I am afraid of not being a whole person of sound mind and wi

I am afraid of not being a whole person of sound mind and will. That I can't grasp all the correct things to do to be a good parent. My parents were terrible and I don't even know how many things are ingrained within me. I haven't seen my father in 14 years that means for as many years as I had him in my life I have not had him in my life. I haven't spoken to him either besides the conversations I have in my head. Where I tell him how I wish things were. Or where I live in pain over and over. I see my mother occasionally and I actually get angry at how stupid she is. It sounds harsh I know but it's how I feel I get so angry at her stupidity. The way she talks and acts, I resent that I came from her and then immediately wonder in how many ways like her I am. She left my father when I was young and she was never really all the way there in her mind. I can't wrap my head around the day she wanted to talk to me about always crossing my legs because that's what good girls do. The bad girls forget and the tempt the poor boys. It was on or around one of the days my half brother molested me one of the many times. She rented a small trailer how didn't she know? With three sons and a daughter in one small tiny trailer how didn't she hear Richard hurting me? His room wasn't even a room it was sectioned off by a curtain and sometimes he didn't even bother to drag me behind the curtain. All the abuse I went through.... All the pain I endured and she was never there. Her words a mockery, "you shouldn't walk by yourself, buddy system", "cross your legs or your a bad girl", "shouldn't go out at night" I guess none of it counts if it's her perfect son. Her first baby Boyee (how she says boy when talking about him). I don't know if she is stupid or just plays dumb. Everything about her makes me angry even her body language I cringe when she's near. She tried getting me to go get a coffee the other day while she played with my son in a public area at a mall and I wouldn't do it. I don't even trust her in a place like that.

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Hey I was abused by my dad and uncles and just like you I often wonder whether my mum knew. My dad started hurting me n my sisters when I was 3 and it went on all through my childhood right up to 16. My mum left him several times, he was violent toward her and Us Kids but she just kept going back to him.
I went to the police and eventually my dad and his brothers got lengthy sentences but I will never totally believe my mum didn't know.

I'm a mother of two girls myself now and I have such a hard time trying not to bring them up based on my childhood. My eldest Is 16 and she is a credit to me the bubba is 2 and she is also a sweetheart. But I must remember I'm not my mother or my father.

Don't be hard on yourself and as for your mum, you will never know if she knew unless she tells you.