I am scared

I am scared. That is all I can express. I am scared. lonely. lost. sad. depressed. afraid. want to cry. want to be held.

I have been alone at university for the first time. My freshman year my boyfriend lived in the building over. This year I went to a separate branch campus for my major so he is over 1 hour away. It was the first time in 2 weeks that I saw him for the whole weekend.

It was a great time. I had something to look up to all week. I ate well. Followed my meal plan. Found balance for the first time since I even started my meal plan. When I saw him I did break down, let all the bad feelings out, expressed my fears and I just cried. And everyday after got better with him.

Today I said goodbye. I know 2 weeks isn't long...but for me it is. Out of the 3.5 years we have been together, this is the furthest we have lived apart. Like I have said so many other times he has always been my support, my rock, my reason. And when he is torn away, I feel so weak, so alone, so sad... I know you all probably think I am just whining and should get over it. I know I should. I just can't help thinking this way. He had gotten me through so much- all my ED problems in the past. If I ever had a melt down, he was there in five minutes. But now that just isnt possible. I don't want to loose the footing I just found. I feel as though I could trip and fall at any moment.

I hate crying. I just want to cry though all over again. I didn't think after friday I would ever want to cry again. I am scared of the outcome. I am scared that he is not here. I am scared of falling. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of life.

I just keep telling myself, one day at a time, just got to get through one day at a time.

allee

Allee,

I feel the exact same way about my boyfriend. Days when I know he can't be there for me are the toughest days. I find myself sad and lonely, and more tempted to go against things and the ED is stronger.
But what I try to hold onto is the fact that even though he's not there, I am still tied to him. He may not be with me, but that doesn't mean he's stopped thinking about me, and doesn't want me to get better; and he's ALWAYS in that special place in my heart...I can feel it. It makes me want to be strong for him. Strong so that when I can see him, I can tell him to good news of my progress.

I find one good thing I ask myself when tempted to do something the ED wants is, "What would John (my boyfriend) think if I did this right now?" And almost always the answer is that it would make him sad and worried. He'd never get mad, but I hate worrying him.
I also find that making a promise to him helps. I'm a person who HATES breaking a promise and inevitably lying, so I find making promises to John helps. I've promised him that whenever I feel like my ED is too strong, I'll tell him (usually via text) and he works it out with me. I've also promised him that I'd try to eat properly every single day.

Now that you're on your own it's your chance to show to boyfriend how strong you can be! Because I know you are. Take a look at these two weeks and think about all the progress you can make and celebrate with him the next time you see him! Think of the happy times you'll share together. It will also prove to yourself how strong you can be without him; how you're able to make the right decisions without him right by your side...and believe me it's quite empowering. Hard at first, but it's worth it to say "Yes, I really can do this on my own"
This separation will be hard, but remember it's temporary; and if all goes well you'll come out stronger and more confident because of it :)

And one last thing...crying is never a bad thing. I cry all the time and it lets out so much pent up emotion. So Allee, if you need to cry...let it out. You'll find you feel much relieved afterward.

Always here for you!
Paige xoxo

Paige, Thank you so much for being such a great friend here! You always have the right thing to say. I am the same way with promises. I hate breaking them, always have, and of course lying. I was always one of those people afraid of getting into trouble so lying was always a no no. But my ED changed those habits in a secretive way. But I will try the promise thing, that sounds like a really good promising way to go about staying strong.

I like how you text your boyfriend about things that trouble you. I also tend to do that. Yet a really hard thing for me to do is express my feelings. Like crying, its just so hard for me to do openly. Its taken my boyfriend so long to even get me this far and I still try to open up but its just extremely hard for me. It normally takes me a while to open up to him about my ED bothering me. I know thats bad. Its not that our relationship isn't good, its just how I was raised. I am trying to change my ways. I will make a goal for this week to tell him if I am having a bad day or trouble with something via text messaging or skyping.

Does anyone else have trouble opening up to their significant others about ED related things? I know this also sounds bad but I can't do it in person. It is SO HARD for me to talk about it to him in person. I always cry. I just break down when its brought up. Today however I did talk about it a little in person when he left so thats always a positive improvement!

Thanks a bunch paige for the suggestions! I hope everything is going well

allee

No problem Allee :)
I too had problems opening up at first to him...it took me months to make the progress I have now. But even when it started out at me admitting it once a week (when I struggled everyday), it made it a little bit easier to do it next time; because he never rejected me for my feelings. I often felt guilty for talking to him, and making him worry/ bringing down his day, but the more I did it, the less severe the feelings were. Granted I had days where everything was just too hard and my feelings and my day was terrible (and I still do), but we work through those too; and those days have become less and less. But again, this is over a span of about 6 months...and at first it was always over text, never in person.
Little steps :)

Paige xoxo

Dear Allee,

I know it's hard to be ripped away from any support--be it a significant other, a parent, a sibling, a friend... but you have the strength to do this, and your boyfriend is still their to help. But ultimately it's YOU doing this hard work, and you can do it! That doesn't mean it's wrong to need help, but please try to remember the incredible strength and power you have within you.

Nothing wrong with crying; do it as often and as much as you feel like you need or want to. I know it's no fun, but it can be good for you, too. And you're not weak for doing it, either; it takes a strong person to be able to express their emotions, as you well know.

Also, remember we're all here for you. If you ever need/want to talk about being at college, struggling with the ED, and feeling alone, please feel free to message me!

Hang in there!