I can't get out of an abusive marriage!

Hi my name is Greg,

I've been in a very long, very difficult marriage, never understanding why I stayed in it. I just found out this week that it's due to co-dependency issues. My father was an alcoholic. They say you marry one of your parents. I think I married my father, although she is not an alcoholic, she has tremendous anger issues, and loses control.

The problem is that the rage inside of me has built way up now.

I want out of the marriage, but don't know how to do it. Part of the issue is that I think everyone is afraid of my wife, and doesn't really want to help me.

Hey Greg,
If you want out and you are not in love with your wife anymore and are sure about this. Then she has no say. I would say, move out, then go to a solicitor to get advice on division of assets and set the wheels in motion.

Has she ever attended anger management no?

Can you discuss this even with family members I am sure they would help you. Greg one thing is certain, we live too short of a life to be unhappy.

Do whatever it takes to make you happy. You have the strength inside to do this.

Love to you
Moongal x

Moon Gal,

She has not gone to anger management. She won’t go! Over the years I’ve tried several ways to do something, and it winds up me doing all the work! sounds like codependency stuffAnd THERE is one of the real problems with this. Her anger has a lot of people scared of her!

Crazy world!

Greg, yes you can get out of an abusive marriage! Pack up your stuff and GO. After one year apart, you can file for divorce. If you try to get a divorce now, because of her being abusive, it will be a difficult battle and these are seldom won by the abusee.
But please, leave her if you can - friends and family will understand. People may be more helpful than you think. Do not continue to expose yourself to the abuse, as it is very damaging. Don't think about what others will say, either. We have to take care of ourselves and sometimes we lose some former supporters along the way. I believe that the ones who stop being supportive when we are in crisis, are the ones who were never really our allies anyway. There is help for you out there and you will gain all the support you need if you look for it. The first while on your own may be difficult, but stick with it because it is the right thing to do.
I wish you good luck and peace in your life very soon.

Birdygirl,

I can't tell you how "right on" your comments feel. the poart about just getting away from the abuse is incredibly powerful. Glad to have you as a friend!

Hi Greg,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know that it is easy to hear, 'just leave', but difficult to act on. People stay in bad relationships for many reasons. You can get support through a crisis center. Look to see if there is a Domestic Violence Victim Center in your area. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Here you can speak to an advocate who knows what you are going through, can offer referrals and information, even go to court with you if that becomes necessary. You are not alone. Many people feel stuck when abuse is involved. You can get out with the right support.

Keep checking in and getting the support you need.
Blessings,

Taralee

Taralee,

I never knew that the Crisis Centers could be such a help.

And your comment “you can get out with the right support” is fantastic!

thanks,

Greg

Hey Greg,
Ya, you seem like you are at the end of your rope. I think you should get out of there. And take whatever steps neccessary to make yourself happy and safe again.

You are not alone in this either. I am sure there are many who can empathise with your situation. I understand there is a certain "safety" in staying that situation, although it is negative it confirms what you believe to be true about yourself, if you will.

As Taralee said try that phone number they will be able to help and direct you. You don't have to be dependent on her anymore, you are strong enough...keep progressing with what you are doing and get out. We are here to support.

Love to you
Moongal x

It's too late!!

I'm semi-retired, she's still working for just above min wage. We are having severe money problems (caused by who-knows?). We are not really even making it month to month.

I just don't see HOW I can resolve this marriage thing any decent way.

Well Greg you may not be able to resolve it, but you need to live a happy life. So do whatever you deem neccessary to get out of it. Even though right now it may seem a struggle, it will be worth it in the end.

Keep us posted on how you are progressing

Love to you
Moongal x

Greg, call an emergency support centre as soon as you can, to get professional advice on your particular situation. If you can't see a way out, then you are in a crisis and need to get some help right away. And if you think your marriage can't be resolved, then it probably can't, and you have to let it go. It's okay to leave. I am married for the second time and had a lot of guilt about my first one falling apart, even though it was mutual. But really, life is too short to be with the wrong person, and it's REALLY too short to be treated poorly.
I wish you well.

