I am new to this group. I just found out a couple of weeks

I am new to this group. I just found out a couple of weeks ago that after 10 years of marriage and being together 12 years, my husband says he is gay or bisexual. We did go to a therapist this morning and next week we break out in individual sessions. The therapist told me I needed to have a support group. This is difficult because my husband does not want me to tell anyone about what is going on and all of our friends are mutual friends. I am devastated, heartbroken, sad, mad, angry, hurt, feel betrayed along with a million other feelings right now.

1 Heart

Hi Cadodd, I am sorry to hear about that and understand your feelings. But try to put yourself in your husband's shoes. He probably didn't know he was gay when he fell in love with you. Many people have no idea because these are feelings that society represses. So one day it just comes out. He is just trying to be honest with you. With that information, you now can figure which steps to take together.

@josepedro That is what I thought as well, but during our appointment with the therapist this morning, he said he has known he was attracted to men. I just feel very betrayed right now. We both have a lot to work through and since I can’t talk to any of our friends and family, I am trying to find some support to try and work out some of my feelings right now.

this is a good spot to share your feeling and get feedback. Sorry he has not been able to share more with you.

@Griz75 I hope it is. if you know of any other support groups, please let me know.

@Caddodd01 I see. It is still difficult to acknowledge those feelings to yourself. He probably thought that since he loved you and he didn't act on those feelings he wasn't betraying you.

@josepedro that’s possible

This is a difficult situation, but not impossible. The question is, does your husband want to act on these feelings? I am a married bisexual man. I am completely faithful to my wife. She was aware of my experiences with men when we got together but always chalked it up as a phase in my life and didn't think much else about it. I told her not long ago that I was bisexual and still had "desires" at times. This really shocked her and put her off. She said some rather hurtful things and we stopped having sex. I think she felt the same way you do but we continue to talk. I told her I have always been faithful to her and would never cheat but wanted to be open with how I feel for my own emotional health. Things are improving and we both still love each-other very much. I still watch gay/bi porn and my wife seems to love the Japanese train grope porn that does't really get me off so she watches hers on her own and I watch mine (we used to watch porn together). She has been unfaithful to me, and we have worked past that in our relationship. I hope that in time, she will see that me opening up about how I feel never changed the person she fell in love with or how I feel about her. There is nothing wrong in being attracted to other people. Getting married doesn't make feelings like those go away but getting married does mean you made a choice to commit to that one special person. I will pray for you and your husband and hope that you continue to talk through your feelings. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger and this isn't something deadly. <3

Are you hurt because he didn't tell you before, or are you hurt that he is bi? If the latter, what are you afraid of? There are lots of hurtful myths about bi people not being faithful, but they aren't true. For example, (I saw someone else use this allegory on here but I can't remember who) imagine if a straight man married a short woman, but for some reason had a thing for tall women as well. He could either choose to have affairs with tall women, or be faithful to his wife, whom he loves. No one would assume he would cheat simply because he found tall women attractive, would they? But for some reason, they assume bi people cannot be faithful because we are also attracted to the other gender. Strange, isn't it?
If the former, know that he didn't mean to hurt you. Your husband chose you as his life partner, and he loves you. This time might be hard for you, but keep in mind that his coming out to you was an act of ultimate trust. He trusts you not to betray him. He may not want you to tell your other friends because he is afraid of ridicule and losing friends, and his safe place is you. Coming out is hard, even in a very open-minded group. (I didn't come out to my parents for a year after realizing I was bi, and I did it because I had asked a girl to a dance and needed to. :| )
I would advise you stay open with him, and trust that he has your best interests at heart unless and until he proves otherwise. (and no, coming out to you does not prove otherwise.)

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@Emma490 I honestly don’t care that he is bi. I feel he betrayed me because he didn’t tell me before. I am also hurt because now he doesn’t seem to know what he wants. He don’t want me to tell anyone but At the same time he wants his space to figure himself out while I just sit back and wait. He says he is confused and doesn’t know up from down right now. We have a break from each other this week because of his annual business trip for work. When he left yesterday it just felt like the end. I haven’t talked to him nor have I texted him but he has texted me several times today and I have just kept my responses very short and to the point. He wants his time but still reaches out to me. This confuses me more. Is he just reaching out to make sure I haven’t told his secret or is he reaching out because he misses me or is he reaching out to make sure I haven’t left?? I have tried to be supportive and open but he has no idea what he wants right now and that is the tough part.