let go

When I was younger, my parents divorced & my mother remarried. My step father sexually abused me & I'm still living with the consequences today. I don't put myself out there for men & I don't abuse my body; however, over the years I've found it so hard to trust. I was sent to live with my father, but I live in a small town & everyone talks. Many people know what happened to me, but they only talk behind closed doors.

I found myself in a series of long term relationships with guys who have treated me okay, but not like I've always thought a young woman should be treated. I've never had a close group of girl friends & I've always been friends with the friends of the guy that I'm dating. I suffered from a short stint of bulimia in high school; however, it wasn't enough to do any damage to me. I contemplated suicide & attempted it once. I went to counseling for a few months, but was released & was never given any type of medication for treatment.

I've been dating a guy for the past 5 years & he recently asked me to marry him. We've had our ups & downs like any couple. I mentioned earlier that I've always had trust issues since the situation with my step father, and at one point I found messages that he wasn't faithful (i.e. talking to other girls about sexual content). We broke up for a few months, felt like fate brought us back together, and went on with our lives promising to never have it happen again.

The reason I'm asking for help is because I feel like I'm never going to be able to feel confident about myself or my relationship due to my past. I swore that I wouldn't let my past affect me in a negative way & that I would learn, live, & move on from it. I just can't shake this feeling of feeling sad about it all the time. I cry when I'm alone, I constantly wonder how things could've been different, and I can't seem to let go of negative things in my life.

hey hun. I know what you mean. I was once sexually abused by someone I trusted when I was younger (I wasn't raped but it still really affected me) I'm always worried about people's intentions and can't really trust anyone. It's been hard for me to have a relationship because I'm worried about infidelity and getting sexually abused or just having someone betray my trust. HAve you ever spoken to your boyfriend about your concerns and what happened to you? Maybe try going to therapy. I've been recently seeing a therapist and I feel better when I go. It's perfectly normal for you to worry about infidelity. Many women do and they haven't been through what you've experienced so it's only natural that you should worry. But try not to let it prevent you from being happy. This guy stayed with you for 5 years and wants to marry you so obviously he does love you. Try talking to him. Also try seeing a therapist for a few sessions. I often remember my dark past and cry too. The present isn't to great either and a combination of everything including my own fears and worries add on to everything and create more stress for me. Therapy is starting to kinda help me because at least there is someone to listen to me and help me see that my worries are normal but maybe some of them are exaggerated and I should look at things from a different perspective. Perhaps it can help you too.
Hope it works out.

xoxoxoxo
Rose

Hello Beautdis, I was myself raped when I was little (it's pretty hard for me to talk about it, anyways!) by my father from I don't know what age until I was 8, and then by my brother until I was 14...
And I can't tell you how hard it is for me to trust anyone! It's not just hard, I CAN'T do it!! I can't trust, I can't! So I know the feeling, I know how it is, and I'm constantly scared...
I can't tell you it's gonna go away, I can't promise that. But I know that you and I and all those people like us, we all have the strength to overcome whatever happened to us. I struggle everyday with those memories, I cry everyday, but everyday I trust, even if I'm betrayed I trust again, not because I like it, but because it's the way it's supposed to be. You can and should trust people, not because they deserve it, but because that's how our lives are supposed to be, you trust someone, he breaks your heart, it puts you down, and you learn from it, so next time you won't get fooled again, and if you ever get in the same **** again, you'll become stronger wiser, you're gonna learn from every mistake you make, like you're supposed to.
We've been through so many things, but we're still here, we keep fighting for the best, so keep hoping, keep getting hit and getting back up again, because that's the way it's meant to be.

