I CANNOT look back

I have been sick for a very long time - I am 18 years old, and I know that I can reverse the damage I have done to my body. I know the consequences of having an eating disorder, I know how it destroys me. Yet it is creeping into my life again. I can see all the signs. The thoughts, lying, sneakiness, horrible anxiety, depression. I DONT WANT THEM. But I feel them. I write this for myself, and anyone who is struggling.
I missed my entire middle school and high school years. I did not have friends, I have never had a boyfriend - because of medication and depression, I have had about two crushes in my ENTIRE life. I have not gone to school dances, football games, been in clubs, gone on school trips, or been able to do as much theater and music as I wanted because I have been sick. I've been in an out of the hospital - either psychiatric or medical. I get random infections that won't go away, my period is still messed up, when I don't take care of myself I become suicidal and can't do anything. I have trouble being in crowds of people, I have panic attacks. In short I am a mess.

BUT, I was in treatment!! I was in an amazing program where I became healthy and happy again, and I know that it IS POSSIBLE. I have amazing friends who I text back and forth at meal times to support them and get support for myself in exchange. I have a cat who I absolutely adore. I have been sick for long enough I have my whole life ahead of me and I am NOT going to miss out on anything else!!!!

To anyone who is struggling, you CAN get help and you CAN get through rough patches. I tell myself this every day!
Happy new Year <3
CC

its ok CC! i missed you! was wondering how you are! now see, ED likes to sneak back into our lives but we can always fight back...

you have control, not him... you can get through this, rough patches are bound to happen....are you seeing a therapist???

we are here for you and im sure im sure, this will pass!

love
maureen

Thanks Maureen!
I know I will get through this I HAVE to... it is just unfortunate that its so hard!!!
Miss you too!
CC

hey no one said recovery from ED was easy it is the hardest thing in the world to do--the world! it is just as bad as getting over heroin! and worse, when we have tons of weight loss messages in our daily lives!!!!! it isnt easy! but we can push thru!

love
maureen

I just know you'll beat this <3