I apologise in advance for the length but in order to unders

I apologise in advance for the length but in order to understand I want to give an accurate picture. I will try to be brief. So much more has happened than the below, really bad stuff and if you would like to know please ask.
Here I go…I have been with my husband for over a decade. Throughout the years we had many ups and more downs. After the birth of first child he wouldn’t touch me for over a year and never gave a reason until he decided to want to sleep together again. After that we tried different things sexually, none which I liked very much so they didn’t go many places. But I did things to least try it. Through you the years we had dry spells, times where he would tell me he was leaving. He booked flights but “missed” them and never actually went anywhere and we just plodded along for those “good times”. He worked until first child was two and then I got a full time job so we could afford bills. Not even a month later he quit his job and decide to follow his dreams of being a salesman. A month later he quits that to do at home work. Quits that to do poker, then karate, German, NLP, etc.
He wasn’t in paid work for over 5 years and I supported him and our child, as well as funding whatever “scheme” he was on. He would say I didn’t cheerlead him enough and I was an elastic band and wouldn’t change. Meaning I need to be thinking differently than the other 97%, NLP, 10 feet from gold or whatever that book is called kind of thinking and changing. Anyways, I will admit sometimes I would be annoyed or angry or resentful that I went out to work and there he was home all the time. But I kept it up, worked two jobs to afford things, seriously worked hard to get out of being unbelievably poor. Anyways, during all those years again we had good times but many bad times. He always stayed, even though he would tell me he was done and I feel I always tried to change but it was never enough and he said I would go back to being negative, not sexual enough and worrying so we would have the bad times. I would say he didn’t talk, engage or act as though he wanted me most of the time. He told me so many times he was leaving and done. So fast forward through the years and I have an affair. He found out during lockdown, after affair had been over for months. I took a while to tell him the full truth because honestly, I was wanting to leave him but it was just bad timing of a pandemic and we had the chance to really talk and connect. So when he found out, one of the biggest reasons I stayed is because of his reaction. I had never seen him so vulnerable and open with me and hurt that I may not be with him. Yes, he was nasty after, so was I. We had “hysterical bonding”, good days, bad days. He would always ask for more and more details which, like I said took ages to come out because I had built up such a wall and image of him from the years of bad times. It took ages to let him back in to myself and feel supported to let him know how bad my anxiety is, I didn’t even know until this past year. But like I said his reaction was so surprising because I swear I thought he wouldn’t have given a **** if I did have an affair. He hates where we live, has no real friends and is unsuccessful when he swore he would be. But he did care, he was so hurt and showed how much he loved me, he even proposed. After he proposed I told him the final thing about the affair because I had been so honest with everything but that detail and now he had proposed and we were being so open I had to tell him. I did something with the person I had the affair with that I have never let him do. He was enraged. That hurt him more than anything and he was just angry and nasty but through counselling we eventually we found our way. During the months prior to counselling he kept asking me to do sexual programming. Something I don’t like and didn’t want to do. But eventually I saw how it could help him and started to do it. It had to stop short of the month long he needs as he became unwell. I picked up more things, planned our wedding, worked full time and our child. During this time he was down, he pulled away from college and stopped attending and focused on another “business” he is doing now. I understood it all and never once complained about it. I supported it and even gave him the idea to change college courses for this year. Anyways, after the wedding a week or so later he had a “trigger”. I didn’t know this was a trigger as it was a question someone asked him that lead to a follow up question with me and the affair. I answered it and that was it. He became more moody and tetchy so things boiled and we had an argument. When I cooled down I realised it was an affair trigger so I apologised and he told me thank you for showing understanding. That night I decided to start the 30 days sexual programming again. First night great, second night I tried something he didn’t like and he was annoyed the next day because of it and I ruined his programming orgasm. The third night I tried so hard but I had been slipping into depression for a few weeks now. I had let my husband know I was and how I was feeling but understood his feeling in a funk and would express this to him via talking and messages. Anyways, I tried but he stopped me during it because it was obvious I was depressed. Next day he said he couldn’t be around me if I couldn’t do the programming. We kept fighting about that because I was just so, so depressed I couldn’t do that or hardly anything. Then it got onto me being understanding of his triggers. Because he has been so mean and nasty the past few weeks he said that was a trigger from the affair and basically it’s okay the things he said and how he acted. I disagreed to being treated that way and said I was understanding of triggers and will do programming when i look after my depression. He then left for two nights in a hotel, came back and we had more fights because I still disagreed with how he treated me and that I didn’t understand his triggers. He kept saying it didn’t matter that I “did” show understanding recently because I didn’t for months after the affair. I said why did you even marry me and he said why did I let him propose? He booked travel to leave me and then as it got closer and I agreed we needed time apart he changed his mind and said he doesn’t want time apart. Now he says I’m pushing him away because I didn’t agree to time apart when he said it and it is on me. He has said that if he goes away he will most likely sleep with someone else and maybe not return. He said now he can wait until I can do the programming but I need to stop my “narcissistic tendencies” and show understanding of his triggers. I swear, I am not narcissistic at all. So, I disagree on that too. He is annoyed I disagree and when I talk he stops me as he says I talk bull**** and basically because of the affair I had then I should expect this behaviour and life. That without me, we wouldn’t be here and he wouldn’t act like he does or say what he does. I can agree with that to a point but no one held a gun to his head to say “I do”. In my eyes he needs to take responsibility for his actions and behaviour at this stage. But I am so seriously confused because he tells me all the time that I am a narcissist, gaslighter and manipulative. And that I don’t realise how I am and that my “anxiety” is actually me being a narcissist. And that my mom is a big factor and I need help. I’ve had counselling before and with him. I don’t think I am all of that but what if I am? What if I really am that horrible and I don’t see it? Just this week we had counselling but he completely blew up and left the session. I can’t see my therapist until a few weeks and I just need some outside thoughts. That’s why I’ve written this because I need help and outside views. I know what I did was a horrible thing, to the man I love but I have tried to make up for it. I didn’t do the one thing he asked (sexual programming), because I don’t like it but eventually I did it and would again, even though I hate it. But he is so angry about the affair, even now and I just don’t know anymore. The things he says to me are just horrific and I don’t know if I should accept it because I had an affair.
Happy to answer any questions and give more specific examples of any conversations etc. Thank you if you have read this far.