thanks for posting. your words are so inspirational. I’m always affraid to trust people and have a hard time letting them in and it’s a realy lonely life always having to fake happiness and not being able to trust anyone because I’m affraid of getting hurt. But I guess if I never trust anyone yeah they can’t hurt me but they also can’t love me and I’ll never find the closeness I wish to have with someone if I don’t actually allow them to get close to me. I’m so glad that you keep trying and you’re a real fighter. I’m so sorry that your brother and father did this! Did you ever tell your mother? Did you press charges against them? Is this something your dad and brother did together? I ended up having to tell because I was affraid of getting rapped. I feel like the person didn’t incestually rape me because he didn’t have the chance because people were there and showed up and it was as if nothing happened till I later told my parents but otherwise he would have and I was only about 13 and extremely sexally innocent! I didn’t even really understand what had happend but I just knew it was wrong and was crying alone for a long time until the next morning when I told. I don’t have a brother and my dad is the only person that i feel has ever loved me but I know it would have been a lot harder to tell if it had been my dad or something. It was difficult because I knew the person (he was related) I cared about him a lot and I felt like I had done something wrong but I knwo I didn’t! It wasn’t my fault! He was OLD! Like maybe 50something I’m not sure but I was a child and he should have known better and in the end he tried to have me and grab me and I said no and then his wife and people were comming and he walked out of my room and said in a mean tone “you don’t really love me!” and I felt horrible because I did! He made it seem like I was bad and I felt bad for hurting his feelings but he’s the friken pedophile that tried to have me. And after the fact I realized it was NOT my fault! I hope you know that what happened to you was NOT your fault either! Sorry you had to go through such an ordeal with your own dad.

Hope all is well.

xoxoxo
Rose

hey bp,
thanks for sharing your story so openly. and i can feel your longing for a positive outlook on life.

it sounds as if the help you have received in all those years is pretty much negligent. when was the last time you have been as open as this here?
would you consider giving counselling or maybe group therapy another go? i think it would be worthwhile finding some people who sadly share your experiences and who you can help and be helped by to find joy again. have you looked at the other groups on here?

one last question: what is your current state with your relationship? are you now engaged? and does he know about your history and your difficulty with trust?

love
maedi

Thank you so very much everyone. Your words of inspiration are so very helpful. I don't feel so alone anymore. My current state with the relationship is that I'm engaged & he does know about my past. He knows that I find it hard to trust, but he doesn't understand to what extent. He understands that he cannot fill the voids left by those in my past, but he doesn't understand why I can't "just let him in". It's realy tough because I want to, but I can't find it in myself to. I'm not able to receive any type of counseling right now, because I don't have any insurance. I have looked at the other groups on here & I feel like putting my feelings down on here & sharing them with others is going to part of my healing process.

I know what ya mean! Money is a big issue for me too with therapy mainly because I have none =/ There are some places that have reduced therapy depending on what you make. Where do you live? What state? I’m in NY and just saw someone today for $25…
You’re boyfriend seems like an amazing man for knowing all this and understanding and still trying to get close even though you wont let him. He obviously really cares about you! I’d lvoe to find someone like that. If he knows all of these things about you which would be some of the hardest things to share, why not let him in on other parts of your life. You’ve already let him know some of the worst things and he’s still by your side wanting to marry you. If your past hasn’t sent him away I don’t think much will. Try letting him in on other parts of your life. Maybe start with something smaller and slowly move up to bigger things…Or maybe let him ask you a few questions a day about things he’d like to know…just a few (whatever number you choose and feel comfortable with) and perhaps that way you can slowly let him in? Just a suggestion…
Hope you find happiness =)

xoxoxo
Rose

Though I have had a similiar life as what you have shared, I understand that how we remember, feel and deal with our betrayals is unique to each of us. What is common, is the difficulty in trusting others. Something I learned in therapy (thank god) a long time ago, is that the problem is not in trusting others that was my problem. It was in trusting myself. Trusting that I could and would handle what life exposed me to and what it would bring. Once I committed to and learned to trust that, everything else became managable. I now know that it doesn't matter what others do, I trust that I alone will decide how I will handle it, how I will feel, and what I will do. I don't judge myself. I trust that I will do what is best for me. Trust yourself. Also know that you are cared about. I care about you, even though I have never meet you, I care.