My anxiety rises as falls in my life in different periods of what is going on. Sometimes I can deftly ignore it and just stubbornly live my life and sort of let it fade into the background and pretend I'm normal.
But it's constantly plaguing me. I grew up devout in my Christian faith, maybe because I was entirely convinced death was around the corner.
One of my moms best friends used to come visit every afternoon with a headache, and within months I watched as he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, went through chemotherapy, and died. Even a headache would send me into an attack of paralyzing fear, convinced that I would die young.
Please tell me other people feel this way. The more I have to fight to be normal, the more I feel that I never will be, and I am terrified of secretly being ravenously mad and going insane at a young age, never able to adapt.
Completely unsatisfied with life in my native California, I have moved to New York City and been here only a few months. The newness and excitement, coupled with medication, kept everything at bay, kept me going about life in a relatively painless way. But it's coming back now. I'm just scared shitless and am afraid life is going out of control without my control or consent. Because I am new, I do not have many friends. I don't know where to go or who to talk to.
I have nothing left to say but that I am alone and afraid.