i am having a very hard time these last few days. I see a CBT therapist once per month (used to be weekly), my WW and I see a MC weekly, and two weeks ago , with agreement from my WW, i see our MC individually. These solo one on one sessions w the MC just wipes me out emotionally..... she says that I turn the anger I have at my wife inwards....we talked about my childhood...being bullied, being a fat little kid, having an alcoholic mother w anger issues.... she said as an adult, i don't need bullies, because I've become my own bully. i beat myself up about things...i tell the MC that i feel that I am weak and not a real man because I am still w my WW (8 ap in 15 months)... and it bugs me so much some days that I still love her, and that i still am in love w her...and i think...what kind of man am i? my MC says its not the adult me talking at that point...its the little fat kid who was bullied , who is talking at that point... self esteem issues have plagued me all my life. the MC says we are going to work on that. The MC says i am not being fair to myself for trying to find fault in myself for my WW actions. she says my WW is 100% to blame for the actions she chose...and that the multiple affairs were not about me...they were all about my WW. I asked the MC, if nothing changed in our relationship except me looking different...like a Brad Pitt guy, does she think that would have changed anything. The MC said..NO. it wouldn't have mattered. it wouldn't have changed anything. the affairs your WW engaged in were not a reflection of you, your looks or your worth. They were all a reflection of your WW lack of boundaries, her lack of impulse control, he lack of empathy and selfishness.
but none of that makes me feel any better.
I'm almost 50 years old...and right now, almost 5.5 months after DDay, i still feel like that little sissy fat kid who never did enough to protect himself.