I am really insulted by how BDP family support groups portray us

Hello everyone. I have recently been diagnosed with BDP and have been doing extensive research into it. I do go to therapy, i am doing the dialectical behavior therapy as well as taking medication. What I have read about BDP in wiki makes perfect sense in a non judgmental way... However, before i stumbled onto this support group, I went to a couple of sites for BDP family members and partners so I could send some information my family's way. But OMG! I have never been so insulting! The literally make us sound like manipulative horrible people! Like everything we do is just to get at the other person to make ourselves feel better and I am infuriated. Here are some exerts talking about having a relationship with a BDP woman:

"...In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she is a master at portraying herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her peculiar emotional invasion advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her." Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder.

But, if like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.

But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.

It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman. But she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.

Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary."

What IS this? Why are we villianized to people that have such little idea about what we are going through and are just looking for support? Everything I have read basically says: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! Leave this person immediately before they destroy you!

I don't understand this thought process, especially coming from a psychologist. We are just sick people that need as much love and support as anyone else dealing with a mental illness. Why are we being condemned in this way? It is utterly infuriating.

hon

i dont think they mean it to be as bad as it reads, but sadly in some exteem cases this is how it is for those of us that have loved ones with any type of mental health problem we read the worst and feel comforted that our child/partner/friend dont have it to that point.

but it is frustrating for the one suffering to read the only advice is to get away fast, but please remember that is just one persons take on the illness not the way it has to be, for many there is a rational normal place that exists and coexists within the parameters of the illness

but i must allso state that all mental health illnesses have come a long way since my daughter was diagnosed and that the taboos are lifting all the time so dont loose hope it might be better to see if your family can attend an appointment to ask questions about the illness rather than look on the net for advice for them,

hope i havent infuriated u with my reply

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

I can just hear my partner saying "why isn't it ever enough for you" but that's the only part I get out of this article that sounds fair. Okay maybe the person is refering to an extrem case but your right it does make us sound horrible. Don't let it get you down though not everyone runs away. I've been in a relation ship for 20 years. It takes work but we expect it to go on and on.
DBT is very helpful keep working and you'll see it does help. Remember this is one persons point of view.

Thanks everybody. It's just so insulting because when you type into google borderline personality disorder support this is the FIRST website that pops up and this is one of the first articles that pops up. I posted on their blog and they seemed not to notice the cruelty in this issue.

I know. I am with a great person who supports me and understands, i just got really upset about being demonized on the internet.

@mikosflower
Mikosflower, I agree with you. The situations they used, like the Coast guard , seemed unnecessarily evil. I highly doubt if everyone with your type of mental illness is that way. I’m terribly depressed and as soon as someone hears that they start looking at me funny or asking how suicidal I am. I’m not suicidal. Not all depressed people are suicidal any more than that horrible article describes you.

This reminds me of a funny story, totally off the subject but connected too. When I hit the ripe old age of 40 I went into full blown menopause. I had been having hot flashes for years but now total menopause. I went to the book store looking for any book that could address early menopause and any health problems or special effects I should be on alert for. I found one book who’s author was head of the American Gynecologist Association and had a ton of credentials who went on to explain that the biggest concern of women who entered early menopause is they " often felt like circus freaks, no longer a woman but not a man". I started laughing so loud My son and a clerk came running over to see what was going on. Needless to say I didn’t buy that book.

This sounds like it was written by someone who was hurt by someone with BPD. It does not sound like something written to help those dealing with family members who have it. Articles like this are more likely to break up relationships than to help them.

I think my ex has a personality disorder (he was diagnosed as such once, but had no treatment). During one of our times apart, it soothed me to read about The Evil That These People Do. Later, reading even the sympathetic lists of BPD symptoms back, I could see a huge amount of myself reflected in them. I don't have delusions (as my ex did) but so much else fits. I'm autistic, and I think all this is damage from growing up in a world so ignorant about autism. Anyway I have long felt that the people who post so much hateful stuff about people with personality disorders are blind to their own emotional problems. If you hook up with someone who has severe emotional damage, then it seems to me that you must have your own damage: this is co-dependency - "I love you and I have you everything so why won't you turn into the person who can make me happy?"

I prefer the term Emotional Disregulation Disorder, because that's more accurate: being so battered by life that your emotions are in a huge mess, and so your relationships are, too. "Manipulative" is a joke. People in pain are just people in pain. If they hurt people they love, that's not manipulation.

Being autistic, I have also seen these hate-pages about autistics too, usually by women who claim their lives have been "ruined" by autistic husbands. Co-dependency again: the rage of the disappointed. Yes, they have a right to feel anger and pain. But it'd be better to deal with their own role in these relationships. Unless someone is violent, physically or emotionally (ie, constant insults and belittling) then both parties are equally responsible for what goes on.

I'm in a relationship now, if you can call what we have going a real "relationship". The poor guy.. He tolerates a lot, and I can't be what he needs. Not that I don't want to... I just can't. I COMPLETELY understand where you are.

The best non-judgemental resource has been borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com run by NEA BPD. They even address the stigma within the mental health community. My suggestion? If you start reading something that upsets you, stop. Maybe you can handle it, but I can't. I already feel enough self-hatred to read things that make me feel my self-hatred is justified. And besides BPD is different in every person. Just because that was one woman's story doesn't it mean it yours. And even if it is, you didn't ask for it. It's not your fault. And just because they are your family doesn't mean they need to know everything about you. Some people will not understand. Stigma will never fully go away. But that's life. Sorry, it just deeply hurts me for people to feel hurt by the very things that are supposed to help them.

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