I am a glutton for punishment... email conversation with husband

Relationships Romantic Relationships
1

I'm trying to let go, but I have a hard time understanding. He says he's not in love with me anymore because we've fought so long and dirty, saying things we both regret, that he's so hurt. He's insistent that we stay as best of friends as we can, and I'm still just trying to not think of us as attached. Email conversation started because he asked why I changed my last name on FB...we are still fb friends.

Me:
By the way...the thing with changing my name on Facebook...every time I
have ever seen *my name*, be it on a receipt, or signing
my name on documents, etc., it has always made me smile and I have felt
lucky/happy/loved/proud to be/by my connection to you, the kids. It
hurts now, to see it up there...and although I want to keep every kind
of attachment to you that I can, I know that this one will be one of the
hardest for me, and I have to let go. Anyways, I'm sure you didn't really care either way, but I still felt like I needed to explain - I never want you to think that being withyou, although filled with terrible heartache, has not also been the happiest times of my life.
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Husband:
If it makes you feel any better - when I saw you changed your last name, it made me sad.

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Me:

tell me why you think you fell in love with me, in as
much detail as you can, and why you think someone would be lucky to have
me...I'm trying to think positively this morning, but some of my self
esteem has been through the ringer :)
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Husband:
I feel like you have a great personality and you normally light the room
up when you are in it - you are very good with kids - and you are very
outspoken - you have a lot of integrity and you stick to what you feel
is right.

I think anybody with the right personality and mindset would be very
lucky to have you, you are a very good person

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Me:
why did you fall in love with me? What about our personalities didn't
mesh?
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Husband:

I think our approach to things were our biggest downfall -

I fell in love with you because of your eyes .... really .... well I
guess that is more of what attracted me to you - I fell in love with you
because I loved being with you - you made me laugh and made me feel
comfortable. The bad thing is that I thought we could/would both change
the ways that we were different to where we could be together. I was
foolish in thinking that people as stubborn as we are could/would
change.

_______________________________________________________________

I can't stop thinking I really screwed up, and how much I still love him :(

2

Hm... My husband will only write my maiden last name... he refuses to write his last name after my first name... even though our divorce is not final and intend to keep my married name so it is the same as the kids... I think he is doing it just to show how happy is is not to be married to me anymore... NICE... i wish we could still be friends, but that is out of the question...

you guys couldn't go to counseling? he doesn't want to fix it?

3

He doesn't want to do counseling...he says he wants to seperate, and work from the ground up. Start off with our friendship, and if things progress back to us being together, then fine. But, that's not to say he doesn't want a divorce...he does. He says he is ready for this between us to be done, and all he wants to focus on is his issues and figuring himself out, with a priority of working on a solid friendship between the two of us. He also says he can't forsee a time where either one of us may not be a part of each other's lives.

4

I've been going through a very similiar situation Brandy. I tried to believe all the excuses, but my husband also refused marriage counseling (we've been married 20 years) and says he loves all these different things about me and he just wants to be friends. Well, all his BS sounded sincere but after a few months of that crap the puzzle pieces still did not fit. I don't know what your husband is doing, but mine has been lying and cheating for months. I filed for a divorce just over a month ago. It hurts like hell, but I can't tolerate anymore of his lies. He has destroyed all faith and trust I had in him.

5

Just think of your ex as being dead. Apparently it works for my ex.
Probably the difference would be we do not have children.
Also after my ex told me to take a hike (ie. told me she wanted a divorce) I chose to proceed with suicide - as I am here you know how that worked out.
On facebook she has changed back to her maiden name, but so far has not unfriended me or whatever the term is!

6

Wow! You were brave to ask those types of questions. I steer clear of that kind of stuff because knowing the answer wouldn't help me much (unless you were seriously ONLY asking for the self esteem boost). It's nice that he can still speak nicely to you and I can see how reading that from him makes you want everything back the way it was. At least if he wants to build from the ground up, it seems from this message you're standing on a "positive ground".

