I am curious how any of you cope with the fear of cheating happening again... has anyone been through repeated or serial cheating?...and if so...was the cheating person actively and honestly working on dealing with the reasons they cheated at the time they did it? Thanks for any input in advance
I'm working thru my husband's second emotional affair. The first one happened when I was pregnant with my second child, 5 years ago. He bumped into an old friend from college on facebook and started chatting, just like this time. The chatting turned into texting turned into phone calls... but after a few months, I caught him. That time, he felt awful. He ended things immediately. He blocked her number from his phone. He let me "warn" her to keep away from him OR ELSE. This time is different. This time, we were having intimacy issues and were both emotionally distant from the marriage for a period of time. That wore on him badly. When OW popped up and wanted to chat... and then fell in love with him... he was sucked in because things were bad between us already.
So... on to your question... It's worse this time. Now it's happened twice. Can it happen again? yes. Will it? I don't know. Am I scared? Absofrikkinlutely. What am I going to do? Right now, we need to jump this hurdle and make sure that CURRENT OW disappears forever. Once I'm comfortable with that, I plan on placing strong boundaries on our marriage to assure that things like this never happen again. I was too relaxed about it the first time. Much too relaxed. This time, I'm more edgy and anxious. I'm NOT going to let myself be hurt like this again.
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HI was online looking for local support groups and this website popped up.
reading thru...I've been married 21 years... about every 5-6 years my husband is at it again. It escalates each time. (so I think cuz do ever really get the entire truth..NO).
This time my emotions are over the top. Our daughter is 7, I'm a stay at home mom for the past 2 years, I'm friggin 46 - what the heck! There's no OW here just whoring and secret profiles and quick stops in random places. (placed a GPS tracker on his phone).
I did confront him and it's been almost a month, I am struggling day to day with different feelings each day. My daughter weighs heavy in my heart & soul. Our financial stability weighs heavy. My disgust is off the chart.
We have both started separate counseling. I've never been to one before, next week will be the 2nd visit.
He's a fireman with 24 hour shifts, my better days are when I don't have to look and interact with him as if nothings wrong in front of the family.
Strong boundaries on a person have to be volunteered from the cheater & liar, if pressed by you it just doesn't mean as much and it's not the victims job to control them because WE CAN'T - you have to ask them how can THEY make this right? It's not our problem to solve we didn't cause this no matter how bad the relationship/marriage/intimacy was bad that they claim or lay guilt on us about, WE CHOSE to stay faithful and try...they chose to stay cause us pain and then had their piece of excitement.
I feel like this today...have to check back in a few days to see if I feel the same.
A partnership in anything business, friendship, co-workers, marriage can and will only work if both parties understand what the don't are and to respect them. ONCE half of the partnership decides to disrespect the KEEP PEACE agreement - It's OVER.
The only way to get their respect back is to stand up and say it's either ok you can live with the new partnership rules or it's not okay & I need a new partner.
Yes, God gave is the power of forgiveness, that doesn't mean you allow a thief to continue stealing from YOU, a liar lie to YOU, a ***** cheat a belittle YOU.
" In time I will forgive you it's God's way, but I will not and cannot allow you to do this again. I have myself and a child to protect. I had hoped that YOU as my partnerwould do the same,YOU proved me wrong."
YOU ask how can I make this right? - That's not MY problem it's my problem to heal the pain you have inflicted in me and our child. "It's YOUR problem to make this right or at the very least earn your forgiveness."
Guys you can't change people you can only try to surround yourself with people who share the same beliefs you share, once you discover this person is not the person you want leading an example for you and your children - sadly it's time to move on.
Can that person change sure- I pray all the time to help me to be a better a person. Especially on days I know I was in girl gossip... hate that part of us. CHANGE comes from yourself wanting to be a better a person, NOT your Momma, wife, teacher or boss MAKING you change, CUZ ONCE your out of their sight you know the party is ON!
*Unless you want to be that person that respects your agreed upon partnership rules*
It's okay to want and hope for the change - your not at fault for wishing for that.
Many prayers for a better partner for all of you & me. Just be careful how long you spend giving them the opportunity to be the person you hoped or they promised they could be.
In God I trust more than myself.
I'm going to continue my search for a local live support group.
I feel your pain.
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I thought that I lived in a fairytale I met my husband when I was 19 I had my first child when I was 20 by the time I was 21 I found out that my husband not only cheated on me once but has repeatedly cheated on menot only with his ex is but he goes and buys prostitutesI asked him why is it because of me he tells me know it's him he hasn't addiction to sex I've already had to bail him out of jailand people ask me why I stayhe's a great father to my two kids he's a hard working man and I have to make sacrifices for my children
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Wow thank you all for taking the time to respond to me...it means a lot! My brained is fogged from my day and my emotions are "spent"or i would write something of more value...but right now i can not...hopefully tomorrow...thank you again...
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Thanks again you 3 for responsing...I am sorry for you that this happened ....i use to always say to my husband that i know inside me i will never cheat on him so if it ever happened to our marriage it would have to be him...little did i know it had...for me i found out about affairs 2 months ago...yep i said affairs in the plural...so that is what i worry about...the happening again...right now he is doing the hard work to expose everything...to try and identify that there were intimacy issues....and to me thats to key to someone straying....not working on the real issue that caused someone to betray the other....so i see him doing the work....we both are doing the work...yet that little voice inside my head keeps saying "crap i hope it doesnt happen again...and if it would...could i survive it?....and if it did happen was he really getting to the issue of it all"....that why i asked my questions. We have blocked the phone numbers....he deleted an email account....i have access to everything....we sit down every evening and discuss whatever comes to mind....we read literature together...we cry...support and expose everything about ourselves....most times it feels very good...productive...enlightening...but the fears inside me at times and the guilt he feels for hurting me takes over....but we usually wake the next morning and put it into perspective.....the feelings linger but we get through it stronger...i totally get the fear of it haapening again....its so out of our realm of control...but i now must give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to prove to himself and me he can and is doing this... so hard to keep faith and yet to protect ourselves no? I too thought we had a fairytale only to have that vision and belief dashed....so i grieve....we all grieve....
Deborah i would say most of us have different emotions everyday....the good ones feel outstanding....the lows are debilitating....what i desire most now is the leveling out....the feeling of just a normal day....and those happen but the extremes are what drain me....i try to stay focused...productive and forge ahead but not with blinders...to be fully honest as to whatever i am feeling in the moments...i hope you all have support at home...i appreciate you all taking time to respond to me thanks again!
Cheating is what happened to throw me into my depression. The guy cheated on me, but worse, he then cheated with me on her. He and I just stopped speaking through email a couple weeks ago, and I know it is because he got engaged. *eye roll* During my dark days, I've often thought about writing her and telling her all about the relationship between he & I. I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me, and I want to shatter her trust in him. I keep fighting the urge because I really don't want to be that woman.
At this point in time I can't imagine opening myself up for that type of thing again. I avoid social situations and have no desire to find someone for a relationship. I would say I have trust issues now. Only the future will tell.
I find writing helps me...its one fo the reasons i am here...it lets me put it into print...have you considered writing her and rereading it then destroying it?...it certainly has helped in my situation.... none of us know our future...we can plan for it...learn from our past....and know and almost demand what is best for us....if its ok to ask is your depression being treated? it runs in my family so i am always on the look-out for it!