I can't seem to get this struggle out of my head

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Hi, all.

I'm feeling depressed today, and struggling. I feel awful every time I eat, and I've been restricting somewhat along the way. Grrr. I don't know what to do. Or how to do it.

I've been getting support from a couple of friends, but there's only so much that anyone else can do for you. I'm scared. I feel alone, and I'm afraid that if I lose weight I'll get kicked out again. But if I gain weight, I'll freak out.

The stress of homework is really getting to me, too. It compounds the eating disorder, as does busyness, lack of sleep, and general anxiety and depression. It just feels so hopeless sometimes.

I just ate lunch, and I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin. I feel so guilty, and I want to purge (but I'm not planning to, as tempting as it is). I just want to scream! I want to explode! I want to run away, to lose myself, to combust--to do something to release all the pressure that's building up inside me--and to escape this body that feels like it's hedging me in.

I'm also trying to decide whether to go out and find something to do or stay home and do homework. On the one hand, it sounds very attractive to stay home for once--and I seriously need to get the homework done. On the other hand, maybe it's healthy to get out of the apartment once in a while--maybe walk down to the library or something. But deep down I know one of the only reasons I want to do that is to get the extra exercise of moving around more than I really need to. I don't know. Is it worth it to relieve the stress, or do I just need to buckle down and ride it out?

I apologize that this post is so similar to my last one, but the same sorts of situations just keep cropping up, and I feel like I'm treading water as hard as I can just to avoid drowning in the midst of all this.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Vero

2

Hi vero, sorry couldn't be on here sooner... What did u do in the end? Stay in or go out? I think you need to try and stick to your plan as much as possible, keep fighting vero, I know you can do this. You are strong, believe in yourself. You are a beautiful person, you can do this!! Don't apologise for your post, it doesn't matter if you repeat the post a million times over, just keep letting it all out, let it go, let it out of tour head so you no longer feel like your head will explode. It's the worse feeling when you keep things locked up inside you, it becomes a pressure pot that could boil over any minute. We're all here to listen and support you no matter what. So keep writing!!!

Thinking of you

Much love

Lisa xx

3

Dear Lisa,

Thanks so much for the encouragement; it means a lot.

In the end, I went out for a short, mindful walk, stopping in a chapel to pray and read some Psalms. Then later I remembered that I HAD to go out to pick up a prescription (unbeknownst to me, the pharmacy closed about a half an hour before I left–grrr).

I didn’t do great at following the meal plan today, but I’m getting back on my feet tonight and hoping to do better tomorrow.

4

Hi vero, I hope you found peace at the chapel. You done what you felt you needed to do at the time, so please don't feel bad about it, or beat yourself up about it. Tomorrows a new day. Go forward with strength and know that I am ALWAYS here for you one million percent and ALWAYS here for you if you want to talk. Have faith in your meal plan, try to stick to it...I know it's hard and uncomfortable, but it will help you in the long run. Let me know how you get on tomorrow. I'm routing for you... I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!! take care of yourself, YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!!

Much love

Lisa xxx