I am overwhelmed. My husband of 20 years, my best friend for

I am overwhelmed. My husband of 20 years, my best friend for 24 years, cheated on me multiple times with a woman in town, and also told women on fb we were separated so they would meet him and makeout with him. He had the main affair off and on 5 times over an 18 month period. We had been in a rough patch. My dad had died, 2 of our pets died. His grandma died. Covid hit. I am front line healthcare. I was depressed. I didn't make him feel "wanted". I seemed "uninterested and listless". And instead of working with me, talking to me, doing something about it, he took the coward's way out. He made me think we were going to be ok. But he kept sexting people, screwing that woman, he even bought boob pic off only fans (I caught him). It was a friend of someone he knew- he said 'it's like porn' and I said um NO, not when there is one degree of separation to knowing the person! NOT OK! He did watch porn a fair amount, and he blamed that on our opposing schedules and the opportunity for sex. Then once he started seeing that woman, she was intent upon being his "one and only". I have the texts, it's disgusting. She was undermining my marriage very actively. Thankfully my state allows alienation of affection law suit with criminal conversion. I'll deal with her later once I am feeling better.

And here's the thing. He injured himself and has chronic pain. Sometimes he had arm pain or back pain. I tried to be mindful of that and now he says I am partially to blame for his straying. That's complete utter BS. He said to me that he had been depressed, had ED, he even secretly got viagra, and he said his OCD made sex not even enjoyable while he was cheating. Sometimes he couldn't finish or whatever, and when he did it wasn't something that felt good, but rather "something to get over with". He said he did it because he was miserable, didn't think I wanted him, and found this woman who oozed all over him and made him feel appreciated. She thought they were "in love", but he was creeping around on fb for the next sex high. Didn't matter if it was screwing or everything but, he admitted there was "excitement" to it. My head is spinning.

To top it off, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder on top of his ADHD and OCD. We had a talk yesterday about the fact his bipolar and others had nothing to do with his choices. He knew they were wrong. He had urges, and when he was manic he just gave in to them because he wanted to and liked how it felt. He says he is an addict, I agree. He is addicted to cyber sexting, to porn, to the chase. He has lost his family, his teen kids now pity him and want nothing to do with him. He says he has low self esteem, is taking lithium, and wants to work on himself to be a better person and to be able to be a healthy partner. I don't know what to think. I love him. I'm hurt. I don't trust him. I miss him. Can he conquer this? Has anyone here done these things or been in my shoes and it worked out? I am looking for straight talk. I wish I could have hope. I am just at a total loss, everything i thought our future was is now up in the air, and there are lies, and betrayal, I hate it. I just hate it.

Question, do you want to reconcile with him? Do you love him? Are you willing to work through this?

@CKBlossom I love him, I miss him…but how to build trust? Is it possible? He says that this time apart will give us a chance to work through our feelings (agree) and we are starting counseling in a couple weeks. I’m just all over the place. One minute I am mad as h#ll, next I am crying calling him, next I am just sad. I hate what has happened. He thinks it could be a chance for us to have a stronger relationship by dealing with all these things that got in the way. I wish I could trust that, and also get comfortable in not knowing what is going to happen.

@CKBlossom I didn’t say he was enthusiastic, it was a way to reframe how to work through this. He has to work on himself, his issues. I have to work on me. There will be an overlap, and whether or not we can build a stronger relationship remains to be seen. It’s too early to call, and I don’t trust anything. I guess my point is I am not ready to give up but I am ready for him to own his actions and take responsibility for his recovery.

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