I am going to get help

Yesterday I took my daughter swimming for the fist time. As I had her in my arms walking up the stairs to the water slide, I thought "what if I threw her over the balcony and she smashed her head on the deck below." When we got home, for some reason I was thinking about a lady down the block who yelled at Lindsey and I two years ago. I thought "I am going to stab and kill her son." This disease has taken control of my life again. I realized that every thought I have; running someone over, stabbing and killing someone, getting fired, all have the same result: me being alone in a jail cell or psych ward, disgracing everyone I know, being in the newspaper, and ultimately, losing everything. Why is that? Do I have this hidden fear of being alone?

Whatever it is, I need to get to the bottom of it. For the last week these thoughts have had 100% control over me. I pray, I make the sign of the cross, I cry for hours, I pace around the house. What's worse is I have graphic images of doing things to myself to just end it all. I picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and blowing my brains out and ending all this crap. I am smart enough to never do this, but it is clear from these thoughts that I am very depressed. And this time, I intend to not only seek help but persist with treatment.

I am 29-years-old and I have been plagues by these violent thoughts since I was 23. For the most part, the paxil has kept my depression at bay and I have been able to function. I have managed to become a successful teacher, friend, husband, and father. But every once in a while, I have a setback and I come whining and sniveling to people for reassurance instead of listening to my self-help books and previous therapists advice. That is not fair to any of my loved ones, as they have thier own stressors, nor is it helping me get any better.

I have a psychiatric assessment on Tuesday where the effectiveness of my medication will be looked at. I will then be referred to a CBT therapist. As I am writing this I am watching my beautiful 3 and a half month old roll over for the first time and talk to herself. I want to watch her grow without living in fear that I will go to jail and never see her again. She needs a strong dad, not once that crys and prays everytime he gets a violent thought. I realize this is probably depression talking, but I feel so weak and pathetic right now. My brain will not stop.

All I know is I have to will myself to get better. I just want to cry and lay in bed, but I can't. I need to learn some strategies to deal with these thoughts so they dont put me in a deep depression every time they come. I have to do it for my daughter, my family, and for me.

Glad your getting some much needed help, please let us know how your progressing as it does take time. We're here to listen if & when you feel like talking w/us.

Take care of you

April

Sounds almost like a male version of Postpartum Depression. It's not as common in men, but has been known to happen. As a female who has gone through PPD, it sounds remotely close to the thoughts I had for MONTHS after the birth of my oldest child.

I'm glad you are doing everything that you can to get these thoughts, images, and feelings under control. That alone attests to the wonderful father that you truly are.

Hang in Donnie

So glad you are taking care of yourself and getting the help you need. Please keep reaching out in any way that you need to. It's great that you're sensitive to others, but this is a time to accept patience, graciously from those who care. Your kids have a great dad -- it takes trememdous courage to face this kind of difficulty with honesty and determination.
CBT? That's cognative? Am I right? Sorry to be horrible with accronyms and nicknames. I think cognative might be really helpful. Having tools for getting clear when you're overwhelmed is vital. Ultimately, you'll have to decide what kind of therapy or combinations of therapy are best for you.
I am not lending anything other than just a suggestion of a possible theme here, but it almost seems like you are rather demamding of yourself -- possibly the whole jail metaphore is a sort of punishment theme. Many of us are way too hard on ourselves -- or not gentle enough with our own progress. It's just my first intuitive hit on the theme I hear when I replay what you've said, and also how you've said it. But we all have many complex motifs.

It wouldn't hurt to be extra kind to yourself -- whatever is going on, you are more than a string of letters, or a DSM III Code. You're a living, feeling, changing, evolving person. Sometimes the medications or solutions that worked during one phase of our journey don't remain as effective throughout the next. If Paxil alone, isn't enough right now, it's really okay to ask for alternatives.
You deserve to have the help you need.
At the risk of trivializing the way you're feeling -- and please, Please, know that's not my intent -- I hope you are giving yourself the basic-care stuff, like getting some fresh air; some exercise, if at all possible, And drinking a LOT of water. It's just that those small things can mean more when you feel awful. It's hard to think clearly without some occasional oxygen and hydration.
Crap, I'm sounding like a mom or a big sister, and that's not where I was trying to go, sorry.
I just know that sometimes the toughest part can be reaching out -- and continuing to. There are some really caring people here. You're taking the right steps.
Hang in.
em

I also have what are called intrusive thoughts about doing harm to others, those who are close to me, or not close to me. It's hard, it really is, but you have to try to fight those intrusive thoughts with tough thoughts to retaliate against them. Meaning when you have a violent intrusive thought like that you have to keep telling yourself everytime they intrude that this is just my OCD acting up that's all then move on to doing something else that you can focus on, whatever that may be at the time. Rather that be working out (which helps ALOT) or watching something you enjoy on TV, whatever it may be that brings you some level of comfort that you can focus on.