7

I used to ask those questions, butI stopped because no matter what the answer was it would hurt me... I knew we couldn't be married anymore no matter what... so if he still loved me and had nice things to say it would just make me sad... if he had cruel things to say then I'd feel sad that he no longer loved me... there was no right answer. I have started taking care of myself and hope that I can tell myself nice things. forgive myself for my part in the distruction of our marriage and frogive him for his... I find it easier to forgive myself because I know that I am sorry and I am working so hard to change... it is hard to forgove him because he is stilllivingt he same life... I have to learn to forgive even if nobody is saying "sorry"

8

Lonestar, I'm so sorry for the pain he has caused you. I don't know if he is, and although I have thought of it, to be honest there isn't anything I could or would do about it. If he feels the need to do so, then it would make it infinitely easier to let go to.
departure - :( I hope that you know that you are worthy of love and are special, even if the one we wanted doesn't always reciprocate the feelings we have/had for them. I am sorry for the pain you must've felt to believe the only way out was to turn to suicide. I have kept him on my fb, but hide any activity he does on it...I don't want to obsess over what he does.
kdavey1 and JessicaC - I was comfortable to the point where I felt that I had accepted the fact we wouldn't be together, but I just wanted confirmation that WE had meant something to him...but it quickly showed me that I was lying to myself thinking I was emotionally equipped to deal with the answer. Jessica was right - the answer doesn't matter really, good or bad. I just have to learn to focus on me and the kiddos, and try to improve on my own issues and be happy with me. Thank you all for your support!

9

Brandy, I do not consider suicide. I'm sorry if my post was taken that way. My STBX is not worth me giving up my life. I am filled with pain and worry that I can never trust again but I'm just trying to get through each day. I think the most frustrating thing about all this is that I don't really know the reasons why. Sure he has given me a ton of excuses that never really made any sense and it is hard to accept why our marriage is ending and our family is being torn apart. I believe him to be a cheat and a liar, there are just too many things that have happened to point to that situation, it's the only pieces of the puzzle that fit.

10

I got a lot of silly nonsense excuses too... I am the one who filed, but he keeps saying that if I hadn't he would have because I was intolleranle as a wife... it shouldn't matter what his reasons are because I was the one who asked for the divorce, but it drives me nuts after all he has done that he can't let me have the dignity of it having been my choice. my weight,, my housekeeping, my inability to get aong with his mother, my shyness, Jesus... the way he tells it he has been suffering through years in a deathtrap with some socially inept 800 pound ***** who wanted his mother kneecapped... i just listen to him and say "aren't those reasons to get therapy? those aren't reasons to fall out of love with someone" unless he nver really did love me or he's just trying to save face... i don't know... does it matter? does it matter?? no, not really.

11

Jessica, it sounds like we are married to the same idiot! I got the same trash, he was going to file as soon as he could, the problems with his mother, living with me has been hell, blah, blah, blah. Like living with his cheating lying butt has been a walk in the park for me? I filed first because I was sick of the rollercoaster, but filing isn't the end of the ride. My STBX is the biggest disappointment of my life and he will be someone else's problem soon. She may thing she has snagged a great man but she best know that she will have an expiration date with him.

12

yeah... I know I wasn't always a peach... I was horribly lonely and codependant and had no idea how else to BE being married to him... I was just trying to make it through every single day taking care of 2 babies and an ainsane husband... my weight? seriously?? the housework? his frickin MOM?? he was an active addict, booze, pills, porn, strippers, phone sex with coworkers... he was hooked on pills and I didn't know it and pretty much lived in our bed when he wasn't buying pills form the students he worked with.... he was quittinghis jobs every year we'd forclosed on a house, had to move for the 4th time in 4 years, I was in and out of the hospital with heart and kidney problems... I'm sorry it didn't even cross my mind to take care of my slightly wide *** and to keep picking his boxers up from behind the bathroom door... there was a little more on my mind at the time.