I am feeling upset. I'm upset that people expect me to be ha

I am feeling upset. I'm upset that people expect me to be happy, and that they expect me to feel good with myself. Since childhood, I have been exposed to violence, bullying, anger, emotional and physical pain, mental abuse, etc. Growing up in a home where my father would beat and hurt a man to the point that he bleeds all over him in his own home, in front of his wife just because he broke my dad's side mirror, and present himself to his own children with a bloodied shirt, or being exposed to my mother breaking a full-sized mirror with an object she threw with the intent of hitting my father because they had an argument, or being exposed to my father and mother fighting and literally coming to shoves and he shoved her into the dresser and fought with her over a political fcking argument to the point where I and my three siblings had to be sent out of the room and were later told that we shouldn't "air our dirty laundry outside" (who the fck says that to a kid? after all of that? do you think we're going to ignore it? normal families don't have physical fights. Especially not in front of their young children. Especially not as many times as you've done.), or being exposed to my mother's careless manipulation on everyone around her, right down to my own father, instructing my sister to lie that she's crying so he'd feel bad and do something she wanted, etc. There are so many more things I could go through, so many more things I could mention, but the paramount stressor within all of this is the fact that these people still accuse ME.
Being taught all of this bullsht from a young age through exposure, finds me punching a wall in seclusion til my knuckles bleed because i'm frustrated and am denied any chance to deal with my anger normally because it's "rude" to ask to leave and calm down, or scream into my pillow, or frown, or EVEN BREATHE/EXHALE IN FRUSTRATION, but when i do a watered-down version of the things you've taught me, suddenly I'm bad. Suddenly I've taught MYSELF these things. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if I beat my mother until she bled all over my clothes like my father did to a poor random dude in front of his own wife, would you? but I didn't. I've seen the things that my mother and father do, and while my instincts normally force me within the blink of an eye to do similar violent things in the spur of the moment, at least I've never hurt anyone but myself. I don't beat up the people that annoy me like you do to people, and I won't grow up to hurt my wife or girlfriend like you do when you're angry. Even in normal days, words like "I'll beat you until you bleed" or "I'll break your head" or "you're a stupid child" or "I will injure you" or "idiot" or "when your friends see your wounds, tell them that it was inflicted because you are a bad child" or "fool" or "cow" or "you can't do anything properly" or "you're a pig" delivered with such force and harshness are commonplace in my family. They do all of these things, say all of these things, and teach all of these things, but they NEVER EXPECT ME TO EMULATE IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. It is the prime example of a hypocrite. These people are so freaking evil that they can do these atrocious acts and ask us to "not air our dirty laundry outside" and try to push the act of harming your WIFE in front of your CHILDREN under the rug. but if I so much as raise my voice at my mother who refuses under any circumstances to allow me to speak, I'm a bad person.

How am I expected to be happy? please explain. Knowing this, how can you ever expect me to smile a genuine smile and have a good outlook on life for one single day? it is not possible to do so. I just is not.

I'm sorry to hear what you had to endure in your childhood up to now. I'm very glad you shared this.
Do you still have to deal w your family judging and commenting on how you live 'now' as an adult? I assume you're an adult.
Sounds like your parents have never been in any kind of therapy for....anything?
Obviously they were experiencing horrific ways of expressing their stress by abusing you. It's one thing to do it 'unknowingly' and without proper mental health 'tools' but your descriptions suggest they knew EXACTLY what they were doing -actively choosing to constantly put YOU down to build themselves up. So much raw insecurity and NPD behavior....I'm amazed you have turned out to be a conscious & caring individual capable of seeing the past /present separately in terms of how and why it affected /s still.
If you are unable now to have any kind of conversation speaking of their actions, can you remove your having to 'interact' for a time and get a mental break?
It's a shame that they are in denial. A lot of parents have no idea how their relentless arguing, desperate tears, shoving, running out affects their kids. But to actually INVOLVE said individual kids as a source of your own da*n abuse...just NO.
It's 2022 and we are all aware of what that kind of nastiness can do to any child.
I hope you figure out how to get help so you can place this abuse in your PAST and see a new light, direction of Hope -you really deserve that.

1 Heart

@Littlesis7 Thank you so much for your kind words-- there’s really nothing I can do right now, The college I’m going to doesn’t have room and board, so I’m stuck with her until I can rack up enough money to struggle on my own. As for the therapy part: my family’s African, and they’re old, so they inevitably don’t believe in mental health as a concept. I’ve just been raw dogging the whole thing throughout, so continuing in this path until I can finally survive alone is my only option-- I’m only 18 so I’m technically an adult but not really in a sense.