Hurting bad don't know what to do

Hello please hang in there with me i am not a good type.or speller.my story my wife of 18 years and the woman i have been with for 25 has come to a bad time.i had been sick for over a year i have been to Cleavland clinic to neurologists and everyone you can think of my blood is the same as someone with multiple myeloma but no cancer cells.they are monitoring me every 3 months.i have not had any interest in sex couldn't even get it up if i tried ,refused to take any Viagra .i am not taking anything that i don't have to take.so i made a bad judgement and let her have sex with someone she new to keep my marriage going i love my wife and thought her needs for that should be met i was not jealous.just wanted to make her happy during our time in life she met him 3 times.thought it was just sex. then i saw her text that she was going out to a movie and dinner that wasn't the deal so she came home 1 night on Nov 13 and told the kids that she was going out i have 17 and 13 year old.i had a fever for 3 days of 102 to 103 i asked her to stay home i was very sick.she went nuts and said no way she was going out and i wasn't stopping her.i took her keys so she wouldn't go out she left anyway.do i found out where he was and i went to his house and beat him pretty good.i got arrested got out and spent 7 days in the hospital with blood infection and pneumonia.she never came or made contact .went to court for what i had done and they said if i stay out of trouble and leave him alone the will drop the charges in Feb.the night this happened my kids where at my sister in laws. they called her and she did not come home she stayed with him i could not believe she did that i am in jail the kids have no idea whats going on and she is with her man.any how after hearing i asked to see my kids and wife and they said she is getting a pfa and that she was scared of me.i had to go to court for that i have full access to my kids but am not allowed any contact with her.she has no shame she talks to him everyday many times tells the kids how great he is.mind you he is 45 never married no kids so that says something about him.but my biggest problem is i love my wife yes i made a bad judgement in letting her do that.but she has just killed me to my kids how awful i am and how she don't love me.and she will never want me back.i did nothing to her i never touched her nor have i said anything bad about her through all this she has all the power now till march if i have no contact with her the pfa is dropped.I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHE HATES ME AND IS DOING ALL SHE CAN TO HURT ME I DID NOTHING TO HER I NEVER WOULD.i just don't understand all the hate towards me.i am so hurt confused and i am in therapy and realize that all that i went through this last year i have been in depression as well that explains some of my symptoms of what i have been going through.but she will never no that i am getting better mentally and physically. i hate to throw away what we had like this.i am just devastated.sorry about the spelling and typing

