I am just horrible...
There is no other way to describe myself right now. An utter failure. A mess. An emotional wreck. Sick. Tired. Weak.
I skipped breakfast, binged at lunch, threw up, binged after lunch, threw up, binged at dinner, threw up, binged after dinner, threw up, ate a little bit later in the night, threw up. Took laxatives - want to take more.
My stomach is growling it hates me so much. I am hurting myself so badly.
I have lost weight. And I HATE it but it gives me a perverse thrill, happiness, as if what I am doing is good????? NO IT IS NOT GOOD!!!
I want my mind to be normal again. I need people in my life to understand. I don't even know what my problem is anymore. I am flawed.
My therapist is giving me some clarity into the craziness of my life - but he is not a specialist in eating disorders, he said so.
My body won't be able to hold up like this. I am revolting. I try to do something good, I try to eat, and I fail. At something as SIMPLE as EATING!!!! EVERYBODY eats for gods sake, it is something necessary to live. My money is going to waste on food I intend to eat properly and just throw down the toilet. My body is taking a toll. My teeth hurt.
I need help.
Trying to make today a better day....
CC,
You are not horrible! You are NOT revolting. The ED is BOTH of those things! And the harder you fight to get rid of it, the tighter its grip on you. Remember that it's your ED behaviors which are leading you to further engage in ED behaviors. It's not YOU that's failing... It's the ED! Remember, too, that you are not your body. It is simply where you live. ♥ You need to take care of that house so that it will provide you with the means to move and breathe and laugh and cry and love! Being able to do all of these things, and more... That makes you pretty darn remarkable! ♥
Love,
Jen
Cc you are deffinatley not horrible the ed is difrently is I feel for you just haung on there as my therapist just told the road to recovery is full of good and bad day just now your beautiful and worth this fight I no it's feel hopeless when you try so hard but feel like you failed. Aren't eds horrible the ruin the most basic skill something your born with eating it should come naturally but it. Does notwork that way with we so frustrating your in my thoughts and prayers love leah
singin don't worry,
about a thing
cause
every little thing...
is gonna be alright!
i listen to "three little birds" by bob marley for cheersing up!
oh how i feel for you dont think of a bad day as failing the only way you fail is when you stop trying the road to recovery is long and winding and rough for us all and there will be really good days and really bad days but in the end there all just adding up to us being what we were before the ed healthy and living life to the fullest food will no longer rule our lives and thats what keeps me going on the days that i get down in the dumps the days that my ed just wont stop trying to break back through just try to think more postive thats the theory of relativity postive input equals postive output keep your head high there is a new day coming it may take a while to get to it but if it wasnt hard then no one would have a problem