I can't get out of an abusive marriage!

Hi my name is Greg,

I've been in a very long, very difficult marriage, never understanding why I stayed in it. I just found out this week that it's due to co-dependency issues. My father was an alcoholic. They say you marry one of your parents. I think I married my father, although she is not an alcoholic, she has tremendous anger issues, and loses control.

The problem is that the rage inside of me has built way up now.

I want out of the marriage, but don't know how to do it. Part of the issue is that I think everyone is afraid of my wife, and doesn't really want to help me.

Welcome to Supportgroups, is there a reason you NEED assistance on leaving the situation? What type of help/guidance are you trying seek? Please keep posting & sharing your story so that others may read/learn from your experiences, we're here for you.

April

It's too late!!

I'm semi-retired, she's still working for just above min wage. We are having severe money problems (caused by who-knows?). We are not really even making it month to month.

I just don't see HOW I can resolve this marriage thing any decent way.

Is this a CODEPENDENCY issue? We don't think we can solve these problems?

Theres alot in the same boat, I'm not a therapist & you havent really described yourself or much else, I only know I'm a classic enabler/codependent, took my years to learn & STOP.

Is your wife taking responsibility w/you for the current situation??? Takes 2 to tango, & if both of you have decided other options are in order then I've seen where it can sometimes be accomplished online for a minimal price.

I currently have the financial aspect that you kinda describe & have had to endure other alternative arrangements.

Codependency is: a psychological condition or relationship in which a person IS controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or drugs, etc).

Please keep talking if & when you feel like it, we're here for you.

April

I WILL keep talking here!

You cannot imagine what a huge ray of hope you all are becoming (for the first time in 40 years)!!!!

I have been married for 27 years. We met when I was only 16 and now have 3 children. I have been struggling with this man my entire life. I did not grow up in a alcholic family. I am a strong woman and successful. Why have I stayed. It is not just the drinking, but he has no coping skills and has trouble keeping a job. When I get to the end of my rope he becomes the perfect person. How on earth could I fall for it again. What is wrong with me?

I think I found one of the sources of my "problem" with this long, bad marriage!!!
My sister, who is 14 years older, was always the first person I would call whenever there was trouble in this marriage. Her counsel always seemed to make sense. But our family is very Catholic, and both my mother (who died a long time ago) and grandmother were "enablers" of alcoholic husbands and were true co-dependents.
I called her, excited about the advice from this "ray of hope" group.
The FIRST thing she said was "Well now wait a minute! Let's slow down and see if we can...."
I see where so much of the problem has come from now!
Here I am, at the "end of my rope", as some of you have so accurately identified, and truly in a dangerous situation, and she is still pulling me back! WTF? This is too dangerous!

HI Greg.
Help me here a bit in my attempt to understand the situation better. You have been in the marriage for the longest time and I am wondering what changed? In other words, what changed for you to want to make that step to say "enough is enough?"

Dear Broken,

That is an INCREDIBLE question!! No one has thought to ask me that, and I didn’t think myself!

I think it must be:

  1. Looking through the codependency stuff and relaizing that I have been settling for far too little

  2. Possibly the depression that has been building up from the stuffed emotions

  3. Age and now realizing that this simply is not acceptable anymore!

GREAT question!

Thanks Greg for sharing that.

I am not at that place where you are right now but I can relate to the pain. It must have been really difficult for you all these years, having the feelings all bottled up and probably turning the rage to yourself and part of me is glad that you have taken that one step to say "enough is enough" and made attempts to share it with us here and also to your sister. THe other part of me feels the uncertainty that you have- it must be a scary place for you as well. Having insight to the situation is one thing. Taking an big step forward is another thing.

May I clarify with you certain things as well? I understand that the family has a strong history of being codependent and growing up, being codependent is familiar to you. It is probably your "take-home" lesson and you brought it to your marriage and subconsciously you choose a partner that is able to allow you to be codependent. Can you be more specific? what are the actions that makes you think that you are codependent besides the financial aspect?

When you mentioned that no one wants to help you, what exactly do you mean? are you talking about the financial bit?

What would be the best case scenario for you? Imagine the brightest thing ahead in future. what do you see?

Right here with you Greg....

Bzillion reasons how I know I’ve been co-dependent!!!

The reason I say that “no one want to help" me is that in the past, with the lonnnng history of this going on, NO ONE has ever said “Greg for the good (and safety) of your children, and for yourself, you need to get out of that marriage”. Mainly because they were afraid of my wife. She has a very bad temper. And when it goes off, she can stay in that “mood” for a week, easily. NO ONE wants to deal with it! So…

Best case scenario, Brightest thing I could see in my future (Fantastic Question) – For me to not have to spend another moment, of this one and only life, dealing with her. Separate cities would probably be best! But she would have to leave. I have a ton of family here, she has none. (But one of our two daughters and three of our four grandchildren are here. Although they said they would be willing to move south.)

I need to add one more "fascinating point re the "no one wants to help" is that about eight years ago my brother's marriage deteriorated to the point of no return. I aagressively helped him get through that phase and get out FOR WHICH HE HAS PROFUSELY THANKED ME MANY TIMES!

Go figure!

Thats a wonderful thing helping your brother so then you have knowledge on some of the ins & outs & requirements necessary to baby step yourself in that direction, it IS a scary & lonely place thats why we're all here to get uplifting support while we walk through this maze/journey of UPS & DOWNS. It can be done online now too but still not as simple as it sounds.

April

I believe I found out why I had not been able to leave this marriage for forty years!!!

It truly is a Coda issue. It was because I had to have my wife's bizarre (rage) personality in my life, as part of the "comfort zone" I had built up when growing up with my alcohoic father!!!

I realized that my "background thinking" had become waiting for someone to come to wherever I was in a rage!!!!

It was very hidden, yet very powerful!! And I only found it through the quiet moments of the night, when I realized those thoughts, and that fear, were CONSTANTLY there.

(As a matter of fact, as I'm writing this at 2:30 a.m., that is my primary feeling; Waiting for "someone" to burst in to my room and...) And I think that this simply explains why I have kept coming back to this marriage/relationship as it is; because this has been such an "integral" (needed?) part of me (until now). I simply had to have this there in my life.)

Thank you Coda support group for helping me find this!!!!!! This is IMMENSE!!!!