Also, tell yourself this is just my condition acting up that's all. What that does is show the part of your brain where those thoughts come from that hey, I am going to fight you and take back control of my life. Oh sure, yes, the thoughts will happen again, but the more you keep telling that part of the brain the things I mentioned of, the less prodound effect they will have on you. BUT you just can't do it once or twice and give up, it takes time, because your mind is use to a certain way of thinking and now it needs to be reformatted and disciplined into a new way of thinking and that does not happen overnight.

The tips I just gave you have helped me alot at times when I have those irrational intrusive thoughts like you mentioned. I still have my hard times, don't get me wrong, BUT they're not as hard as they use to once be when that would happen. I wish you well, and remember, that's YOUR mind, this YOUR life, not the OCD's. Take care!

yep, whenever those vile thoughts pop into my mind (rare these days, cos I tend not to hold new born babies much!!) I just tell the thoughts to piss off, and that’s it’s just the stupid OCD and I’m not mad or a bad person. Comforting though, to know that this happens to other people.

Hi everyone,

I saw my psychiatrist today, who I have not seen in almost 3 years. I explained to him exactly how I was feeling. That my obsessive thoughts are taking control of my life again, and that I have become quite depressed. We spoke for a while, he mostly listened, and afterwards he recommended that I increase my paxil from 30mg to 40 mg. I have also been referred to a psychologist who specializes in cbt.

I don't really know how I feel. For the last two days I have been diligently reading Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and working on fear hierarchies and imaginal exposure scripts. Just a little while ago, I just got that feeling again. I feel so down, like a zombie. I am violent thoughts and images over and over of stabbing that boy on my block, going to jail, never seeing my baby girl again. My mind is telling me "maybe you actually want to hurt that lady's son because she yelled at you and your wife." I know that that is my ocd, trying to analyze thoughts. I just felt I had some fight in me today, and now this feeling has completely overwhelmed me and all I want to do is cry and I keep thinking of ways to end it all.

But I am going to try and stick with the scripts and repeat them over and over like it says. Thanks all of you for helping me out over the last week. This disease is making my life nothing but agony, I need to do something.

Donnie

JUST KEEP ON WITH THE SCRIPTS, DO NOT STOP DOING THAT. WRITE DOWN EVERY HORRIBLE THOUGHT THAT YOU HAVE, TAPE IT AND LISTEN TO IT. IT HELPS, I AM THE LIVING PROOF.ACCEPT YOUR CONDITION, IT IS CHRONIC. IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY, IT WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.I HAVE A PURE OCD, TOO.IT HAPPENS SUDDENLY THAT I HAVE A HORRIBLE THOUGHT BUT I DECIDE NOT TO REACT TO IT.BAD THOUGHTS CAN HAPPEN WHENEVER THEY WANT BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REACT. WHEN THEY APPEAR DO NOT RUN AWAY FROM THEM BUT PAY ATTENTION TO THEM,TAKE A PIECE OF PAPER AND WRITE THEM DOWN. IT IS HARD, I KNOW BUT DO IT. IT WILL HELP YOU.DO NOT AVOID PEOPLE OR THINGS THAT SCARE YOU. GO THERE, SPEND TIME WITH THOSE PEOPLE WHO SCARE YOU, THOSE YOU THINK YOU WILL HURT, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT!!!!ALL THOSE THINGS THAT YOU SAY ABOUT LIKING HAVING OCD IS AGAIN OCD. YOU CANNOT TRUST YOUR THOUGHTS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT REALLY YOU. WHEN I REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS THAT WOULD COME TO MY MIND I CANNOT BELIEVE!!!!JUST KEEP WITH THE EXPOSURE TO FEAR. LOOK FOR ERP ON THE INTERNET AND FIND A THERAPIST WHO KNOWS MUCH ABOUT OCD:)

http://www.ocfoundation.org
PLEASE READ EVERYTHING THAT THEY HAVE HERE!!!

wow - I am new to this group tonight (I joined it in a desperate attempt to find our whether I can get help for my compulsive skin picking! when I discovered your post. It scared me, cos when my son was a baby (he is now 17) I used to have these horrendous images of me dropping him, or burning him with hot coffee!! I did have post natal dpression, and have 2 major depressive bouts since then (the most recent in June this year). I still to this day have those intrusive thoughts if I hold a baby! But I have never heard of anyone having these thoughts, so it is wonderful to read that I am not alone. I too am a successful and confident teacher. Wow, I am blown away that I am not alone. I always thought that I was just a nutter, and joke about it all the time! Take care, and have faith that you are not alone, and it doesn't mean you are going to hurt your baby!!
L