I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!!!:)
I went Christmas shopping, put up my tree and had an intense discussion with my husband about my ED.
I am,like I said in my title - indifferent. I have no feeling towards anything right now. I went Christmas shopping, and put up my tree and had no warm joyful feelings at all. I am just going through the motions. I went for a run on Saturday and my husband freaked out at me. I am anemic and he thinks I am just going to keel over and die if I run. I thought I felt much better than I have in a while after my run - but what do I know. He tried to get me to eat more over the weekend too and I told him that I ate plenty. He got all upset and started asking me if I think about the future. I told him that no I don't. I don't think about much at all lately except for the fact that I am fat, am eating way too much, am not exercising enough, etc... He then goes on to ask me where I think I will be in the future if this keeps up and what will happen to our kids because of it??? I can't even think about that. I am not skinny, skinny. I am not having dizzy spells or fainting or anything like that. Nothing is going to happen to me because of this ED thing. That is what I am thinking right now. I could see if I lost another x amount of weight but not right now.
I am going to talk to a ED specialist on Wednesday and I don't even know where I stand on things right now. At first when I saw my family doctor and she said she was going to recommend me to this program I was all for it. I called every couple of days to see if the appointment had been made etc... When the specialist called me to set up the appointment I asked for it to be asap. Now, I could care less if I see her. I could care less if I get help now or not. I am hoping this is a brief feeling. All I feel I want right now is to lose more weight. If I could lose the weight I want then everything will be okay. Yes that is ED thinking at its finest but that is where I am at the moment.
I hate ED yet at the moment it is the only thing I want to cling to. It is what keeps me going. How stupid is that!!!!!
Thanks for listening.
Love and hugs to you all
Shana
hey shana, i'm sorry you struggle so much right now. but i totally understand what you are going through cause i'm exactly there at the moment. it's so hard to think about anything other than ED, food, losing weight etc.
i feel physically fine too, dont look skinny etc. yet, i know im full on in my Ed because it keeps me from feeling down and sad. well, it keeps me from feeling anything negative. but it takes all the joys too. and here i am not letting go of it anyway. i so feel you shana!!!
but i am really glad that you'll see that specialist. i think talking to someone about it all will help bring back some fight in you (at least that's what i hope for) because actually going to therapy will make you more aware of all the downsides of ED again. i'm sure your therapist won't let you forget them :-)
Dear Shana,
I am sorry you are having a hard time at the moment, Wishing you were not so scared! :( This is part of what to *expect [not that we look forward to this,] we have to see it as part of the challange ahead of us. About the indifference you mention note that to some extent all Humans go through moments in life in a numb state, So numb they later on often can not remember those moments at all no matter how hard they try to. You will snap out of it, I suspect. Now,
take a look at your *plate! -Just some of the items i see were served to you; and the demands it takes to digest them: 1 its Christmas [should be joyful]; 2 your excellent approach towards recovery from ed; 3 Your Family [all the demands]; 4 Your job; 5 your expectations of yourself (kind of goes back to #2 but not really)...; 6...; 7...; 8... This list just keeps going on and on....
I pray you hold on to your strenghts and keep firing up that fighting spirit I already seen in you.
Sending warm wishes, Ana
Well folks, I saw the outpatient counselor on Wednesday. things went pretty good. Of course it was the first appointment, but I am hopeful.
I had to do much explaining of my situation. I had to tell her what a typical day for me looked like in regards to eating. She said that even if I do not exercise I will lose weight because I am definitely not taking in enough calories.
I am not sure if I am at the point of 'wanting' change as much as before but I am going to try.
Shana,
so happy for you to have done this, Way to go!
I think focusing on wanting change when you know it won't make you better if you don`t is a way of distracting yourself from what's making you ``unhappy``. I understand where you're coming from thou, I'm my own worst enemy as well and unfortunately I can't escape myself. No matter where I go I am always still in my head. I have good days and bad days, but feel much stronger than I was a while back :)
please remember you are beautiful. Even if you can't see it all the time other's notice, i noticed :). Keep fighting there, get support off your family; good friends and professionals and try positive quotes to challenge the "voice". Stay strong!
xo xo
shana, thats great. i think all of us will have times during recovery when 'we don't want to anymore'. those are the times in which you have to remind yourself of what the ultimate outcome is of both sticking with ED or giving it up. the latter definitely will give you more!