I am looking for opinions to help me know if I am off base here. A quick background: 6 mos post dday, married 21 yrs, wife's 3+ yr affair. Things are normalizing a little and as the dust (initial shock) begins to settle I am left wondering where do we go from here? She is remorseful but that seemingly is where it ends. Yes, she is more involved at home and is more attentive to me but no more than what any spouse should be for their family. I am a, right & wrong, person. To me it feels like there should be some way for her to makes amends for her actions. I am not talking about going Kobe Bryant and buying me an expensive gift but something. It does not seem like some guilt/remorse and assuming her role in the family again is where it should end. I don't know if I can just shoulder the stress and start playing house again. How has it worked for those of you who are farther down this road than me? Thoughts?
Are you guys seeing a marriage counselor or seeking help individually from personal therapists? That would be my suggestion. What is it that you feel you are lacking from her? You say she is remorseful and is being more attentive but you still seem somewhat unhappy. Even 6 months out- it will take a lot more time to be in a good, safe place. You have been married 21 years and she has been in an affair 6x longer than you have been in recovery with her. Have you talked to her about how you are feeling?
I am just going through this but I have been reading a book called "Surviving An Affair" and it has been a big help. It focuses on reasons for the affair as well as reconciliation. One thing that it says is that you should never expect an apology. If she apologizes good, but there's a chance she wont. It's about how you carry on together, don't focus too much on the apology
@Sduff2016 for me I needed an apology. He was forthcoming with it several times. But if he wasn’t I would have told him I needed that. But everyone is different. I am just saying you need to try to get your needs met.
I second reading a book on healing after an affair. I am currently reading, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. It is really helping me understand and put things into perspective.
@Bas12 me and my husband read this together and underlined things and wrote notes in the margins. It really helped me to see what he wrote and what stood out to him. He would respond to open ended questions in the book or respond to some of the marks that i made. I swear the author was inside my head!
We are in counseling and I am reading Affair Recovery by Dr. Marie Cheour. Perspective is what I need. The other day I was explaining to one of our kids that, "if you break something, you are responsible to fix it." My wife was in the room and the irony almost knocked me over. I guess I don't see her fixing things as much as I feel is right. I appreciate your comments.
@Sisyphus Can she fix it? I would beg you to answer that question before going down this rabbit trail. I do not believe this is something that can be fixed. You either accept it and carry on or you are bound to be always looking for the “fix”.
Sisyphus, well I think that many times they don't make an effort to apologize sufficiently or make promises they should or reassure sufficiently because they are minimizing it . The guilt may be overwhelming more than they realize or they are trying to avoid the subject to take the heat off of them and try to just move on. Maybe they feel the less they talk about it the less they have to face what they did to you. If you need things from her, try to tell her. But not when things get heated. When I feel similarly, I ask him, can I talk to you for a few minutes about my feelings? I have explained to him that this is a way for me to get over this and move beyond it. Recently he said that he doesn't go out with his friends anymore because he doesn't want me to think that he is up to his old ways. I realized that and was kind of happy about it for a while. But I told him I want him to go out with his friends cause I don't want him to feel like a prisioner. But I don't want him to get into any trouble. But I was thinking about it and I was trying to imagine that he would go out with his friends and I might feel a little bit vulnerable.But I think that it is time I try to let him go and hope for the best. Hope I am being wise. I must tell you that things will get better as time goes on. But good communication will help that process. All the best.
@Teeny bikini Good advice. You are being wise. I am 4 months in and I know it will take a very long time for me to come close to anything resembling getting past this. I told my wife I am not going to bottle my feelings up and I told her I expect her to do the same. The topic of discussion might be painful at times and they might want to gloss over things because they can’t deal with it anymore but holding back your feelings is just going to lead to resentment, mistrust and sorrow. My wife’s affair wasn’t just a fling, she was invested in the OM 1110% and loved him more than she ever loved me. As hurtful as that is for me to say, it’s the truth. She came clean about the affair on her own and that showed me she wanted to set things right with me. She could have walked away. She could have stayed and buried the secret deep down. She chose to not keep that between us and work on making our marriage and love better than she ever had with him. The images of them together still haunt me on occasion but the deep love she felt for someone else is going to be the hardest part for me to overcome. I guess I am no different than anyone else who has been cheated on. I have never stopped loving my wife and can’t fathom doing this to her.
Well once she feels like you will be able to get by this it will be easier for her to come back and work through things. She has to know that your relationship is going to be OK. I know this is hard. I know this is unfair. But if you really wanted to work you have to begin right now to build a relationship that will grow stronger and be pleasurable for both of you and will last the test of time. It is baby steps. Work on your friendship. Ask her out for a date. She will be delighted if she knows that it's going to be something fun. She is probably Depressed over what she did and having it thrown in her face is causing her pain. Those things can all be worked out at a later date when you realize that you belong together. Right now that is iffy. So the first thing I would do is try to change that. When she realizes she Hasn't lost her best friend then things might get a little easier. I used to call my husband up and read him jokes over the phone. And that was at a very low point.
Sduff,,,,Really I wouldn't do a thing about it right now. Let her B where she is. She needs to think over what she did. She needs to cool down and realize that you have the right to be mad. She has to figure that out on her own,,,, Since she left Better this way than fighting. A little cooling off period Will not hurt. Also I would wait and let her come back to you. She has disrespected you. So she needs to show that she is willing to change and play nice. But if she doesn't come back maybe she's not worth the trouble. So sorry, buddy.
Well that's one thing I have already decided I am not chasing after her, nor will I be the first to talk to her. She has to be the one to reach out to me
Or above !! Haha! Sorry! Yes, wise at this point. Be your own best friend. If it was your child you would'nt want them to be disrespected in this way! No use running and chasing after someone who dumped on you!! Better off by yourself treating yourself well.
@Teeny bikini also what does it say that she is still fb friends with a lot of my family and that she still has all kinds of pictures of us, me, and the kids still up? This happened in my first marriage and that was the first to go.
Well I can't say I'm to the point that I wouldn't work it out. I still love her and it's my hope we can work it out.
i am 15 months post DDAY. she has been remorseful from the get go....open...no trickle truth...everything came out .... 2016 has been good..... i find the question on my mind these days, isn't so much what does SHE need to do for me.... but what DO I NEED to do for ME...and what do i NEED to do FOR HER...... one thing is...i am a far more open person and husband and partner. i know now, that its not my job to insure she doesn't cheat again...its HER JOB to insure she doesn't cheat ....its her job to tell me when she is upset or needs to talk or feeling emotional distress, just like its my job to tell her the same things when i feel and experience them. i see her doing her work...moving forward on her journey... we are on our own journeys, but we support one another these days....and we did not ever have that before.
@gettingintune you are very wise. You and your wife are going to get stronger and stronger. I love hearing these stories!!! Keep it up! You will get there. Stick around if you can and share some of your wisdom. ((Hugs for you and your wife))
It's just so confusing, I see the pictures, but her actions or lack of speak differently and it's driving me crazy
@Sduff2016 well don’t let it!! Go do something productive with your time. Join a soft ball league or plant a garden for a shut in. Help a neighbor. Exercise. Take a college course that is fun. Get in touch with your fun side. Exercise. Don’t drink as it is a depressant. Just my 2 cents.