I want to cry--but I am scared it will wake my husband up.
I have been thinking a lot today about the mirror today and how when we were little, Disney movies always said the mirror can't lie. I told this to my husband and he said "it's true, the mirror can't lie. It isn't the mirror that is flawed...it is you and your perceptions". That kind of hurt me--I guess I needed something else to blame for my horrible feelings.
I have been trying to restrict lately. Didn't too bad today--but I have to be honest about something. What am I supposed to do when I am eating a normal snack and my husband says "are you binging?"...I eat a muffin and some cottage cheese and then I grab a reese's cup and he jumps to conclusions...
I eat anything and he asks if I am binging...it makes me feel like I am eating way too much.
I am falling a part...slowly but surely. I don't spend time with friends anymore...I just stay at home and sleep all day then I go to work then I come home at midnight...
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!!
I am drowning...
I can't breathe...
oh God.
Tomorrow is a new day. I am done fighting...I can't fight anymore--I might as well give in and just live this stupid life controlled by weight...
Ashley....you can't give up...I don't think it's in you to give up!
If you show your husband your meal plan, and explain that you need to follow it, maybe he will understand. If you are haphazardly following it here and there, not eating, then eating, it's understandable that he would not trust it.
If you are consistent, then he may begin to trust you, and you will no doubt begin to trust yourself more...and you will feel better.
You have been fighting this intensely for more than a year now.....why are you fighting against recovery? I think part of you wants it, but perhaps it's fear that holds your back also.
What do you you want? To be ill, or to be well? I understand that there is great fear that comes with the responsibility of not being sick....but it's much easier to face life when you are strong and not engaging in the ED behaviors 90% of the time.
I agree...you can't do this anymore, but I believe you can commit to working recovery as it has been recommended to you....what will you choose?
Thinking of you...Jan ♥
Ashley I agree with Jan..... you have been through treatment twice now. Im sure you don't want to go back there.
I agree with Jan I know your husband loves you and if you can include him in sharing your MP with him that can help you stay balanced and on track.
Do you still have follow up care? you are lucky you have your husband to support you I am in this alone.
Its not always easy.
I know your husband is just concerned about you..and everyone around us in our lives don't really understand what we are going through and sometimes they say things that are hurtful.
just be honest with him and tell him how he made you feel Im sure he will feel bad ..but he loves you and wants to be there for you!