I am feeling lost, completely and totally. I am 33 years old

I am feeling lost, completely and totally. I am 33 years old and I feel exactly the way I felt when I was 16. Somehow confused about who I am and what my opinions are. Perpetually trying to figure out *how* to be human when I know somewhere in my logical brain it's really not all that difficult. I made it to such a good place mentally a few years ago, but I moved back to NY in 2019 and immediately started losing all the progress I made. I threw myself into a relationship right away, I'm so confused that 1.5 years into this relationship I don't even know if I like him or if I'm using him as a sober crutch. I have lost all sight of any of the good in me and and I'm back to incessantly running self disparaging thoughts through my head. I am acting like an ungrateful, spoiled child. It is so much harder working on myself and taking care of myself when I'm in a relationship. All rational thought flies out the window and I am consumed by insecurity and jealousy and rage. I don't know how I'll ever be able to maintain any semblance of a healthy relationship while also nourishing my individualism. It feels impossible.

3 Hearts

Take a step back.  First, we all feel like this from time to time, like where the hell am I, how did I get here? Second, if you were reading this, what would you tell you?

I would say that life is too short to waste time on people you don't really care for or love.  If you don't feel like you are secure and always jelous, what can you do about that?  I think getting older makes you think about things and push yourself to do things you were too scared to do before.  

The jealousy stems from insecurity fueled obsessions that are ultimately symptoms of my bpd. I don't really know how to address the emotion in a healthy way yet. I wish I could say the confusion was a sometimes thing, I have felt that way pretty consistently since I moved back 2 years ago now. I've felt that way for most of what I can remember about my life. Feeling grounded and stable is the exception to the rule in my experience, and I miss it. Unfortunately the times I have felt stable have typically only been the times I've been single. Relationships throw me off balance, they make it harder for me to see clearly and they make it harder to understand what thoughts and feelings I can trust.

I mean yes I do think things are easier when I'm single. But I also don't want to ward off love. When I am feeling stable my relationship is wonderful. I don't want to deny myself the chance to be loved, I want to learn how to manage jealousy and how to be a better partner.

1 Heart

Maybe some time alone to work on you? Maybe this relationship or place isn't good for your emotional or mental health. Are you in counseling? If you can't afford it, many churches offer it free. Also, take care of you as you would one you love. Love yourself well. Take a good quality multi vitamin daily that has extra magnesium and Bs, as they heal your nerves, anxiety and depression. Take walks, it's amazing how much that helps. Also, get some sun without screen and go barefoot outside to get grounded, they truly help. Best to you dear. =)

It's not so much going backwards as perhaps it is facing a new challenge. It sounds like you found yourself, but are now unsure how that fits in a relationship. Are you in counseling? That might help you sort through finding who you are in the relationship while keeping your individuality. Maybe do a pros and cons list of being in the relationship to see where it stands. Not to say you need to leave, but it could help you see if things will work for the good of both of you. Try not to make major decisions when emotional. Wait until your calm and can think things through. Prayers for peace and wisdom.

Thanks everyone. I am in counseling but it's taking me a long time to get it together. I'm not doing great. Boyfriend broke up with m last night bc of the jealousy. Can't say i blame him, it was a long time coming and I'm surprised we made it this far. At least I have stability to look forward to but I'll be busy nursing a broken heart for a bit first.

1 Heart

@Traffic_Report that’s exactly how I feel. The last 9 years of being single have been the best of my life because I focus on me instead of the boyfriend. It was hard at first but it got better and now is better than ever. But yeah I would like someone. And then this reminds me why it never works. It might work now but it’s also hard to get in a relationship after being a healthy single person for so long.
I don’t want to be judged or rejected. I don’t wanna give someone else so much power over me emotionally and psychologically.
Good luck with your counseling. You understand yourself well so that’s a good thing.
Honestly, being single is a good thing. When I look at relationships, I don’t see many good ones. I know some people have good relationships. But I’ll just take my sister for example. Her husband is nothing more than The hired help. He does everything basically. But do they have sex? No!
Are they romantically intimate on any level? No. It’s an arrangement.
Most are. Do you want to be with someone so you can get married and have kids for example. I don’t want kids. I don’t want someone to clean the house and mow the yard.
I want a lover!
Most people who are married or living together spend very little quality time together.
Just something to remember.
99.9% of the time it’s been single for the win for me!