I am ashamed to say I still haven't gone no contact. I need help, I just can't let go...I know, what I fool I am to think it's could be wrong that somehow I can fix this or that he really loved me. I just can't bring myself to do it and I still miss him and keep writing these long texts basically trying to prove my worth. I'm so sad I can't love myself enough to stop. He has total control over me. :(
1 Heart
I have felt the same way. Most of the time I am at peace with NC. But there are times I find myself wondering what if and what he is doing/thinking. I have to make myself think of something else. It is control. You are strong and can do it but know you aren't alone in having these feelings. It does it easier in time. Hopefully we get to a point that we have moved on completely. I don't know of this good advice or not (someone can correct me) but what if you wrote it down on paper instead of text or computer? Then you get it all out and either put it away or burn it.
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www.lucyrising.com
Read this site. It was made by tabbylady here. It is helpful.
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Stop writing the texts now. The impulse to do it is extremely strong but just don't do it. Take a walk or focus on work. Do anything but step back, view yourself from the "outside", and occupy yourself with another task. Keep super busy. Clean something. write a letter to yourself, go for a jog. He does not control you! Don't let him control you!
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ocean heart....we are all struggling it looks like. It is almost compulsive when people like us, the normal ones in the relationship, feel the need to continue texting, emailing, calling, trying to define our feelings to insane lunatics who don't share our feelings! I think that has been the hardest part for me, is to wrap my brain around the fact that this person, this thing, this idea I think I love, he has no heart. No empathy, he is cold inside and he mimics his responses to love. Don't feel bad about yourself and failing on the no contact! If you didn't want to reach out to a person you loved, you would be heartless too. Our "fault" is also our greatest strength. We are kind.
3 Hearts
Take note of my suggestions and those of others. There is the immediate need to calm yourself and not do something you will regret; and the other is the need to internalize the truth about your Narc. The two aren't necessarily the same. One is reacting to your immediate need and the other is to internalize the change you need to make in your thinking in order to get past him. I'm not sure if this makes any sense. One is short term coping and the other is long term understanding/learning/healing. If I sound like a blow hard, let me know and I'll stop.
Yes it makes sense. Thank you I need the insight, this is still a very new realization for me.
i was exactly feeling like u 2 yrs ago ...i wasted my precious feelings for some1 who didnt deserve even to be called human . he was a player that enjoyed seeing my cry for him and how much ive fallen for him . it was hard when i realized this person is not really the idle that ive made of him in my mind n worship him with love ! it was a bitter fact . but u know what ? bitter facts r better than sweet lies .dont waste ur feeelings for him anymore . dont ruin ur moments while he is chill n doesnt care . if u feel like talking im here to listen
2 Hearts
Thank you. Night time is the worst. I feel like I'm choking on sadness. The worst part is accepting it was a lie, when it seemed so very perfect.
@Oceanheart I’m going through the same just like you. I still haven’t let go. I wondering what is keeping me around when deep inside its all fake. Yes nighttime is the worse. I wish he would just disappear because I am not strong enough to end it
i know trust me ..ive been through same ..those fights with urself and questions that runs in ur mind are terrible . u just to start making a new dream for urself ..thats the hard part . becoz till now mave ur dream only defined in being with him . but now u need new one . and once u get it u can get over him ..some say best way to get over a failed relationship is start another ..i dont agree u need a friend to share n once u r ready and recovered u can start thinknig about others . so u only will end up hurting urself .dont make new dates untill u r fine and find urself again .
take a look at this pls :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU0E-bEtR1s
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I know exactly how you feel, my mother is narastic. I have a restraining order against her now, but when I didn't she had control over me at all times, she planned my wedding how she wanted it. She literally abused me mentally and brainwashed me into thinking that she can do no wrong, mothers are always right, she would say. When I would catch her in a lie, she would say,"now do you really think I would lie to my own daughter, do you really think that's who I am?" And yes that's who is will always be, a unstable mother who cannot show love the way a stable mother should. When I questioned my sexuality, she would torcher me. If there were pretty girls on tv she would look at me and give me a look like, don't you dare even think about being with a woman. This was when I was in high school, I was confused. Mom would call being with a woman disgusting in every means. She would humiliate me in public if she didn't get her way or if I made her mad. Also, my parents are racists, and I dated two black handsome men. They hated that, and mom said to me," I don't want brown grandchildren, people will make fun of them." I couldn't even kiss them without my mom looking at me in disgust.
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Yes she's horrible. Yes I am glad I got the restraining order as well, it had to be done she was ruining my life. I recently found out through my mothers sister that I am close to that my mothers mother was very narsistic as well. My mother was also sexually abused by her father. Since she grew up with a mother like that, she was taught that that is the way she needs to treat her children.
I am in the same boat. I go through moments when I want nothing to do with him (these are very short moments) and then I have moments where all I want is text him or call him or even "pocket dial" him, Hoping that if I do this he will realize how much he misses me or I can fix this or if he is texting me then he won't be texting a new girl. But every time I do this I end up feeling more upset then before, if he doesn't text me I feel like he doesn't care, if he does text me something "nice" I know its not sincere, and if he texts something mean it ruins me. Unfortunately I don't think there is any winning with narcissist. It leaves me feeling hopeless and him feeling some sort of control knowing that i'm a mess and he has his life together.
2 Hearts
dont lower ur value for some1 who doesnt deserve ur tears
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There isn't any winning. Just getting stronger and being "on to him" was enough to start healing.
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With narsistic people they always need to win or they will have a hissy fit, they act like children. If they don't get what they want, they manipulate anyone who will listen and they will always find a way.
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@tabbylady they go to the extremes, they don’t think about who their hurting, they only think about themselves and their happiness
Yup they go to the extremes
1 Heart
It's incredibly hard to break away rom that level of manipulation. I was with a sociopath for over 4 years and we broke up more times than I can count. But he still lured me back every time, no matter how determined I was to not go back. They get into your head and mess with you, make you feel what they want you to feel, make you think what they want you to think while at the same time making you believe it was your idea all along. That's what they do. You can do this. Find the strength in yourself, and be assured that we have your back in this fight.