Greg,

If you call the hotline and work with an advocate, they will help you with the financial part as well. Many people stay in bad situations because of finances; however, there is help that you probably don't know about. It is never too late.

Hang in there

Taralee

Unbelievable!

Needed: Best perspective for me to take now.

After I posted the beginning of this thread re my "abusive" marriage (about a week ago), we found out that my cousin has terminal ovarian cancer, and so spent the entire day yesterday at the hospital with her. Which is taking a terrible toll on my whole large family. (During that time at the hospital she was "someone else". No bad moods!! Wtf?

(I have also had incredible financial pressure that I could not deal with due to her "moods" (She might be bi-polar we think now, but she won't admit it)).

THIS MORNING, after being so "nice" yesterday to my family at the hospital, she is back in her "black" mood.(At least I think that's what it is.)Blaming me for something ridiculous (made up). (I am not sure whether it really is a "mood", or her attempt to "control" me!)

But I am ANGRY!!!

I left the house telling her I couldn't live like this any more!

BUT, if I know me, I will wind up "giving in" and going back to it!

And the situation just seems to keep getting WORSE, and more VOLATILE!

I just don't know what to think any more! And I am wasting sooo much of my life here! I am 64!

Thanks for any great perspectives (and actions to take right now)!!

Greg

Added comment...

I think we have been going through this same "routine" for sooo long now, that I am trapped by it.

THERE. That feels like a real key point here!!!

Thanks again,

Greg

Greg, I'm so sorry that the situation is intensifying for you. And the added stress of a seriously ill family member must be nearly unbearable. (the same thing happened to me last week, actually, as my mother's sister has been diagnosed with an aggressive lung cancer and is getting chemo treatments in hospital)
Were you able to call a support centre to get professional advice?
Feeling stuck is definitely a key point! You may feel that staying in the familiar situation, although it is abusive, is preferable to the unknown situation of leaving. I believe I have a fear of being well, because I have had depression and anxiety for so much of my life, that is what is familiar to me. Being well is an unknown place, and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it.
It doesn't matter what your age is, I urge you to seek professional advice before you go back. At least do that one favour to yourself - you deserve it after all this time. Take a friend or an understanding family member with you if you need to, for support.
Maybe this will finally be the time that you don't give in, and that you take your life back. I hope so. Wishing you well,

..

Greg, I'm 54 & my husband IS bipolar/schzoid/Borderline & more w/alcohol dependency, when your post first came out you asked about being a codependent, Bluidkiti put out an excellant post which elaborates more on that very subject, if you read it you may be capable of finding a different option, way to help yourself out of the exhausting situation & cycle. Even at the ages that we are we can still make a better way to finding other solutions. I DO KNOW how difficult it is living like this.

Regards, April

Greg,
I stayed in an abusive marriage for 12 years! I had to reach a breaking point and decide on my own enough is enough!

I know how you feel though. I wanted so badly for someone else to rescue me! I was so afraid of my ex I thought he would kill me if I ever left. And guess what? He didn't!

Granted, it was the most difficult time in my life but there is nothing like being able to let go of that life!

I lost every possesion I ever owned except some clothes and my car. I bounced around for months sleeping on this one's couch, or loveseat or floor. I even lived in my car for a while. But it was so worth all of the tears, stress and loss of comfort.

He used to tell me if I left nobody else would want me. If I left I would never survive.

I am happier now than I ever was with him. I have a new man in my life who loves me. And everything that I have I worked and paid for on my own. And I will be damned if any man ever treats me the way he did!

It's not an easy road my friend. It's a scary and ugly ride. What you have to keep in mind that the darkness is only temporary until you can finally stand on your own two feet in the light.

From Substance Abuse to Mental & Physical Abuse