I can't decide to stay in my relationship or finally call itI can't decide to stay in my relationship or finally call

I can't decide to stay in my relationship or finally call it quits. Its quite the timeline and story so this is difficult to figure this one out.

I met my boyfriend when I was 23 (I'm now 30 years old). I was in away in college and he was back home about an hour away. The first 3 years was long distance, he came every weekend to visit and stay with me until I moved home. It was always a bit rocky but we also had the best time together. We spoke multiple times a day while I was living in a different state, when we saw each other we had great chemistry, had fun just hanging around the house etc. But he wasn't very motivated in his own life. He had a habit of lying I found out about later as years passed. First I found out about him lying that he would go to school or pass a class. Eventually he came clean, I didn't even realize he was lying because we were so far apart. Then I realized he was smoking weed behind my back. I'm not really prude or super judgemental but it's not something i'm personally into. Though I do have friends that do and don't mind being around it at a sporadic social situation it's not what I want to deal with my partner doing. Also I'm in healthcare and can't really be liable for anything. Eventually I graduated with a BSN degree, moved back home and saved money for a year to buy a house. He didn't want to take the plunge with me and seemed still not ready to grow up. We lived together for about months until I had had enough with him wanting to go out without me ALL the time, didn't really want to participate in anything I wanted to do, or my family stuff etc. He was obsessed with sports and that was about it. I later realized he was smoking ALL the time and hiding it and I ended it the second I found out and made him move out. Fast forward 2 years, we had spoken and seen each other sporadically here and there at which times there was still obviously a ton of chemistry but it also seemed not enough had changed with him. I dated a lot, kept pursing my own happiness, lived pretty contently on my own but I did always think about him and miss him. No one else quite ever made me feel the way he did. Not that he ever made my heart skip a beat or romanced me so much that I would never doubt his love for me. I think it was just comfortably and we had been through A LOT of VERY INTENSE things together over the 4 years we dated previously. Eventually after getting into a few almost relationships with some pretty decent guys, I realized I needed to really give this one more true try. He had finally gotten to a point in his career he was happier with and me too (other than working opposite schedules) and seemed to be just more grown up. Well a year later, and a recently adopted puppy together, he seems almost more distant to me than ever. He barely ever, and I mean almost never wants to have sex (I'm thin, attractive and very successful and motivated girl, no reason he should not want to anymore...), he doesn't want to move in saying he'd now rather be engaged first but we just aren't getting to a point where i'd even agree to marriage without seeing change, is basically living with me because of our puppy but won't help out around the house, he is super un-healthy and told me that basically this isn't his house, he doesn't actually live here and the only reason he is here so much (everyday) is because of the dog.....I'm not sure what is going on. When I confront him about how unhappy I am and confused with his behavior and why things are like this, he tells me I'm the most important person to him and that he loves me more than anything. I just don't see it in his actions. This might seem like a no brainer (or not I honestly can't tell anymore) but I love him. I miss him once we are apart for long. I dated and dated and some things I realized I would trade my issues for seemed much worse. I just can't tell if i'm to the point where I know this is what it is, he will never be anything different and I will never be any happier and I need to walk away and wait until I feel like i'm not settling for less than what I need; or if my issues with him are normal and I need to accept that this type of disagreements and issues come with any relationship and I need to change my own thoughts or opinions. He will not go to couples therapy, and my latest attempt was to tell him to just go back to his house (he rents a room at a friends house) every night and he can come during the day before work to help me with the dog.......Any advice, thoughts, experiences similar to this????? What does your partner do that makes you feel like you know they are the right person? What are the issues you have in your relationship, but the relationship is still a healthy one that you are both happy in for the majority of the time? I grew up watching a very unstable and unhealthy marriage of severe verbal abuse and also experiences verbal and physical abuse so I think my perceptions and knowledge or normal health relationships and marriage is skewed. I want what I see in Movies, shows, or even some reality shows but am always told this is just not reality. Please give me any advice you have. Thank you!


An excellent article that I found today...