Today is my first day posting on this type of site. I posted a long message earlier but I think I didn't do it in the right place. I think I wrote on someone elses post named Princess. Anyway, I will post it again. I am verbally abused but the abuse is not extreme. He doesn't call me names and there is no physical threat. He gets angry at the drop of a hat. He starts yelling and gets sarcastic and mean and gets irrational. Then an hour later he can be sweet and loving and then later that day be mean and snap again. I have been with him for 5 years and we live together. He doesn't take any critisism well and usually gets very angry and bullies and intimidates me into backing down. The same thing happens with if I disagree with him on almost anything.
I have considered leaving many times. I have gotten him to admit he has anger issues and that he sometimes is out of line in the way he talks to me. He promised to read some anger management books he has, but doesn't follow through. He has improved only slightly in the abuse. We are too poor for counseling in normal channels. I finally found a intern counselor that is on a sliding scale. I am scared to ask him to pay for even $50 for the first session and $30 for subsequent sessions. He pays all our bills except I pay for our groceries which is all I can afford. I am also scared to open up in counseling for fear of the verbal abuse wrath that may follow. Does counseling actually work in these situations? He is 50 yrs old and I wonder if he can change even if he wants to. I do have a friend offer me her guest house to live in if I decide to leave. I'ts so hard to leave when he is great in many other ways. I am miserable the way things are. I never know when the mean ugly anger is going to rear its ugly head. I'ts changing me as a person. I feel blank, hopeless, and I don't enjoy life anymore. I have to go and will check back in about 45 min. I appreciate any feedback. Thanks, Laura
Hi Laura, welcome to Support Groups, thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing. In reading your post, it truly resonated with me, because I was with a man who seems like a carbon copy of what you described above. He's 51 years old now and I ended things with him 6 months ago. I really thought that he could be the one and I continually allowed the good moments to out-weigh the bad. But, the bad was very very bad. He even admitted to having issues and told me time and time again "I am very difficult and you are just too nice". He told me that I was "too nice" like it was such a bad thing. We went away on an international trip for 10 days and that was my total breaking point, he never laid a finger on me, but did raise his hand to me. He would get irate at the drop of a hat, but then be so loving moments later. It was very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
If he hasn't changed in 5 years and is 50 years of age, I wouldn't wait around for him to change. You are not living, you are in a prison with this man, walking on egg shells around him, because you don't know how and when he will react angrily. Please know that I have been there and when I ended the relationship it was still so hard, but I had such strong supportive family and friends who kept pushing me out and away from him and in the right direction. It took me a few months to totally be over it, but now that I am out and away from it, I can't believe that I ever allowed myself to be in such a situation.
I promise you that you can get out and away from this man. He needs to completely work on himself and if he proves that he's changed down the road, then it may be worth giving him another chance, but not now. You have a wonderful opportunity to go live with your friend, please take her up on that opportunity. And, don't allow him to convince you to do otherwise. Please know that I am here for you and here to help you through this.
Hi puppydoglvr,
Thank you for your post. It means a lot to me. My father was bipolar and never got medication and so I grew up with the mood swings that included anger as well as depression. I never suspected my fiance to have it because he doesn't get depressed, that I can tell. Also, his mood changes were not so quick, they were a few days or a week or two not hours. Recently someone told me that they wondered if he was bipolar and they heard it can be different. I will try to check into that, but I will be busy in the next few days. Have you heard of bipolar being anything like my fiance and your x? Could medication possibly help?
Thanks, Laura-S
If you want my honest opinion, I think that these guys have attitude and anger issues. I know for certain that my ex was not bipolar, he was just awful, selfish, self-centered; it was his way or the highway. There is no excusing that type of behavior. I know people with bipolar and I am not familiar with bipolar going along with how you described your fiance's behavior, but then again I am not a doctor. So, if you are concerned, it's worth getting him checked out.
Please know that I am here, I know that this time is not easy, but I have been with this type of character firsthand so I know what it's like.
Hi Puppydoglvr,
I think you are right about not being bipolar. I just did some research on line that seemed to confirm what I already knew about bipolar from my dad. My fiance rarely gets depressed, if so, its a 2 days a year and not bad. He doesn't have that manic high on life mood either. He's an angry *** half the time and loving, fun and supportive the other half. It's funny that you used the Dr. Jeckle & Mr Hyde comparison. I have thought that same thing many times. The hard part is leaving the good part. I am 95% sure he won't change enough for the long term to make the relationship healthy. There is that part of me that feels guilty for not giving him the option to go to therapy. However the majority of my feelings are leaning toward the fact that really telling him my feelings will just lead to a hellish life of more severe abuse in response to confronting him on his behavior. I have a feeling that the result in one years time would not be much improvement, if not worse. What if I'm wrong?
If I decide to leave him soon, my best time is Memorial weekend. We are planning to drive out of town to visit his family for a birthday a few hours away. The plan is to leave Sat. and come back Tues. One option I am thinking of is to pretend to be moderately sick and tell him to go without me and to take my car to save gas. I then could have all weekend to pack and use his truck to take all my things to my friends place. I'm not sure what I should do about the part when he get's back. I could just write a long letter explaning everything. However I have always heard that break ups should be in person and it's wrong to just leave a note. I imagine him shaking and crying alone reading it and in shock when all my stuff is gone. That makes me feel sick and horible. However, I'm horrified of telling him in person. Could he completely loose it and do something I would have thought him capable of? This sucks. I am pretending that things are mostly ok. I have been pretending every day for 8 days when something snapped in me and I felt this strong feeling that I just wanted out! Sorry for the long letter. I hope I am not a burden on you.
Thank you soooo much for communicating with me. If you don't have time to write me anymore, just know you have done so much for me already and I appreciate it. Laura
Laura, first and foremost please don't ever apologize, I am totally here for you and here to help you through this. I am going to be here for you every step of the way, please know that. Write as often and as much as you need, it's healthy to get everything out and also helps give me more insight.
Under any normal circumstance, I would say that you should end it in person, though in this case he doesn't deserve that and I fear his reaction. He needs to take a big step back and realize his faults, which he clearly doesn't. When I ended things with my ex, I ended them over the phone in fear of his reaction. These men are unstable with their tempers and you just don't know what he will do. Your safety is number one. I absolutely think that you should move out Memorial Day weekend. Do you have family and friends who are supporting you through this and can help you move?
Also, he needs to want to change and he needs to want help, you can't force that. I always say that you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink. Why should you suffer, why should your life be a prison, why shouldn't you be carefree and happy? Who is he to put all of this negativity on you. What right does he have to make your life a living he'll, where you're walking around on eggshells. It's not fair and it's not right. Let him wallow in his own misery. I know that once you break away from him completely, a beautiful new chapter of your life will begin.