I had an extremely horrible last yr, I have had alot of healh problems for a few yrs now, including a stroke in 04. last august I started taking a college course online because I wanted to get out of a marriage that was going down hill fast.i was already disabled but wanted something to fall back on as my husband since ja14,03 was starting to slip into old habits more frequently, he was recovering from yrs of alcohol and drug abuse.he had slipped up a few times since we married once was a month prior to my stroke on my 40th birthday, he went to prison for 18 mnths on dui for that one. and prior to my starting my online college. he took my 15 yr old son to make him drive for him, they were suppose to be working down the street for a neighbor. at 8 pm my son called said mom come get me im walking dad is drunk and i cant take anymore so i got in the car to go pick him up. as I turn onto the road he said he was on i see a cop in front of me. he slows down. my husbands truck goes by my son was driving. the cop flips around pulls them over. so i turn around also pull behind them the cop comes over says hubby is drunk can my son drive i said he is only 15 never drives out of the yard. so he has me take hubby home and btring someone else to pick truck up.So I do what asks through hubbys anger he wants to go. but the officer told me to leave him at home. so we go get his truck my dad and i. kids went to my moms while gone he starts big fight with my mom. so when i get back with the truck he tries to get keys to leave again but i hid the keys. he tries to get in fight with my 15 yr old son. wants to fight like a man. of course i wasnt going to let that happen. so i sent kids to their room told to lock door not come out till he was sober. he started to try kick the door in and i opened my bedroom door and pushed him inside. blocked the door till he fell asleep. well i didnt trust him with safety of son after that so i began going to neighbors and sat in heat all day every weekend. This upset him alot, he didnt want to be babsat.well that went on for a month then i started having alot of pain in my leg tried different things hospital nothing helped hospital said was back pain radiating down leg into foot. finally went diiferent hospital after a week. sat all night. finally 5 am i got in by 7 am i was in surgery, leg full blood clots. Husband tried some that time was through hospital alot had my 6 yr old with him all the time so he didnt have sit with me, cause son bored so they basically had a vacation. eating out camping in rodeo going here and there. i had got 1600 from school for supplies. didnt know they had deposited it in bank. was gone whengot out of hospital.anyways i recovered and we went to get wound vacs off i had 3. was so happy to be free. we webt to lunch. took the 2hr drive home felt bad so went to lay down couldnt rest. sick stomach diareah. thought had food poison.complained to hubby he got up.left the room mad. this went on all night. next day 11 am called hubby at work told him i was going hospital as was getting worse not better. turns out i had a blood clot in my colon now:( so before ambulance arrived i loaded my meds put my pain meds in purse trying to keep from hubby forgot to mention he had aquired an addiction to loritab over the summer. i was trying to get him off them but he refused, cause the were legal. well long story short there.the hospital gave him my purse so meds and my money i had was gone when i got out. he also had his own prscript loritab.. i went in nov 20th sometime in dec around the middle. my 2 sister come to the hospital. and my stepdad. After a while my oldest sister gets there they are moving me to a new room. off icu:) my dad leaves.i go to new room. my older sister is trying to wash my hair. with hospital shampoo. my other sister is just sitting and staring at me. my older sister says Betty you have to listen close im going to tell you something its gonna hurt bad. so im trying to listen in my fuzzy brain. meds. so she says billys sister came to visit from arkasas. they went to some ladies house..... pause( oh no she gonna tell me he cheated on me)actually she was tryin think how to tell me. i cant deal with that. i cant figfht now... she said they were drinking billy got shot and was killed...... i didnt say anything just listened she got a paper out of her purse a news article. showed me. The Dr's immediadely put me on anxiety pills and antidepressants they had made them wait to tell me afraid id have a set back.so eventually they left i cried alot.hurt alot but then when they came next she told me he was doingalot of drinking and dragging my son along. then my anger set in. i still greived as i did love him but. he was also fighting my son.i was begging to go home but the dr wouldnt let me. christmas was coming i needed to be with my kids. instead they moved me to a rehab hospital i had another wound vac on:( but i was just beginning to realize it. it was all so foggy.it snowed really bad at christmas so no one could even come to visit. i was so alone. i creid alot thinking of hubby being in freezing ground. comes from being on blood thinners im always cold.. i knew he couldnt feel it but still bothered me i prayed for him. Finally jan 18th i got to go home. so happy be with the kids again.When i get home the first thing my 6yr old says is mom your husband is dead.it is his dad my other kids were from a prev marraige. then the kids later tell me there story. how he drug my one son and even 6 yr old off one day on his drinking, but my kids wouldnt let him take little one alone so 15 yr old went too at one point tried to fight 15 yr old he knocked him out put im in back seat and told 6 yr old get in he was taking them home. hubby woke up pushed seat up on 15 yr old almost makinghim crash trying to punch him. he stopped truck told 6 yrold get out. so he did, they fought more.my son was chocking hubby. he passed out. so he arranged him in back seat got 6yr old back in truck, drove them home. they put hubby to bed covered him up. closed and locked their bedroom door. breaks my heart just rembering this story. but im so stressed when i get home i hear all this no income 3 kids disabled.. stressed to max. my hair starts falling out my handfulls. dr said it was stress. it stopped falling out a couple months ago. but is starting again. my daughter turned 17 im march and nightmare with her begain.she wants to fight constantly with me. she moved out to stay with sister for month. peaceful. but came back for school. but not wanting to be here wants to quit school and move out.
