I am feeling really hurt and anxious about my fiancé and po

I am feeling really hurt and anxious about my fiancé and pornography. We've struggled with it for years. He's lied to me so many times saying that he would stop or that he has stopped, but it turned out he hadn't. My trust has been so broken at points that to ease my anxiety and help our relationship, we agreed to block porn on all of his devices. Every time we do that, things go great for awhile, but then he tells me that he feels like I'm being his mom/treating him like a child/controlling him. I don't want to be controlling or make him feel that way, so I took off all the blocks on all of his devices. But now I'm struggling with anxiety/lack of trust. I'm also struggling with the hurt that I'm feeling because I'm pretty sure he's already started looking at it again but he's been telling me hasn't. I don't want to accuse him when I have no proof that he is, but I've seen all the same signs I have before (sex doesn't feel the same between us, etc.). Probably one of the worst things about it is just how much it hurts that he could look me in my face and lie to me. I've been trying to work on myself and come to terms with the fact that it's not my job to make him stop. It's something he has to want and work on himself. I don't feel insecure about myself or like it's my fault that he watches porn. It's not about wishing I looked different. It's more about feeling like porn is cheating. I don't think he would ever cheat on me physically with another person, but porn feels like he's still getting off to someone other than me. I know that it's not the same as meeting someone in real life and doing that, but some of the aspects of it are the same. Is anyone else going through this or maybe have any advice that could help me? I know ultimately I can choose to leave or stay. Right now, I'm choosing to stay because I really hope our relationship can overcome this. I'm just struggling with anxiety, trust issues, and don't know how to cope with feeling like he's still doing something he promised he wouldn't.

I also wanted to add that I don't know if he's considered an "addict" or not. I have no idea the extent, like how many times a day or anything like that. Also, while I don't think he is physically cheating or would, I'm also really anxious sometimes that it could turn into that because I read stories from other people who say that their partner is watching porn and also cheating, looking at dating sites, or chatting with other women online.

I understand that some people think porn is cheating and that is valid, however, for some people it is part of feeling aroused and it helps them have better sex. I have no idea how often he is looking at it, as that can be an issue. I wonder if a sex therapist could be helpful. Would you consider watching it with him, something that is directed by a female and less made up. I think you worry that he is cheating and I don't know if that fear is based on being cheated on in the past. But with this guy in this relationship, finding a therapist for both of you to talk to would be really beneficial. Sex is about trust and if you don't trust him than I wonder how you are viewing sex and if you are enjoying it at all, and how that impacts him, add on to that the porn and you two are probably not talking about this all openly and honestly. The cycle needs to change. Hugs.

@CKBlossom I don’t know how often he looks at it either. I also don’t think he’d be willing to try out therapy. He doesn’t openly discuss any aspect of it with me. He typically hides it/lies about it; however, I know some of that falls on me because he probably doesn’t feel like he can openly discuss it with me without me being upset. On the other hand, I’ve always told him I value honesty more than him being “perfect” or doing exactly what I want him to do. Personally, I have watched porn myself in the past but outside of relationships and if it was during a relationship it was at points when I wasn’t happy. Also, my religious beliefs compelled me to want to stop watching porn. My fiancé and I are both Christians. I’m not sure if that plays a large part in my issues with it, but I do know that for me, I hate the thought of him getting off to something/someone that isn’t me. I kind of view sex as something that should personal and intimate and only for us. It wouldn’t bother me for him to masturbate, I just would prefer it be to pictures/videos of me (which he has on his phone). And it’s not an insecurity thing. I don’t wish I looked like the girls he watches, it’s more of the violation of trust and feeling like it’s a form of cheating. I also know that not everyone views porn as cheating. Which is perfectly fine! It just personally makes me feel terrible when he does, and I wish he’d respect that boundary of mine. I don’t think he would cheat on me, I just struggle with anxiety so when I hear other women say how their partner’s infidelity started with porn I get irrationally concerned that it could one day lead to that… what’s really hurting me right now though is that he doesn’t seem to be happy with sex and I don’t know why. I never turn him down. I’m always open to trying new things. It never seemed like I was “bad” at sex. But every time he’s been in the habit of watching porn he treats me differently. Doesn’t touch me as much, doesn’t seem to appreciate anything physical about me anymore, has even turned down sex (not often but he has), starts to express more dissatisfaction with our sex life, and just doesn’t act as loving towards me in general. But when he doesn’t watch porn, he wants me all the time, touches me all the time, wants to have sex almost daily, compliments my physical appearance, hugs me and kisses me constantly, seems happier with me in general. And right now he seems to be acting differently towards me, so I start assuming he’s watching it again. And it’s difficult to talk to him about it. There’s not a good way to say that without it coming off as an accusation. Even if I don’t mean for it to be. He immediately gets defensive/mad/upset. Always denies watching it. And I’m just genuinely concerned if I can’t get past the anxiety or constantly “question” him about it, that it’ll just push him away to the point that our relationship won’t make it, which isn’t something I want to happen. At the same time, I’m also heart broken that it seems like he just isn’t in to me or doesn’t care very much about me right now. Sorry for the long rant.

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