1 Heart

I apologize, but what is sexual programming?

1 Heart

@Soul4me sexual programming is where I do sexual acts, sex etc and talk/act/etc about the affair in a sexy, enticing way so when he cums he can program his brain to like it. This was not recommended but anyone, he has said it is what will help him.

I am so sorry but he sounds to be An extremely toxic partner. Whatever you believe you love Might sadly be more based on desire vs reality. I have Been in situations similar to yours so i speak from experience, not judgement. He is likely the narcissist who is gaslighting you and you sound like you may have a form of Stockholm syndrome (idolizing an abuser). Watch his actions and ignore his lies. He sounds to be a great manipulator, able to make you feel guilty for all of his bad behavior. Individual Therapy is best for you alone. Couples therapy will not help and waste more of your time with a chronic liar. Domestic abuse hotlines will give you great support but call without your partners knowledge. Best wishes for your recovery. Al anon type groups will also provide support regarding enabling and codependency.

3 Hearts

Thank you all for the comments. I worry that I am portraying him as this awful person but I am also worried that he is that. What I have said is the truth and not even the full picture. He has told me I haven’t earned his respect as a girlfriend, fiancé or wife. He said that if he says a backhanded comment I need to be understanding of it because I had the affair. It’s a year later, we have gotten married since then. Surely I am in my rights to say no to his tyrant of anger? Or, because I cheated and it’s just a year past, should I shut up and make up?

1 Heart

@Worriedalways@Worriedalways I’m assuming you gave an accurate description of some of your husband’s behaviors, that doesn’t mean you made him into an awful person. Don’t feel bad for telling the truth. Like I said he’s abusing you. There’s something wrong with him.

Call the police and or Call an abuse hotline when you are alone. You are not safe. Do not tell him your plans.

you can obtain a no contact order and he will be removed by the authorities.