I can' concentrate on anything at the moment, I am so tired, so fed up, so useless. I should have started my dissertation by now, but every time I sit down to start, there is only one thing that I can think about... FOOD!!! I don't want to think about food all the time, but it's constantly on my mind, even when I am so full up that it hurts, I still want to eat. Eat, eat, eat, it seems like that is all I ever do. I don't want to eat all the time, be haunted by thoughts of food. I am even having nightmares about food, to the point where I wake up sweating because I am being chased by items of food wanting to kill me in my sleep. I can't deal with this anymore. I can't see a time when these thoughts will not be there. I want them to go; I am so desperate to be better, to be normal, to not think about food 24/7. Food dominates my life. Controls everything that I do. Stops me from living the life that I want to live. Stops me from being the social and confident person that I want to be. Stops me from enjoying the life that I have been blessed with. It's ruining my life. Stopping me from being able to do the things that I want to do. Stopping me from doing this dissertation. Something else that food can screw up, something else that I can fail at. I can't control my thoughts, can't control food, I have no self control, no self worth, no point in even living. What's the point when all I ever do is fail. I can't do this degree, I don't know why I ever thought that I could. I can't write a dissertation. I don't have the intelligence to write a dissertation. I don't even know where to start. I can't start when my head is full up with all these thoughts, thoughts that are clouding everything else, stopping me from being able to think about anything else other than food. I feel like I am going crazy, my mind feels like it has been taken over. I don't feel like I even control the thoughts. I don't want to think about food anymore. When to eat, what to eat, how to eat, how many calories I am eating, where to eat, who to eat with, why eat!!! I don't want to be this person anymore. I just wantit all to stop. Please stop. Please leave me alone, please let me be me!!!!
Lace, you are not alone with how you're feeling. I completely relate 100%, infact in a diff thread today I talked about how my relationship with food is the most complex relationship I ever had and how I desperately want a divorce...
I am with you on that one. I want a divorce too. This is the only relationship that I have ever had, and it's destroying me, it's killing me slowly, and I am running out of steam to fight against it!!
Yeah I hear ya, i've been in a few sucky relationships but this one by far takes the cake (no pun intended!)
Lace, you CAN write a dissertation. I did it, struggling with food and purging at the same time, so can you. You are worth it and you got this far. I know how hard this is. I felt a lot, and still sometimes feel like writing a dissertation is not that big of a deal, that mine sucked, that I didn't do a good enough job, that someone must have made a mistake giving me a degree... but don't let those thoughts change your goal. You made it this far, so the dissertation is just another obstacle.
For me, I would leave home and write at a coffee shop. I didn't want to buy a ton of food there and look like a pig, and I could concentrate better, stay for hours if needed. Maybe for you the library is that place. Just find that place and do it. Writing a dissertation is hard, but you got this far because people believed that you could do it, and advisors pick good students who are intelligent. There is no doubts you are brilliant! So do it for yourself, you will see, once you start it gets easier.
I can so totally relate and I want a divorce too, this horrible relationship is tearing me apart.
Lace you are strong enough to fight this, you can do it.
C, where do we file?
I am not sure but I wish I knew, I so would put a rush on that one for sure.
Lace, I completely relate to everything you said! Seriously- you put my thoughts into words excellently!
Oh and I would like to file too...Maybe 2011 can be the year all of our divorces are finalized?
lace, i was there too, having to write my dissertation while being full on in the midst of my ED. those two thing just dont really go well together.
what i did in the end was realize that this was actually an illness, that it wasn't cause i was dumb, and i have every right to struggle with such a huge thing like a diss. so i gave myself a break, trying to sort mylife out first (IP) and then went back to finish that **** paper. yeah, i graduated late but i did it anyway. and so will you. just dont put the pressure on. if you have a due date, see if you can get an extension due to illness. but try not to get stuck in those negative ED thoughts, try to be understanding with yourself as you would be with a friend.
love
maedi
Thanks Maedi and wimzie, I really appreciate that, makes me feel a little better knowing that you still graduated, maybe I can too. I have spoken with my tutors at uni and they know the situation, the bits I can let them in on anyway, they don't really know the severity of it to be honest. I go back to uni next week, so I think I will try and get a meeting with my tutor at some point. Wimzie, I think that's a good idea going somewhere else to try and write, being at home and around food, I don't think I am ever going to write it!! I have the added pressure that I work full time, and study on a part time basis, so I have to fit in full time work and full time study in a short amount of time. Nothing like piling the pressure on myself!!
Chelsea and Gina, I will sort out the lawyer. 2011 is definitely our year. Let's kick this ED back down where it belongs!! You can all do it!!
Sending lots of hugs to all xxx
glad to hear you're getting some optimism back :-)
as for places to stdy in: library is always good too as food is usually not even allowed in there. and not much around to daydream either!!
good luck with your diss and let me know how you get on!
xxx