sometimes i cant wait for her to but other times its just sad for me. I honestly love my kids. and they havent been bad kids but. they are going through a hard time to. my 15 yr old took my rodeo i just got fixed 2000 into for ride totaled it. so i have no transportation now used all my money fixing up rodeo. now ive been cooped up lonely and depressed for months. i love my kids but sometimes i feel like i hate them teenagers not little one.i dont miss my hubby to much. makes me sad especially when i go to greif sites everyone missing there wonderful husbands. i feel sad because all i feel now is mostly anger i have occasional times when i first came home especially hard couldnt sleep. it all played in my mind over and over. i went to his grave once was worried how id take it.. felt not much. i dont feel normal. my dr said it is normal for all the situation. im getting so much stronger physically and mentally. i feel. but i really dont feel im dealing with things well. i dont know what to do with daughter. but she will be 18 in march. so ill see how we make till then praying we can make peace and grow closer before then. i dont know. just confused. i still feel betrayed by hubby for treating my kids this way hurts he put then all through this.the whole situation makes me ssso mmmmadd and Sad.
roselover2 your story is heart wrenching, you are a strong person to keep going everyday. I understand why you don't miss your husband considering the pain that he had put your through, but i am sure you did love him and some days will be easier than the next.
I think it is good that your kids have opened up to you about what went on in the house. I think you need to have more talks with them about the past and making a better future and how things should be in the future. Talk to them, see how they feel and open up to them about yourself, how you feel and your hopes.
Right now you need to come together as a family and work together to get through this. Take it one day at a time and just breath.
Thank you victoria, I’ve had a hard time getting signed back in. Yes I did love my husband, which is why it has really hurt that he bet betrayed my trust, with all the things he did and the hurt he caused all the children. but im trying hard to let go of the anger, because i realize its only hurting me and the children since he isnt here anymore.I am not so strong. Just God keeps me going on.I was so depressed I had decided id just lay in bed and wait for my death. But I have came out of that i was just beginning when i posted my last post. Now i am trying harder. i am out of bed most of the time now.and trying to make the house more pleasant been getting my plants healthy again trying to decorate.of course alot was waiting to get my physical strenght back also.it has been hard but im honestly doing so much better mentally and physically. there are hard days but im trying one day at a time. the children are pretty open with me. kim still wants to move out. david 16yr old wants me to let her he is so tired of us fighting daily. she refuses to do any of her chores. always wants more than i have to give her financially. and just wants her way at all times. she tells me she will not move out if i let her do anything she wants. of course thats not going to happen. i try talking to her but she has so much anger she wont listen to anything i say.David and i had a conversation about billy over the weekend he almost started crying. but he doesnt want to he likes to feel strong. i feel so sad for him because,he was put through the most. yet he is struggling betwween his hated and love for him. willis my 7 yr old billys only real child is doing well. teacher brags on him so much. straight a’s i tease him he is bribing her with apples. lol he is so strong. not saying hes not hurting because i know he is. we were alone friday and we watched frquency together. (a son talking to his dead father on a radio. So I was trying to explain the time warp thing to him. he was so into this movie. i could see his mind working trying to figure out how he could talk to his dad.on the bright side he has a very loving grandpa that loves him so much he spends most of his time with him and my mom. they live next door. thanks so much for the advice.im still trying.
My heart goes out to you, am so glad you shared your story w/us, you've experienced so much & still standing, your an inspiration to all. Please go easy on yourself as you've endured so much & only time w/ease the stress. As Victoria said talking open & honestly w/your family regardless of how they receive or the perception of it will do you a world of good no doubt.
Take care of you.
April
I really want to thank you all for your support.I really began to think no one replied because I sounded hateful and crazy.Ispent weeks reading others posts before. being brave enough to post my own. ive seen alot of your posts. reading your kind advice to others helps break the fear of exposure berriers we put up.thank you all for being here for us. God bless you abundantly.
it will all take time. i am glad things are getting a little better and you are making it out of bed and getting back to your life. Like i said it will take time to get back to being ok, and that itself is ok. i’m glad you are still talking to your kids, and its good they open up to. They emotions are very normal and it is hard to sort out, but as long as you all have eachother you will be alright. keep writing and letting us know how you are doing.
I too am glad your feeling better & taking things day by day & enjoying the little things together (in reference to that movie watching w/willis) & as Victoria said it does take time for all to figure through their feelings on the issues/circumstances of the past. Please take care of you & we're here to listen if & when you feel like it.
All my strengths.
April
From Mental & Physical Abuse to Grief & Loss