I am addicted to the internet. This started in part because I always felt so guilty about not being busy. As life began to depress me more and I was about to graduate high school, I was too down and too focused on my social failures. I always felt pressure to be more busy than I already was. My mother had to raise me for the last six or so years of my upbringing. Either I had to be busy looking for colleges online, or I had to help around the house.
I am autistic. We are not always the most efficient beings around. A lot of this story starts when I was in school. I wanted to be like everyone else: A) get friends. Check. B) get a girlfriend or have some serious interaction with someone. Not Check.
Does this sound silly? I did not believe the majority of people in high school failed to have relations with the opposite gender. Maybe deep down I did, but I thought if I was just like everyone else and just as good as them, I could do it if I chose to. I did not succeed.
I might be digressing. The point is my perceived feeling of not showing up to others was SO strong that it corrosively became stronger over the years until it REALLY went to sh*t about the time I turned 18. I might characterize it as a mental breakdown.
Then, as had happened before in my life, I realized I was not finding a college major. UNLIKE everyone else, I was not applying to a dozen other colleges. I resisted the push by my mother to do so; how can I just go to college, be a mindless worker for society, when I still haven't measured up to everyone else in this simple way? My mother, reacting to my not applying to college by saying, “Why didn’t we do this before?!” Ever notice mothers have a tendency to use the pronoun “us”?
There are examples of when she got angry and I felt attacked. At some point in my life we were planning a vacation. I helped when prompted, didn’t go further in planning as she wanted; I just waited until she forgot and went back to what I was doing before. So I’m watching TV, it seems like everything’s good that day–when she comes into my room, harangues me for not planning more for the trip. I am rattled. I feel like my control has been taken away from me. All this and my depression and my breakdown led me to peruse the internet constantly to feel busy even if I don’t want to do it organically. It has been creating a series of bad habits and unsatisfied emotions.