I know exactly what you are going through. I had cervical cancer and I did not want touched by my husband for the duration of the treatment. So I thoight since he kept whimpering he had needs and He needed them taken care of. I tried to do it but it was just to painful and i do not even see how he could have enjoyed it since i was in tears from the pain. So i let him have a fling. Well i thought something was up when she slept with him after hanging out with us for a few hours not really knowing us very well. She was in a class I had at school. Well like 3 days later I ende up staying with a friend and explained this all to them and they told me i needed to start to think about myself since he seems to be stuck on her after only being around her for a few hours. That night i came home, he was begging me to call her so i did and I went out with my other friend and on the way home we got pulled over and I ended up getting arrested for violation of a no contact order that he had on me, that was violated over a month or 2 before the arrest and the order was dropped. I tried calling him and her and they wouldnt bail me out. I had the money just needed someone to sign hte paper work so i had to wait for my friend to get her kids to school and she came and got me. Later that night he had his girlfriend come over. They both acted like they were so worried about me which if they were htey coudl have signed me out at 6am when i seen the judge instead of me having to wait til 1pm! Well i had it i snapped on him when he said he was showering with her. I freaked hte hell out and told her what i thought was what and i told him i was fed up with his emotional abuse and I will be moving on my own. Well he moped and she drank her self stupid for a few days. I moved to the dorms. he started to herass me about his happiness and i seen her and she acted like she did nothing wrong because i ok'd the sex. WEll I did ok the sex but i did not ok a relationship. Well she ended up getting me drunk that night and we somehow ended up back at my house (where my husband lives) and they both told me that until my cancer was completly gone and i was healed they were going to continue to have sex. It kinda made me want to contact her boyfriend in the state she was from and just let everything out but i never did. He would tell me how he needed her and so on. Well about a month into this mess she became the biggest drunk started to ruin things at our house was constantly calling him to come drink at our house, made fun of me for the things i liked and enjoyed doing, constantly made me feel like i was just a little child. The things she would make fun of me for was things that he also enjoyed but never let on to her. I eventually got fed up with the emotional stress and abuse from them both that i just would make up a lie to stay alone in my dorm. Eventually she screwed him over. she kept borrowing things from him never to return them to him but give them to me and she kept having him buy her booze and drive her around, mean while if i needed a ride he would not drive me because "she paid for the gas" or he was busy with her. I snapped again on them both. She admitted to him before she left to go back home she was just using him and she had like 2 other guys on the side. He tried to blame me for her actions which i had nothing to do with. He tried to tell me he could never have happiness with me again because she made him feel so much better even tho she was annoying and dumber than hell. We still are apart and have been for 4 months now. I have to make up excuses as to why i do not want to hang out with him. I tried to file divorce 2x but each time he refuses to cooperate and tells me if i stop the proceedings we can fix it all or he tells me for him to sign the papers (of this current one) i must find him someone that will replace me. I thought just like you he has needs and needs them met even tho i am sick and its just sex nothing meaningful can come out of just sex, but it seems we were both wrong. He has since reactivated the no contact order on me and he deserved the day i threw the can of carrots at him because he wouldnt help me and i really did need help. I was to the point of breaking that day and i did. That was before the girl was envolved. But I can now see how i screwed up and I am just having trouble making new friends becuase she has tried to make me out to be some sort of psycho and he is not any help in the matter. I know he has til Aug to figure out if he is staying with me or if I am moving on with out him. I start my BA in photography at another school. All i can say is its hard to let go and it does hurt alot but I was told I would be better off without him since he is not really seeming to care much about my well being right now. I do love him still but love sometimes is not enough to heal the wounds.

what ever happened to “through sickness and health”? i cant even believe a loving spouse would be willing to have sex with someone else because their wife/husband is sick! thats so horrible-to be sick AND have to deal with a selfish pig! im so sorry for you both, thats not the way love is; love is patient, caring-not having sex with someone else! even with my spouses permission, i just could’nt do it, ESPECIALLY IF MY SPOUSE WAS SICK! anyway, i hope they get what they deserve.

thanks for your story.i have no desire to get in contact with her.i will not stoop to her level.i will not say anything bad about her and i will let her do her thing. i have created the power she has and i will not give her anymore.i love her more than anything.but she has hurt me soooo bad at this point i cant forgive her.i can forgive her for the affair i let her do it but just for sex she took it to another level.my fault bad judgement on my part but as i get therapy and continue to surround myself with positive people .i have come to realize she could of said no i don't want to do that.right now its all the hate and the worst stuff she says about me if she wants to justify in her own head that its okay for what she is doing than so be it .i am glad you shared your story with me

Yeah, She is just looking for a way to clear her guilt. Thast what my hsuband is doing. Hes is trying to place the full blame on myself. I just hope people dont believe what she says about you. Thats what my little problem is right now, is he has a big mouth and people believe him over me. Its ruined friendships possible employment and some grades for me (im back in school right now). I really think that if we said no to thier escapeds they would have found a way to go it and it would have probably hrut alot more in the end when the secret came out.

She can say what she wants about me.my friends know me and they have been nothing but supportive.its just how she is acting like its no big deal and talks about him to the kids mine are older .she calls him a great friend but they know its more than that when she leaves them in pizza hut to talk to him by there self and texts all the time and goes to her room to talk to him they ain't dumb they know.but it still hurts me and them as well.so i just hope she will ease up at some point i do love her but what can i do but move on in a positive way that's all i can do

Hurting, what you described about this man says alot & your correct in that your wife will eventually find this out him being self absorbed/self centered & highly likely he has more women on the side & she will grow tried/lonely/angry of her choices that she made. Keep up the wonderful attitude your projecting & we're here to talk w/if & when you feel like it.

All my strengths.

April